Talks with the Mirror

Section 24: Reflecting on chapter 1

2025

Growing up is enlightening. The only thing that is sure to always happen is change. I know I am not the first person to say that and surely won't be the last. I think a right of passage as one ages is to reach the stage where you realize that you have to give things time, everything changes, and nothing is ever as simple as it seems.

I read the first chapter of this book again, and I have read it a couple times since I wrote it, and I am so surprised to truly believe and see that it remains true. Love never dies. Whatever form of it you have for a person, a remnant of it will always exist within you. At a certain point though, you may learn to channel it in a different way.

It is strange to write this now, but over five years ago I made an unexpected connection. This person came at me out of nowhere yet it still felt like we were supposed to meet. Their presence, which I never experienced in person but rather through these wonderful digital opportunities we have in our day and age, was something I have never experienced since. It was like our souls were meant to connect.

That was scary.. to say the least.

At the time I was finally feeling ready to move on from my first love and actively looking for new connections. I didn't expect to find one in a comment section of a Wattpad book, but I did. It was always innocent, good intentioned and all too easy to connect. But there was something more, something heavy behind it all. The reality. The truth.

No matter how connected I could allow myself to become to this person, I inevitably knew that we could never be together in that way. The first reason being geographical, the second being cultural. So every time we spoke to one another, I could see stop signs and hear sirens telling me to not let myself go too far. Every conversation was like a magnet pulling me towards them but my common sense was the life-jacket keeping me at bay. I couldn't get my heart broken again.

I hurt them. I held back so much that even my availability to be a friend was limited. I protected my heart fearlessly by being a coward. How ironic!

This experience and that connection has stayed with me like a ghost. It comes back to haunt me all the time. It makes me question everything and think of what if's. Still it always ends with me coming back to the fact that nothing could ever come from it. But I still miss them.

Our conversations were not the shallow kind. I felt heard and wanted to listen to them. It was like a symphony of auras. I don't know how else to explain it. I just wish we still talked.

It is so complicated to have these feelings as a married person, but I think that's just part of life. You will connect with more than one person and even though you make your choice, it doesn't mean that others can't be a part of your life in some way, shape or form that respects the boundaries of your relationship. 

That took a long time to realize. 

As I keep saying, let time pass, you will keep growing, you will keep changing, and nothing will ever make sense as long as you live. 

That is somehow the beauty of it all.