Random darkness

I cut my wrists 8-22-2015

I woke screaming again...I drift back to a conversation I had with brother "I know who screwed you so many times it was ***** older brother (29)" I looked at him weird cause I have no memory of it. He said it was almost every day for two years. I asked him how he knew this is that what the asshole told you??? He said straightfaced
" yes...and showed me all the pictures he'd taken. The pictures had time stamp on them"
I would go to their house all the time almost everyday. I'd go to see my bff.
Then I remembered what the nightmare was about. Memories I'd never seen before...until last night.
I took out my Razorblade and slashed each wrist very bad. It finally broke me beyond my point of taking another second. I was finally going to die.
I woke in the hospital. Stephen had called 911. My wrists were bandaged and I could feel the sting of the stiches...I am deeply sorry to anyone reading this that I couldn't be stronger. I know I talk big words in my comments to you and am always trying my best (or Elizabeth or Rebecka or Stephen)to give words of encouragement to you...I NEVER say to you what I dont mean. Sugary words of flattery or bullshit lies parents use to fuck up their kids minds. I will not do that. If I say to you something and you don't like it ,meh, tell me I'm a bitch maybe I really misunderstood something and it's my bad, I'll never know unless you ask me (or the one who signed it)
With that said, christi, I'm so so sorry..This was the only way I could tell you. I just didn't know how to let you know knowing you had saved me from suicide once before. I should have called you until you answered and talked with you. You know I've been really doing bad last few weeks and when we spoke should have asked you to call me soon I needed to talk with yiu bad. Your my best friend and always will be...I Love you.
I know on the outside I may seem brave..I'm not. I'm so fragile most times. ALL YOU give me strength,hope, help me to perceviere, go another day, let me know that I'm not alone. My family says that is a fantasy bullshit game on here, that those things read about are fake,made up, stories so that they can get attention and have poeple feel sorry for them then as usual they have to say "just like you do"
Yeah the stitches are made up lies, the awful scars are so I can get attention, the fresh open cuts are because I want to be noticed, the suicide attempt last night was cause I want to be felt sorry for. Yeah like all you guys do right? We're so fucked up in our heads that we play Russian Roulette with three bullits in the chamber just to be fucking noticed...
What those pathetic losers dont realize is its their bullshit that is hurting us so bad. Maybe one true honest word of encouragement once in awhile or a little validation not blame, maybe " You tried I know and I'm really sorry you didn't make the team, squad, swim team, track, volleyball, cheerleading, flag team, pep squad let's get something to eat where do you want to go??" Shit something (that would have been dad or mom because they were there at the tryouts with you cheering you on !#!
I know this isn't very good I'm really still kind of fucked up in the head...but I promised yovanna I'd write this tonight..
Please forgive one of my weakest moments..
Adalaine Skyye