Making the perfect whoufflé: one shots

anger and forbidden love [whouffaldi]

The Doctor didn't often let his anger get the best of him, especially around his beloved Clara. He much rather prefer to hold his anger inside him until it boiled up and he would let it all out at once, while he was alone. Oh, and he produced a lot of anger. The Doctor was one to act as if everything was perfectly fine. Clara would see him as this chill, content, silver-haired man with black sunglasses, that was, if she didn't know him better.

Today, Clara seemed to be pushing his buttons more than normal. Typically, she would like to annoy him a bit, it was playful to them. She would tease him, giggle and he would end up flustered and annoyed. But today was not normal. The Doctor was getting surprisingly angry with his Impossible Girl.

Maybe it was because he was thinking of his beloved Ponds more often than usual today, or maybe it was the thought of the last planet they had been to that he hadn't been able to save. But he was definitely angry. Clara seemed to notice this as she teased him and eased up a bit.

"Are you alright, Doctor?" Clara asked, sitting beside him on the sofa in the library. When she sat down, he tensed up at how close she was so she scooted away just an inch. "You seem tense.."

Clara noticed how The Doctor's jaw clenched as she talked and she hoped it wasn't her that was causing this angry fit.

"Yeah, sure. Don't worry about it." he said stiffly, shifting his body away from her, only to seem to get more wrapped up in the book he held.

"You sure?" Clara asked again.

The Doctor only nodded.

"Really?" she pressed on.

"Yes, Clara." he said firmly.

"But Docto--"

"Clara! I said I'm bloody fine! Now leave me be and sod off!" The Doctor snapped at her, slamming the book shut and tossing it aside to the table beside him. He stood up to leave the library but Clara stopped him by grasping his wrist in her petite fingers and pleading with him.

"Doctor, tell me the truth! Please.. You know I care about you and I hate seeing you so upset." Clara insisted, waiting for him to jerk his wrist away or even lash out but he just stood there, not facing her.

"Clara, please let go." The Doctor spoke gently. Clara could tell that he was holding himself back. He was holding back that tornado he had building up inside him. Clara didn't know why he was so mad but she knew it wasn't good for him to hold it in. The Doctor waited a moment, hoping that she would let go and they could both forget about it but she didn't. "Clara."

"Tell me the truth."

The Doctor suddenly turned around, jerking his wrist out of her grasp like she had predicted and she could see the fiery in his eyes. Clara could see his anger and rage inside those eyes of his. But there was more than just anger and rage, but also a sadness. A sadness that she knew plagued him each and every day. And then it all exploded. "I'M A BLOODY IDIOT OKAY?!" He yelled, his face suddenly becoming red.

"What?"

"AMY AND RORY ARE GONE AND ITS ALL MY FAULT. RIVER IS GONE AND ITS ALL MY FAULT. ROSE, MARTHA, DONNA, GONE. MY FAULT. I CAN'T BLOODY TOUCH SOMETHING WITHOUT IT BEING DESTROYED. AND I'M FURIOUS. FURIOUS. FURIOUS. FURIOUS." he slammed his fist on the table beside him, startling Clara and making her jump at the sound. "I'm furious with myself!"

"But Doctor.."

"No Clara! You don't understand! Someday I'm gonna destroy you too and I can't bare the thought of it! ITS NOT FAIR. I BARGAIN WITH THE UNIVERSE EVERY DAY BUT THE BET NEVER TURNS OUT IN MY FAVOUR. I JUST WANT TO KEEP SOMEONE SOMEDAY." The Doctor screamed, marching over to a nearby bookshelf and punching the side a numerous amount of times before his fist became bruised and red. He turned around and pressed his back against the shelf and slowly slid down the side before he was sitting on the ground with his head between his knees and tears running down his face.

Clara knew how ever so rare tears were for him. He didn't like crying, he thought that it made him weak. But Clara knew it just meant he had held everything in for too long.

Slowly, she inched her way towards him until she was sitting cross-legged beside him with a hand on his back. "Its okay, Doctor. I'm not going anywhere for a very long time. I promise." Clara spoke softly, patting his back. Clara reached inside his coat pocket to take out a tissue and handed it to him before kissing his cheek.

The Doctor blew his nose hastily and threw the tissue in a close waste basket. "What would I do without you, Miss Oswald?" he let a small smile escape.

"Probably start talking to yourself again." she smiled back and let out a chuckle. The Doctor laughed with her before looking back down at the ground and falling silent. "I'm sorry.."

"For what?" The Doctor asked.

"That I'm not immortal like you and that I can't stay with you forever." Clara spoke gently, a certain kind of sadness coating her words.

"I'm not immortal--"

"You are compared to me.. If I could stay with you forever I would. I would love to. And then you could stop loosing people.." Clara smiled at him sadly.

"I would like that very much, Clara." he smiled at her, courageously taking her hand in his. "You know you mean a lot to me.."

"How much a lot? Is it the same way I feel for you?" Clara asked, tempting the waters that were being cast in front of her. Is this the time for this? The time to ask about their relationship? He had to of known that she loved him, how could he not?

The Doctor sighed. "Clara.. You know I can't--"

"Can't love again.. I know.." she interrupted, already knowing what he was saying. How could she be so foolish to open up like that? "Sorry, I shouldn't have suggested it.."

"No, Clara.. It's not that!" he tried to explain.

"Then what?"

"I can't lose you.. I can't love and lose you. I wouldn't be able to bare it." The Doctor spoke softly, squeezing her hand in his in an affectionate way. Clara wanted to cry into his chest, have him hold her. "You've seen me break down before, Clara. It's not pretty.. And if I was to lose you in that way, it would be worse."

"You wouldn't have to lose me, Doctor.. I'm not planning on going anywhere." Clara said, tears beginning to sting her eyes.

The Doctor kissed her cheek slowly, savoring the feeling of her skin against his lips. "You know I love you.." he confessed against her cheek, whispering it in her ear as if it was a sin he had to confess.

"You know I love you, too.." she replied, the words sinking into her skin like a hot bath, soothing her.

"But--"

"But I love you, Doctor. I love you.." she said, subconsciously leaning more into him, wanting to bury herself in his embrace.

"Clara.."

"Hold me, please. Even if it is just this once, hold me." Clara pleaded, looking up at him with those big brown eyes of hers. He could never say no to those eyes, so he held her. Her cheek pressed against his chest and the sound of their breathing filling the air.

Oh, he loved her. But he wouldn't allow himself that luxury. No more love, no more hurt. The Doctor couldn't do it anymore, especially after his beloved Rose. But, oh, he looked into those big sad eyes and he saw how badly she loved him. He wanted to love her to, but he couldn't. He wouldn't let himself.

A/N: Sorry this fanfic is super angsty and sad! But I feel like it's also sorta beautiful soOOOooo sorry.