A.N.O.R.E.X.I.A [BxB]

Two.

Dear Toby,

                Today I woke up in a strange mood. You know those days when you open your eyes and your heart feels heavy and your breathing feels forced and you can see the unhappiness in the light coming through your window? Today was one of those days. I felt so heavy it was like I was paralysed. It was scary. But then I saw that my mother had left me two biscuits instead of one and I smiled. Maybe she could feel the sadness too today. I don’t mean that I was glad she could feel it. I mean that I was happy she understood. Because she knows how I can get on days like this. So I sat up and drank my tea and ate my two biscuits and I felt a little lighter. Just a little.

 The time on the bus was weird today because I had to sit next to someone. Usually I sit in the same seat everyday and no-one bothers me because I am strange to them. I try not to be. But I also try to stay away. So I read my book or I listen to music. And today I was reading a book called Hide by Lisa Gardner. It’s the kind of book you wouldn’t want to read before going to bed. And then a girl appeared by my seat and I jumped because people on the bus usually ignore me and I was reading a weird book.

 “Is this seat taken?”

 “Uh… no.”

 “So can I sit here?”

 “Uh… yeah.”

 I’m not too great when it comes to conversing with people. So the girl sat down and turned away from me slightly and I went back to reading.

 Every time I cross the threshold into school I get nervous. I’m not sure why considering I’ve been going for the last ten and a bit years. I’m quite smart, too. But the unpredictability of people makes things different every day, and I’m not too big a fan of change. The corridors are suffocating, there’s a constant buzz of humanity, and as much as I try not to let it, it freaks me out. I start to breathe either really shallowly or really deeply and my hands start to move and shake and I just can’t keep them still. So I start to think of things, lots of things, to keep me calm. I think about how energy efficient buses are and how long it has been since I last ate shortbread and how I crave to reread The Catcher In The Rye.

 My first class of the day was R.E so I made notes about attitudes towards life after death. None of the religions we study tend to share my theories on things, and I wonder if I’m wrong or some kind of unknown visionary. Then I remind myself that I’m a sixteen year old GCSE student who probably doesn’t know better than hundreds of thousands of other people.

 Today in English class I focus on you instead of the literature. Romeo and Juliet and all that romantic stuff makes me feel strange as I realise that nobody has ever felt like that about me and I wouldn’t know how to act around a person who did. I can barely even function around people who ignore me, after all.

 Miss Holden asked you to read aloud today. She chose your friend Ryan to read Romeo and you to read Juliet. You stood on your chair and spoke articulately and loudly and I tried to ignore the rest of your friends raising their eyebrows. Your voice is full and strong and you read so consistently it makes me wonder if you’re saying the words or the words are saying you. I just thought I should let you know that because I don’t know if anyone else tells you. It got to the end of the lesson and I realised I hadn’t written down a single word.

 Light makes your hair look red-brown sometimes- did you know that? I noticed it in English class. I also noticed the true strength to your jaw line. However you were created and whoever created you, they did a very good job from what I can see. That was supposed to be a compliment; I hope it comes across as such.

 Lunchtime was the same as always. I got my tray of food and went and sat at the table I always sit at by myself. Even if someone wanted to sit with me, they couldn’t because other students take all the other chairs from around my table so they can join their friends. I eat about half of the tray of food as I read. I look up after every other paragraph just to check that no-one is approaching me. Just in case. I can see you over the other side of the cafeteria, making your friends laugh, and I wonder what it must feel like to know that you are popular and feel included. I wonder if it would make me happy. And then I continue to read and to look up and so on… This happens every lunch time.

 My sister got off of work early so she picked me up after school. She works part time as a sales assistant somewhere and she studies at college on certain days. She collected me from the bus stop and people whistled because she is rather beautiful. I could imagine you pretending to be interested in her like your friends, and it made me sad.

 “Hey Jack.”

 “Hey Kim.”

 “How was school?”

 “Eh. How was work?”

 “Eh. Music?”

 “Yeah.”

 And then she put on our driving CD. It’s a CD that she made with all of our favourite songs on it for when she drives me places. It’s lucky that we share our taste in music, or we would argue. We used to kind of ignore each other but then she went travelling after her exams were over and we somehow figured out when she returned that we missed each other.

 We got home and Kim helped mum with the dinner and I did my homework and my dad got home on time. We ate dinner as a family and my younger brother, Timmy, didn’t throw a tantrum. The light outside was different, happier, and things felt stable.

                Love,
                Jack.