A.N.O.R.E.X.I.A [BxB]

Seven.

Dear Toby,

                I’m going to tell you of today’s events because I think they bear remembering- at least in my mind.

 I woke up and the light outside my window was neither happy nor sad and so I was set in a neutral mood. As a result of this I listened to neutral-mood music as I got ready to go to school. I wore a black t-shirt with an almost-white but grey shirt over the top and black jeans. My outfit has no relevance to anything, but I’d like to remember it anyway.

 I left the house after my usual breakfast- a cup of coffee- and the bus was on time, which made me happy. I was also happy to have another book to read. I am currently reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and I think it’s really good so far. The only strange thing about that book is what my sister said when I told her I was reading it.

“Is that the one about that kid called Charlie?”

 “Yes.” I didn’t remind her that there were probably multiple books about ‘a kid called Charlie’.

 “Too close to home.”

 I don’t know what she meant by that, but she told me not to worry about it, and I’m trying not to.

 The only thing that lowered my mood slightly before I got on the bus was the fact that no-one acknowledged my presence, which made me feel like I wasn’t really there. But I got on the bus and someone called me something and people laughed and I felt visible.

 The invisible feeling came back when we got to school; it’s gotten to the point where even teachers ignore my presence now. I guess it’s my fault because I don’t put my hand up or join in with class discussions. But I’m so used to feeling invisible at school that I can kind of numb the feeling now. So it doesn’t hurt as much as it should when people knock into me in the corridor, or when they talk around me. Or when they talk about me even though I’m standing right there.

 At lunch I sat by myself at my usual table and ate half of my food and read. And I looked up after every other paragraph, but I alternated between glancing at my surroundings and glancing at you. The blonde girl from my R.E class sat with you and your friends for the whole of lunch today. I imagined the two of you to be discussing something political. I assume you to be quite intelligent. Anyway, whatever you were talking about seemed to incite an exciting debate. People kept turning around to see what the two of you were laughing and shouting about. Your other friends seemed oblivious and I hoped that this girl was someone who knew and understood you. Someone you could trust.

 I’ve never really had any friends. There just seems to be something about me that repels other people. I hope one day to figure out what it is and deal with it. It would be quite nice to have someone to talk to about things. My parents always remind me that I can talk to them, but my dad works long hours and is tired when he gets home and my mum is always thinking about too many things at once. I could talk to my sister but, whilst she would listen to me, she wouldn’t necessarily understand or be able to give me advice. She normally just reminds me that I’m weird. I suppose this is all why I started to write these letters; so that I could feel like I had someone who really listened. A friend. But you haven’t seen any of these letters, and maybe you never will. But I suppose I do feel slightly less alone.

 So, people seem to have some kind of aversion to me, and this point was demonstrated today in Maths class, last period. My fellow students would not settle down today. They threw things around- and at me- and made ‘funny’ comments to each other- and at me- and by the time the hour was over I felt both physically and mentally drained. As if Maths wasn’t bad enough, right? So anyway, my teach asked me to stay behind after class, and I wasn’t sure why. Mr Hummel was one of the few teachers who actually noticed me.

 “How’re you doing, Jack?”

 “Okay. What about you, Sir?”

 “I’m fine- just… concerned…”

 I think my face must have conveyed my confusion because he sighed and rubbed at his eyes wearily. I assume teaching to be a very draining job.

 “The thing is, Jack, is that you don’t react when other students are rude to you. Your expression doesn’t change, you don’t flinch, you don’t defend yourself. Doesn’t it bother you?”

 I paused. “Well, Sir, I guess I’m just used to it.”

 He then asked if I felt like I deserved it, and I said no, which was true because it’s not my fault that I don’t know how to act around people. I was born like this. I then helped him tidy up the classroom before turning to leave.

 “Just… take care of yourself.”

 “Sure. See you tomorrow, Sir.”

 The corridors were empty as school had finished about half an hour previously. I walked to the bus stop, and no-one from my school was there. There was just a crowd of guys from the local private school. I held tightly and nervously on the strap of my bag; private school didn’t equate to nice people.

 I could feel my heart rate increase and my hands start to shake as they started to nudge each other and nod at me.

 “Hey- broken bag boy!”

 I looked up in surprise as the voice came from a car that had quickly pulled up at the bus stop. It was, of course, you.

 “Yeah?”

 “Fancy a lift?”

 “Sure. Thanks.”

 I got into the back of the car and you scrolled up your window. I felt wrong to be accepting the lift, but I kind of knew you, right?

 “Those posh school boys can get kind of rowdy. You should be more careful.”

 “Right.”

 “This is my brother, Lee, by the way. Oh, and I’m Toby- in case you didn’t know.”

 The driver turned to you.

 “I thought you said he was your friend?”

 I didn’t hear your reply because I was focusing really, really hard on not embarrassing myself over the fact that you had called me your friend. I don’t know if I should tell you that, because if you ever do read this letter it might be kind of embarrassing…

 I sat in silence for the rest of the journey and listened to you talk to me and your brother. Although, I had to give him directions, obviously.

 We pulled up outside my house and I got out of the car and thanked you both. You both smiled at me and left quickly. I already felt like I knew you better; you had spoken about universities and courses and sports and holidays.

 I hope to speak to you in real life again soon. Like I’ve said before, you are a very articulate person.

                Love,
                Jack.