A.N.O.R.E.X.I.A [BxB]

Eighteen.

Dear Jack,

                I’m sorry to say that I forgot to address something in my last letter. I really want to talk about you running. You see, Jack, it’s good for you to be healthy and everything, but I hope you don’t do all this running just for me. That sounds bigheaded, but hear me out. I hope that you don’t feel the need to improve yourself in any way. You talk so much about wanting to show me the world from your point of view. Please allow me to show you mine.

 I have grown up in unique surroundings, just like you have, and so has everyone else who has ever lived. Everyone has their own views, thoughts and opinions. Some of these are shared, but they are never viewed quite the same for each person.

 I was brought up in a family where you have to be the best. Not so long after my first birthday my mother decided to move on and have a different, ‘replacement’ family. Why this happened has never been explained to me, or my father, or my brother. Maybe that’s how we became so damaged that we weren’t allowed to show it. No crying, no shouting, no screaming. Only optimism and achievement. One of my father’s favourite things to say is “broken goods are worth nothing”. He tries to apply this often out of context, but I suppose it’s always supposed to be in context of our lifestyle. My father had to be the best single dad, my brother and I the best-behaved children. We all have to win all the trophies, earn every promotion, gain every object of lust.

 Sometimes the thought that I chose to be gay crosses my mind. It’s an awful thing to think and it makes me so mad, but it happens. I wonder if I became gay to stab my mother in the back, to give proof for why she abandoned us- or maybe it was because of my father pushing his views onto me and Lee and I subconsciously decided to rebel… My father would never declare himself a homophobe, but in reality that’s what he is. It could be a product of the surroundings in which he grew up in or something he established on his own. That’s his view, though. My brother doesn’t seem to have too strong an opinion either way. So it’s hard for me, you see, to feel comfortable or safe around them. Of course I know that I didn’t choose to be gay- it’s something I am, always have been and always will be. But I wonder if I was straight would I still have the same attitude. Would I be for or against equality? Would the opinions of those who surround me alter the views I have now?

 This all seems irrelevant, but it’s not.

 What I’m trying to demonstrate, Jack, is that people see things differently, but there are two filters; personal opinions is one; everyone else’s view is another.

 Look at yourself in the mirror. What you see is completely different to what I see. I mean, yes, technically we are looking at the same thing, but… Maybe if you can make sense of this letter you’ll understand what I really mean to say. You don’t need to do exercise or change in any way. To me you’re beautiful. I don’t care how strange this all sounds because it’s just you reading it so I know you won’t judge me.

 Maybe some people around you don’t value what they see, but they are idiots in my opinion. I don’t know how you managed to go unnoticed by me for all this time because really you’re all I can think about. Your image is burned into my mind and I wouldn’t alter it for the world. Call me gay, whatever! It’s a big surprise, because guess what? I am gay. And I really, really like you, Jack. It doesn’t matter to me if you don’t feel the same way as long as I can just be around you. You allow me to be myself and I don’t care about all the little things as long as you’re my friend.

 Don’t change in the slightest bit. Don’t change because you’re beautiful and have an incredible personality to match.

                Love,
                Toby.