Just tell me (Phan AU)

I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

DAN POV

I opened my eyes slowly as the steady beeping beside me seemed to get louder and louder. That was probably just my hangover though. I felt like someone was working a jackhammer in my brain and wouldn't stop for anything. My mouth and throat were bone dry and I had a foul taste in my mouth. A woman's voice near my bed whispered "He's definitely waking up but he'll be a bit groggy.
I recognised the voice of the person she was having a conversation with
"Thank you, Doctor." Phil muttered. He sounded tired. As the doctor left the room, Phil walked closer to my bed.
"Phil?" I asked, but it came out as more of a croak.
"Yeah it's me." He replied.

My eyes were struggling to adjust to the light around me "Your face is so blurry" I told him.

"My name's Blurryface and I care what you think." He sang quietly, barely holding the tune.

I tried to laugh, but I ended up coughing violently as Phil apologised over and over again for making me laugh.

"Phil, this might sound stupid but why am I here?" I asked. I didn't remember anything from the previous night.
Phil started to tell me what he knew, and my memory started to come flooding back. I remembered drinking on an empty stomach, then randomly walking until I saw the flat. I remembered falling on Phil and him telling me to leave. After that, I didn't know what happened.

"You went to walk down the stairs but you missed the step and tripped. You fell to the bottom." Phil told me. He had a grave look on his face.

"Dan I'm so sorry." He said so quietly that he was almost whispering. "I shouldn't have let you walk alone when you could barely stand up straight."

He looked genuinely sad. His head was bowed and if he was a dog, I'm sure his tail would've been between his legs.

"Phil." I whispered. "Please stop."

He looked up with this big eyes shining. "Stop what?" He murmured.

"Stop feeling sorry for me. It's my fault I'm here and if I was in your place, I'd hate me."

He sighed and shook his head. "Dan I could never hate you. Yeah I'm annoyed and hurt that you left me without a good reason but I'll get over it. I just don't know if I can be in a relationship with you anymore. The first bump in the road that we hit, you pulled the brakes."

I felt the tears falling from my eyes. I was ashamed of my actions and that I gave up so easily. I wiped my eyes, but it was no use because more tears formed as soon as the others disappeared.

"Look, Dan." Phil continued. "Once upon a time, you were the best friend I've ever had. We started as two strangers on the internet who had the same tastes in music, movies and television as each other. Fast forward a few years, we have an apartment together away from both of our home towns, a gaming channel, a sim that is treated as our son, a book and basically an entire world that we have created together. There is no way that I'm giving all of that up over a failed relationship. You mean too much to me to give you up."

"So what do we do?" I croaked through the tears.

"Well." Phil started, walking over to the edge of my bed. "We pretend the last few months never happened and stay best friends forever." He smiled and wiped away my tears.

PHIL POV

I pressed my lips against Dan's forehead. I kept them there for a few seconds because it was probably going to be the last time they touched his skin, and I wanted to remember how it felt to kiss him.

"I have to go." I whispered after reluctantly taking my lips from his head.
"I have to clean my apartment. My best friend is coming home tomorrow."

A smile spread across Dan's face when I spoke.
"Well your best friend is a lucky person." He spoke with a smile. "He doesn't deserve you."

I smiled in reply. "I'll come to get you first thing in the morning and we can just forget this ever happened."

I turned to walk out the door, but he grabbed my wrist to stop me. I spun to look at him, and there were tears in his eyes once again.

"Phil I'm serious." He whispered. "I don't deserve to be your friend, let alone your best friend after what I've done. I just want you to know that when I was gone, I was miserable. I didn't eat, I didn't even speak unless I was drunk or irritated. This is the first sober conversation I've had that wasn't me arguing with my brother since I left, and I want you to know that I'll never forgive myself for what I've done. Ever."

I felt the tears welling up in my eyes as he spoke. I knew that if I spoke I'd start to cry do I just have him a sad smile and a nod, before continuing to leave the room.
As soon as I walked out the door, the tears fell from my eyes. I didn't want to cry in front of Dan, because he obviously felt bad enough as it was. However, it was difficult. I tried to look strong, but I really wasn't. I was cracking on the inside. I spent the entire train journey home crying into hands.

When I got home, I text Pj and Chris telling them what had happened. Chris wasn't happy. He sent me a long message about how I shouldn't have forgiven him so soon.
Pj, on the other hand, decided it was a good idea to ring me and ask me more about the situation. He was always more forgiving than Chris.
Chris was quick to judge and slow to forgive. Pj was never judgemental and always saw the best in people.
We had a long chat about what had happened, and Pj told me that I had done the right thing in agreeing to be friends with Dan, but nothing more. I was lucky to have Pj. He always knew how to make me feel better.

DAN POV

This was going to be the longest night of my life. Not only did I hate hospitals, but I hated myself. I was stupid and wreck less. I didn't understand how much I was hurting Phil until I saw the pain in his eyes. It was something I'd have to live with forever. I ruined my chance with the boy who I had thought I was in love with and I didn't know how I could make it better again.

A/N: sooooo this has been an eventful week.
1. My story, Nyctophilia, that I've been writing with pastelpeachie reached 200 views! If you haven't read that yet, it would mean the world to us if you could.
2. 700 views on this. Thank you?
3. TROYE SIVANS ALBUM
AND FINALLY:
4. DEAAAAAAAATH OF A BAAAAACHELOOOOOR oh oh oh
LETTING THE WATERFALL

I don't know if anyone actually reads author's notes so if you read this, please comment "phan trash" to show that you did.
*gets no comment*
*feels lonely*
Aaaanyway, HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS CHAPTER! I PROMISE IT'LL BE HAPPIER SOON