Just tell me (Phan AU)

I'll Miss Missing You

A/N: I had to rewrite the last chapter because it got deleted, so it's slightly different now. I really can't use this app:')

DAN POV

Every day is the same now that I've left the apartment. I stay in bed until mid afternoon, not bothering to get up for anything other than to go to the toilet. I get up to go for a shower around three o'clock, and stand daydreaming, letting the water fall over my body for at least half an hour.
My mind is blank. I have pushed the majority f thoughts out of my head as a coping mechanism. All I think about are basic human functions such as eating, drinking, showering and most of all, sleeping.

After I have my shower, I either leave my bedroom in Adrian's house to have dinner, or just go back to bed. I usually go to bed, though. I barely eat. That's probably why I have to sleep so much. I have no energy or motivation to do that much anymore.
I avoid Adrian at all costs. He doesn't bother me and I don't bother him. He was kind enough to let me stay in his house, and I don't want to bother him with my problems. That wouldn't be fair.

I really miss Phil but I've messed everything up now. I wasn't thinking when I left him. I was angry.

DAN POV- TWO MONTHS AGO

I got up that morning, thinking I was doing the right thing. I had spent the past two weeks trying to put distance between Phil and myself. We had been seen by a fan, who threatened to tell everyone about our relationship, and I wanted to make sure it never happened again.
Maybe I overreacted. I told Phil that we couldn't hold hands in public anymore. If we were seen in a Starbucks that wasn't even that busy, we were sure to be spotted in busy central London. It was inevitable.
I tried as hard as I could go talk to Phil less and less everyday, to the point here he wouldn't want to be around me as much anymore. It broke my heart but for some reason I thought that it was the best for both of us. I was wrong. It get more and more very day and I couldn't go on. I had to leave before I hurt both of us even more. I assume that I was helping Phil.

That morning, I woke up knowing that it had to be the day. I left out bedroom at half five in the morning to ring by brother. I asked if u could stay with him until I found a new apartment and explained the situation to him. He was sympathetic but then again I told him that I had already broken up with Phil, not that I was planning to leave without him knowing.

After the phone had ended, I wet into my old bedroom. I was thankful that I had spent the last few months in Phil's bed and not mine, because it would've made the situation an awful lot more complicated.

I took out every suitcase I owned. I didn't even bother folding my clothes and just launched them into my cases.
I had finished by seven o'clock and went for a shower.
I wanted to write a letter for Phil, explaining what I was doing and why, but he woke up earlier than I had expected. He walked into my room while I was straightening my hair.
I felt a pain going through my chest. It wasn't a physical pain, but it hurt me to see him nonetheless. The look of confusion, shock and sadness in his face broke me. I couldn't cope with explaining what was happening so I just told him that I was leaving.

"Dan please." He tried to reason with me, but I just cut him off.

"PHIL I JUST CAN'T. " I shouted at him. He jumped in surprise and tears spilled from his eyes. He was clearly hurt by my tone and actions. I felt horrible. I had hurt the only person who I had ever had romantic feelings for and I was ashamed. The only thing I could think to do was to leave before more damage was done. As soon as I got out the door, I got into Adrian's car, since he had been waiting for me for a few minutes. I couldn't keep the tears in any more and I completely broke down, blubbering for the entire journey to the apartment.

DAN POV- CURRENT TIME

I wonder if biology can explain the physical pain in your chest when all you want to do is be with someone.
All I wanted was for Phil to forgive me but I had really messed things up. I wished that life could be how it was written by our viewers, but alas, life is not like the fanfictions.
Real relationships don't work that way. People don't just meet, talk, confess their love and live happily ever after. There are bumps in the road for everybody and sometimes they don't reach that happily ever after. Yes I know it's sad, but it's the truth. I needed to learn to deal with my heartache like a real person and not deal with it like words on a computer.

How can I deal with it? Alcohol... Sadly. I needed to numb myself and forget about what I had done. However, you do things that your conscious mind would not allow when you are drunk. And that is the story of how I ended up outside our old flat one drunken night.