Stuck - Larry Stylinson

Chapter 18

"Maybe god can be on both sides of the gun
never gone, understood why
some of us never get it so good,
so good"

Louis' POV

It was not meant to happen but that almost-kiss was probably the thing to blame. I was falling for Harry. I was falling fast and hard, I was not sure if anything was going to catch me. It was terrifying. But I blame the almost-kiss, because that made me realize that I actually wanted to kiss Harry and then all of the thinking came and I just realized it. I was falling.
But like I told him, Harry would get tired of me and understand that I was everything you didn't want anyone to be. I was an awful person.
"Hey Louis." a voice said from behind me and I turned around. There stood Liam looking way too nervous.
"Uhm, hi." I said and Liam smiled slightly. Just as I was about to walk away Liam spoke up again.
"I was wondering...I wondered if Harry is alright and uhm...how you are?" Liam said/asked and I gave him a weird look. Why didn't he ask Harry? Hadn't they made up yet?
"I'm fine and well Harry is alright, he misses you though and he thinks you hate him." I said honestly and Liam smiled sadly.
"I need to talk with him, huh?"
"That'd be a great idea." I said and Liam smiled before he turned around.
"Bye Louis! And thanks!" Liam shouted over his shoulder and I gave him thumbs up before I sighed and sat down on the general sofa. It was morning and the most people were eating breakfast now so I was more or less alone in the common room. It was just one staff member and two other people who lived in the house. I didn’t recognize any of them, new people came all the time so I wasn’t surprised.

I sighed and closed my eyes slightly. I had a feeling today would be a long day.

***

I was right about today being a long day. School had been tuff and my exams were coming closer so we didn’t have any lessons with the younger students. Therefor I hadn’t seen Harry all day except at lunch when he sat with Liam, some other students from his class and Niall. He sat with Niall. It didn’t make any sense to me.

Maybe they had all made up and were best friends again. Maybe Harry already had gotten tired of me and decided that I was indeed not good enough to be his friend. Maybe he realized that I was right about me. That was what I wanted though. I wanted him to understand that he was the one who was wrong about me. But why did it then feel so bad? This was what I wanted. Or at least I thought I wanted it.but for some reason I wished he would have stayed with me and proved me wrong. That he could make me feel loved and beautiful. It was proabbly too much to wish for.

The night was cool and I felt cold where I sat alone in the garden by the oak. I was tired or more exhausted but my mind was running and I couldn’t relax enough to fall asleep. So I just sat there and let my thoughts run wild.  It wasn’t as peaceful as it used to be when I sat here. Something was missing and I hated it. The ‘something’ that was missing was rather a someone and I knew exactly who.

I needed Harry here. I didn’t practically want him here but I just needed him. Now. I hated depending on people. I hated it when I finally let people in. Because all that happened was that they left me and I was left with more problems than before. I really hoped Harry wouldn't leave. I didn't know how I would continue without him. I needed him so damn much it was scary. I needed him to be with me and tell me that everything would be alright even if I knew it wouldn't. Because nothing wpould ever be alright for me. I was not meant to have it good.

I was probably not even meant to be alive. I mean I was probably a mistake. My mum was only nineteen when she got me so I was probably not even planned. I was a mistake. And all I could do were mistakes. My life was a mistake.

I sighed once again and looked up at the dark sky to see stars every here and there. Why was everything so damn complicated? Why couldn’t everything just turn good for me for once? Because you don’t deserve it, my mind reminded me. I didn’t deserve a good normal life. I deserved all shit that got thrown at me, deserved all the pain, guilt, self-hatred and I deserved to feel half dead. I did deserve to live ,though, so I could feel all this pain. It was meant to be like this for me.

I closed my eyes and rested my head against the tree, feeling my eyelids get heavier I took a deep breath and welcomed the sleep. I fell asleep in the garden and no one went out to check me. No one cared. I was all alone. Again.