Drowning

chapter fifty six

Once Amy calmed herself down and everyone was gone after the pitch meeting; her, Jimmy, Seth, Kristen, and Bill all sat in Amy's office.

"Tell us what you know." Kristen ordered gently. Seth squeezed Amy's hand and she began.

"Her uncle molested her when she was little." she started, amazed at how calm she was. "She blocked it out of her memory for a really long time. I guess after Christmas something triggered her to remember it and she went crazy. I'm guessing she doesn't think she's worthy of actual love now, Jimmy. That's why she broke up with you."

"I don't understand, why'd she leave??" Bill asked.

"To get help."

"It all makes sense now." Kristen said in an undertone. Everyone looked at her, waiting for an explanation. "I mean realizing that must have been so traumatic...she went back to being abused because she's beginning to think that's the only thing she's ever been worthy of." 

"She was worth it to me." Jimmy said, getting up.

"Where are you going?" Amy asked. 

"I have to find her."

"Okay we all wanna find her, we've got no idea where she is,stay here bro." Seth tried to intervene. He didn't need another person he loved on the loose. 

"Yeah it's pointless." Bill added. 

"I'm not just going to sit here wishing she was with me! I'm going to try to find her. I'm leaving tomorrow." He declared, no trace of anger in his voice;just hurt.

"What about the tonight show?" Kristen tried. She didn't want him gone either. 

"They'll get a backup host, if not; they'll fucking fire me! I don't care!"

Everyone looked at each other. Although they admired his braveness and love, it didn't seem logical. It would be literally like searching for a needle in a haystack. 

"Stay in touch." Amy stood up. "Call at least three times a day. If you need a thing, don't hesitate to ask. And if you find her, I swear if you even think about trying to get angry with her; I'll kill you."

He smiled at her, and everyone else stood up to show their support in jimmys decision. Someone had to do it. 

Late that night Tina was doing drugs in her hotel room. Lorne probably made the decision to fire her that day, jimmy hated her, she broke her best friends heart, failed Kristen, and made Seth mad. She didn't even see a reason for living at all anymore. Family? No. Love? No. Friendship? No. A job? No. She stood up and walked out onto her balcony, she was on the sixth floor. She took her last deep breath and swung one leg over the edge, cars whipping back and forth below her. The impact would surely kill her, and if that didn't, a car definitely would. The wind whipped against her face and her hair flew everywhere. Her whole life flashed before her eyes. She thought of the fun innocent games her and her brother would play together summer after summer, happy and free. She thought of her first day of school and how her teacher smelled like cranberries. She thought about the day her uncle violated her and how she died inside that day. She thought of the first time she drank and how the alcohol burned her throat and made her laugh. She thought about her senior prom, she had never danced that wildly in her lifetime. She thought about when she met amy at UCB and she knew she had met her best friend in the world. She thought about her audition for SNL and how rapidly her heart was beating. She thought about the first time she met Jimmy and how they instantly fell in love. She thought about their beautiful years together. All the memories of studio 8h ran through her head as her other leg made its way over the ledge. Suddenly, she heard something. Maybe it was fate, maybe it was god, maybe it was just accidental, but below her, a street performer was playing the song Jimmy and her had danced to Valentine's Day on his harmonica. Then just like that, the desire to live came back to her.

"Oh my god." She climbed to the other side and sat on the chair and covered her mouth, feeling herself start to cry. She had just tried to kill herself. She was going to end her life that was filled with laughter and joy and happiness. Love, friendship and an abundance of memories. She was just beginning. So many incredible things could be lying ahead.  She tried to catch her breath, but the tears kept coming. She had forgotten what it felt like to cry. Finally, she just let the tears come. Maybe she did need a person, if she ever did it would've been then; there crying on her balcony listening to the song her and the one she loved the most danced to before she shut him out. God, she never should've shut him out. She was so sorry. For an hour, she sat out there crying; she forgot how good crying felt. It was the second time she felt something in what seemed like forever. Before she went back into her room, she leaned over the deck where the man was still playing music. She believed he was some sort of Angel.

"Thank you."

He looked up. Maybe her eyes were playing trick on her, but she swears he smiled at her.