PS: I Love You! (A Cody Simpson Love Story)

Chapter 17: the aftermath

I woke up to Alli snoring beside me. Through the curtains I could see that the suns was raising. I'm thankful that Alli just saw me in her bed and didn't question it and just let me stay. 

I just lay beside her for minutes, staring at the ceiling. 

My mind is full of thoughts. Did yesterday actually happen? How do I handle this? I want to hate him but I don't. Do I hear him out? 

What do I do?!

I want to hear him out, but I don't want to hear what he is going to say. Because I know that I won't like it. If Kylie had pushed herself on him, surely he would tell me right away so it wouldn't become a big deal, right? 

I grab my phone to see what time is it. 06:46am. 

I have about twenty messages from Cody, each one more desparate than the other. I decide not to read through them and I get up, walking downstairs to the kitchen. 

When I get down there, someone is already awake. Please don't be Cody. 

Luckily it isn't. It's Brad.

"You are up early" He says when he sees me. I smile sitting down at the island, yawning. He probably doesn't know what went down last night.

"Yeah, I couldn't sleep" I reply, looking out at the sun raising at the beach. Their kitchen has huge, see through doors that can be pushed all the way to the side, making the house merge with the beach. 

"Did you have a good time last night?" Brad asks, his back is now turned to me, and he is making eggs. 

I want to tell him all about what an asshole his son is, but I can't. So I just lie and tell him that it was fun. 

Brad makes eggs for me too and then goes to eat outside, I decide to stay in the kitchen. Don't get me wrong, Brad, and Angie for that matters, are great. They treat their children as people first, and then kids, so talking to them is never awkward - but I just feel like sitting alone for a while. 

I finish my breakfast in silence. 

As I get back upstairs to take a shower and try and make myself feel better, I can hear noise coming from Cody's bedroom. 

I lean closer to the door and it sounds like.... sobbing? 

Instinctually, my heart goes numb from the sound of the boy I love crying, but then I remember that he has no right to feel this way. He is the one that hurt ME. I am the one that should be on the floor, crying. 

Honestly, I am a little surprised at me not reacting stronger. But then again I just don't feel anything at all. As if my body is trying to convince me that nothing happened, to protect me from myself. 

I sigh, and fight every instinct and urge I have to go into his room and hold him. He doesn't deserve me. 

I go to take a shower. 

When the steaming water hits me, I can't help but think about this year. What a surreal year it has been. 

If anyone told me back then, this would be my life now, I would laugh them in the face and tell them that my life is no coming-of-age TV Drama. But damn was I wrong. 

I feel guilty about the way I treated Kylie. I know I should hate her too for getting with my boyfriend but she was hurt, and angry, and had no obligation towards me anymore. I can't say I would do the same, I would never go that far, but I can understand how much it sucked for her. I was supposed to be her best friend after all. 

I feel guilty about the way I reacted to moms pregnancy. Deep down I know that they would never try and replace Sebastian. I think in the moment I just wanted to say the most hurtful things to them because I was so hurt myself. I can't believe how they must be feeling right now, having one dead son, and one daughter that hardly speaks to them - all amongst caring for a newborn. It's not fair to Addison either. From now on, I will try an be as good of a sister to her, that Sebastian was big brother to me. 

I wish Sebastian was here now. He would have given me some great, deep, advice on how to handle this situation. He would have told me how Cody should go to hell and that if he comes around the house he is asking for his ass to be kicked, but he would also hold me at tell me that it will all be alright. I miss him so much. 

By now I am full on sobbing. Hopefully the sound is drained from the sound of the shower. I can't help it. The thought of everything combined is giving me all the emotions at once. 

I can't believe I gave my everything to Cody and he threw it away like a piece of paper. The first boy I ever loved, didn't really love me back. 

Cody's POV: 

I didn't get any sleep last night.  All I could think about was what an absolute dickhead I have been. I have hurt the best girl that I have ever met. I spent the morning sobbing, not caring who heard me. 

I don't understand how it all happened. Well, I do understand how it all happened, I just can't recognise myself in the moment. 

I can understand if Ashley never wants anything to do with me ever again, but I don't know how I'll live without her. 

I have to talk to her though. I have to make her listen to my explanation. Maybe she will forgive me? Who am I kidding? Had the tables been turned I would have been so hurt that I wouldn't be able to look at a girl for years. 

The magnitude of what I actually have done hits me like a bus. I know what she must be thinking. That I was with Kylie and then took Ashley on a date in the evening, telling her I love her and then sleep with her. She must think I used her. My baby must think I have been pulling her along for some crazy game this whole time. 

Which is not true, not even remotely. But I know how it must look in her perspective. I hate myself. 

Kissing Kylie that day was the biggest mistake of my life. It just happened, but that is no excuse. I should have never let it even got to that moment. I should have known something was up when she "randomly" happened to be at the exact same place in Paris at the same time as me. 

But apparently I'm fucking stupid. 

I decide to get up. I can hear the shower in Allis bathroom running, hoping that it's Ashley and not Alli so I can try and get her to talk to me. Even if it's just for her to scream at me. I have to know how she is feeling. 

When I get downstairs, the house is empty. I'm guessing everyone left for the beach already. 

I make myself breakfast, waiting for whoever was left upstairs to make an appearance. While eating, I scroll through the pictures on my phone. 

The last eight months are filled with photos of Ashley, of the two of us, but also just of her. I love taking pictures of her because she doesn't like being the center of that attention. She prefers being behind the camera.  

I can hear someone coming down the stairs, and my heart starts going and I suddenly get nervous. What if it is Ashley? 

And surely, around the corner walks the most beautiful girl I know. 

woah. 

small chapter, but it's an update. SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING. I've been sooooo busy. Anyway.. follow my tumblr

www.late-night-thoughtsss.tumblr.com 

aww and thanks for all the reads and votes <3 love you all!!! 

yey 

AND OMG EDDIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE :'( lol everyone thinks Eddie is dead :'( ** hollywood heights**