Unbearable

Chapter 14

~Chapter 14~

(Vanessa's POV)

I was sitting in this lonely house on this lonely bed watching all the sad sappy lovey dovey movies I could find on Netflix. Darryl decided to move back in witch Chase for a little while. She thought I needed as much time alone with Kenneth as I could possibly get whenever he came home. The kids went along with her. Kenneth sees them every other day, and I see them the days he doesn't. It's like we're already divorced. My life. I was surrounded in a bed of junk food. I was set for the next five days. I had my three boxes of Krispy Kreme glazed donuts, two bars of the super jumbo rice krispie treat, one variety cheesecake with my favorite cheesecake flavors, my chocolate turtles, Grandma's sugar cookies, an apple pie, and one jar of Nutella. Not to mention I took the mini freezer out of Kenneth's man cave in the basement so I could fill it with ice cream. I had every flavor I could think of that would give me diabetes in seconds of tasting it. There was regular vanilla and chocolate, of course; Birthday Cake, Brownie Fudge, Cookie Dough, German Chocolate, Cookie's N Cream, Rainbow Sherbet, Rocky Road, Twix & Snickers ice cream bars, ice cream sandwhiches, and all the ice cream toppings in the world. Man, I was gonna get fat. It doesn't matter. I'm gonna die old and alone anyway. Kenneth doesn't want me. Chase is all over Erica so he probably doesn't want me. Speaking of Chase we haven't spoken in the last two weeks. I don't know what the hell his problem is, but at this point it didn't matter. I wished this never happened. I wished Chase and Darryl never came looking for me. I wish Kenneth and I never ran into these bumps in our marriage. Hell, let's take it a step farther. I wish I never had Darryl. Then I'd be living a normal life. Who knows? I might have never even met Kenneth. He would have been somewhere happy with LisaRaye living the perfect life. Ya know what? I wish I was never born. Selfish, I know. But you can't judge me unless you are me. My eyes trailed my room. I don't know what I was even looking for but I looked. My closet. Chrissy. I told that girl to stop hiding her toys in my room. That jump rope was peeking out of my closet. The attic. The ceiling was boarded with wood. Why was I thinking like this? Maybe this was the answer. Maybe this was the only way to put things back in natural order. There was a saying that most parents tell their children. "I brought you into this world and I can take you out." Well, whoever brought me into this world never bothered to stick around. I'll handle their job for them. I'll take myself out.

Jump rope.

To the attic.

I opened the attic stairs that unraveled to the ground. I walked up. Step by step.

Thoughts weren't racing as usual.

This was do or die.

Well in this case, do and die.

I took my phone out.

I couldn't leave with any explanation.

I turned on my camera.

"Hi...if you're finding this. Well. You already know...I did what I had to do. Call it what you want to call it. Say I was selfish. Say I was crazy. Say I needed help. All I know is, I wanted something in this life. And I never got it. That was love. Real love. I don't wanna ramble. Im trying to get this over with as soon as possible. I just want you guys to know. Whether you cared or not, I love you. I'll always love you. I guess my last will and testament is to divide everything between my husband, and three children. Kenneth Maurice Combs Sr., Christina McKenna Combs, Kenneth Maurice Combs Jr., and Darryl Marissa Shepard Parker. I guess all I really wanna say is. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted. Bye now. I gotta handle this business."

I stopped the video and looked up at the many rows of wood hanging down from the ceiling.

I dropped my phone.