Regal Arts

I can't

I wake up next to the man I love, he's still asleep, peaceful as ever. Roland is asleep on the pullout couch. I'm so happy today is finally Saturday. I can just relax. I think back to everything thats happened in the past week. Meeting Robin, our first kiss, the date, our sporadic makeouts, and now here we are. He's asleep in my bed and I start to realize, are we moving too fast. This week has just gone by so slow, so many events have happened in just this one week. I look at my alarm clock and see that its already 8:50.

I toss and turn but I can't fall asleep. I feel bad but I want to wake Robin up so we can have some alone time before Roland wakes up. I scoot closer to him and turn to face him, drawing random swirls on his muscular chest. I whisper in his ear "wake up sleepy head" he starts to stir just a bit but stays fast asleep. I then nibble gingerly on his ear making him roll over so he's facing me as well. But his eyes are shut and his breathing is still slow and even. I then press my lips on his, in which he responds by grabbing the back of my head and flipping us so I'm on top of him. I pull back and scoot my body down so that my feet touch his, and so my head rests on his chest. He runs his fingers through my hair and speaks groggily "morning beautiful."

"Good morning." I pause and look at the clock just watching the little hand tic by. "How'd you sleep?"

"Perfect, what about you"

"I slept very well. I always do when I have you by my side." I look up at him so my chin is resting on his chest. He smiles and looks down on me. I then sit up and straddle him, and he follows by sitting up and leaning against the headboard.

"So your okay with Roland calling you mommy right? I'm sorry he did that. Kids right?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "I like that he calls me mommy. It might be a bit weird in class but, its my art school so I don't mind" and I smile brightly looking him.

"Well I'm glad. You seemed rather tense when he asked you." Oh great he's bringing it up "Do you wanna talk about it." I just awkwardly look at him and bite my lower lip. I give him a quick kiss before getting off him on to the soft carpet of my floors.

He looks at me obviously still expecting an answer. "I do but- I don't know, I just get nervous. Im thrilled but just- I don't know how to explain it."

"Regina, Im not gonna push you to tell me anything till your ready...but you can trust me."

I start to pace around the room trying to think what to tell him. "I know. Its not that I don't trust you. Its just the subject brings up emotions and memories I've blocked out for a while." I sigh and just tilt my head at him. He then pats his lap signaling me to get back on him so I go back to straddling him. "Robin? If we got married one day, would you want to have children with me?"

He smiles, "I think that if you wanted one and we had a stable relationship I would happily want to have a child." I sighed and figured It would be easier If I just told him, like ripping of a bandaid.

"I can't have children."

"What??" he asks trying to comprehend my last sentence.

"I. Can't. Have. Children." I feel tears at the brim of my eyes. my voice cracks "I mean I can have them but there is a high risk of miscarriage and the child being born with defects. Women with my condition all miscarry. And the few that don't have a child that isn't 'perfect'"

"Regina, I don't care what our child looks like. And If you loose the baby we'll keep trying. If you want a child I won't give up till you have one. And there are other ways to have kids. We can adopt, or have a surrogate mom."

I could tell that he was sincere. "How did I get so lucky?" I say quickly before crashing my lips on his. He catches on quick and runs his hands up and down my back. He then does something new, he brings his hand down to my butt, slowly, and I don't stop him causing him to squeeze it. I moan in his mouth and run my fingers through his short hair. "Robin?" I say while pulling back.

"Yes milady?"

"I just realized that I've never been to your apartment."

He chuckles "Oh no you don't want to go there. Its a one bedroom tiny apartment. Thats dirty and falling apart."

"Oh ok. Well I was thinking, If you and Roland wanted to move in here, I wouldn't mind." And I smile at him thinking back to my previous thought of are we moving to fast?

But he just looks at me and then smiles. "We'd love to!" And I respond by leaning in, and nuzzling myself on his shoulder with a big hug. I then turn and kiss him on the cheek. "I can't wait." I barely whisper. "Me too he whispers back." And we just sit like that, warm in each others embrace.