Kiss Me My Darling, Darling I Need You.

Chapter 6: Irrational, Impetuous, Intemperate.

|Matt|

|Sioux Falls, South Dakota|

'Twenty days.' I thought to myself as I slammed back the dirty hooker shots that Charlie was feeding us. The sweet fruity taste masked the musky taste of the liquire. It was a weak drink so I contrasted it with an Irish car bomb. But no matter how many drinks I pounded back I still saw Bow in the bottom of my glass and I'd have to remind myself that I have twenty more days until I'll be in Cape Cod eating seafood and relaxing by the Bay. I won't have time to worry about Bow, or any other part of my past. But the likelihood of this happening is more of a wish or daydream than it is a reality for me. I know I'll end up trying to look for Bow. I've asked her agent where she was, but all I got was: That's classified information, sir. She knew I was going to go to her agent and ask for an address. That's the thing about Bow. When she doesn't want to be found, nobody will find her. Maybe I'm delusional, lost in a sea of hope. Hope is the worst thing imaginable. It saves you, but once the dust settles you see that nothing has really changed. You just sell your soul for a b horror movie kind of smoke screen. But my gut is telling me that there is something magical waiting for me to stumble upon it in Cape Cod. And I've learned that you have to trust your gut instinct. She taught me that. She taught me a lot of things that I apply to my daily life. 

For some odd reason every time I think about this I think of this quote by Mary Oliver: "Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too was a gift." Bow gave me a box of darkness when she left again. But I wonder if I gave her a box of darkness when I hurt her all those years ago. When I ercted a flag on her body as if it were mine to conquer. When I executed her mind with the horrible names I'd spew at her in a rage. When I slaughtered her spirit with every lie I accused her of telling me. When I murdered her heart by still loving her, but showing her it in the wrong way. She still loved me even after all that. She still loved me after I cheated on her more than once. She still wished the best for me. She never responded negatively. She never said hurtful things to me. She tried reasoning with me.

"Randi and I are gonna try to get pregnant after this tour." I heard Charlie chime in with a fruity tone of voice. He sounded nervous but excited about this. I propped my head up and looked down the bar at the chubby faced man whom was gaining congratulations from the rest of the band. I was happy for them, but I was also jealous of them. I can't even count the times I've talked about having kids with either Bow or Harper. Bow more than Harper but it's come so close to being more than just talking. I mean shit, my daughter was two weeks away from being born eight years ago, and then Harper was pregnant but she aborted it. It seemed that my entire life has been an almost. I almost didn't have a broken family. I almost didn't have to work at sixteen. I almost didn't get kicked out at eighteen. I almost attended High School. I almost had the girl of my dreams. I almost was a father. I almost got married. I almost got the life I've always wanted. I almost lived happily ever after. I almost listened. I almost rationally thought things through. I almost didn't screw things up. I almost. Almost. ALMOST! It's the saddest word in existence. And it best describes my life. I know, I know. Sometimes things don't go your way. But here's the thing; nothing in my life has gone my way. I've always had to improvise just to keep my sanity. I've always had to work my ass off to get even a little bit of something I want. I didn't want to live in Bow's mom's apartment working for minimum wage while doing so much overtime just to get by. I wanted to live in my own home with Bow. I never wanted to struggle the way I have. I never wanted Bow to struggle either. She was doing so much for us. She had a job, she had writing classes, she never gave up on her dream. She never once turning to what I've turned to to get by. I've done a lot of unfair things. It was unfair to me, it was unfair and unfaithful to Bow, it was unfair to everybody.

"Kids are a handful, man." George commented slugging back his drink.

"Yeah. And the parenting books don't even come close to what it's really like." Danny added with a light chuckle. I knew I was going to be bitter about this, I decided to keep my mouth shut. I was happy that Charlie and Randi were moving forward in their lives and beginning a family. But I was bitter because I was the only single one in the band. Dylan had Rae, Danny had Theresa, J had Vanessa, Charlie had Randi and George had a new girlfriend who we're yet to meet. Tyler wasn't a part of the band but he was the tour drummer and even he had a partner. I was just a bitter old man all by himself.