Kiss Me My Darling, Darling I Need You.

Chapter 12: Hope Again.

|Matt|

When we got back to Bow's apartment, Bow showed me where everything was and then made Seth lunch. I've never seen Seth have an anxiety attack but I knew he was having one when he realized what time it was and he hadn't eaten lunch yet. It was strange having to calm and three year old down from having an anxiety attack. It was pretty mild according to Bow. She showed me how to calm him down without physical contact. We had to reassure Seth that today was a special day so everything was only a little bit different; and he was going to get his lunch and nap, and not to worry. Usually that's not the way to calm someone down from an anxiety attack but Seth's three so it worked.

Seth and I ate lunch while Bow did some chores. Seth talked to me about maps; he knew the distance from California to Cape Cod and how long it would take to get there by walking. He showed me all of the postcards he's gotten from Uncle Dylan while we were on our travels. It made me pretty upset knowing Dylan was buying my son postcards and presents while I was completely oblivious to everything. Dylan has been more of a father to my son than I have. But that's about to change. I'm going to make sure Seth gets a postcard, a map or a present from every place I go from now on. Seth showed me all the places he wants to go see and told me why he wants to go see those places. He has information down to the micro detail. Usually kids with Asperger's don't develop this obsessive behavior until they're five or six, but Seth's three and he's telling me that he wants to go to Australia to meet the aboriginals and learn about their culture, and to see the cute kangaroos and koalas.

After lunch Bow showed me how to put Seth down for a nap. I was surprised to learn that Seth still sleeps with a soother. I thought for sure Bow would get him off of needing one by the time he was two. But I guess not.

When Seth was down for his nap Bow had to go to the store quickly so she left me in charge.

I gazed at all of the pictures that hung on the walls of Bow's apartment. Some were professionally done while others were selfies, or Seth's paintings. I could tell she loved him very much. In Bow's world there is no such thing as doing things half assed. She's put her entire heart and soul into making Seth's home environment as comfortable as possible. The entire living room floor was colour foam puzzle pieced mats on top of beige carpet. There was a mini fisher price kitchen in the kitchen for him. Everything was labelled, and I mean everything. All of the electrical sockets were blocked off by furniture. On the coffee table there were a row of labels with the matching remotes over them. There was a picture of the Cartoon Network logo and then the Tree House logo with the channel numbers. The corners of all of the tables have been baby proofed. There was a little laminated booklet sitting on the coffee table as well, it was titled "Seth's day: Monday-Friday". I couldn't help myself; I looked through it just to see what kind of life Seth leads. I know it has to be a very routinely strict life because of his condition.

7:00am: Wake up.

7:05am: Eat breakfast.

7:30am: Wash face, brush teeth, brush hair, and get dressed.

7:45am: Take medicine.

7:50am: Sit on the quiet mat and doing deep breathing.

8:20am: Put shoes on.

8:25am: Time to go to Daycare.

8:30am: Play outside until the bells rings.

9:00am: Speech therapy with Mrs Cromby.

10:00am: Arts and crafts.

11:00am: Play nicely with your friends.

11:30am: Lunch time. Wash hands before eating.

12:30pm: Quiet time in the hobbit hole.

1:15pm: Nap time.

2:15pm: Play nicely with your friends until mommy comes to get you.

3:15pm: Go see Miss Nadeen.

4:15pm: Home time.

4:30pm: Help mommy cook dinner.

5:15pm: Dinner time.

6:00pm: Bath time.

6:30pm: Lotion and jammies.

6:45pm: Snack and medicine.

7:00pm: Sit on the quiet mat and do deep breathing.

7:30pm: Story time.

7:45pm: Bed time.

Alongside the writing were pictures of a clock with the time on it. 7a.m, there was a picture of a clock with the long hand on the twelve and the short hand on the seven. I didn't realize exactly how strict his life needs to be. I mean, Seth's life is measured in a perfect fashion. His life happens in five minutes, ten minutes, fifteen minutes, half an hour or an hour. There is never a moment in his day where he just wings it. And if Seth needs to follow this routine every day, so does Bow. Bow can't just say "Hey, let's just not do this today." No, she can't. She knows it'll hurt Seth. She has formed her life around his. I don't know if I'll be able to do that. I like being able to do whatever whenever. It makes me wonder: how is Bow preparing Seth for his trip to California? Seth has bad anxiety about big changes; he might freak out and hurt himself or someone else.

I smiled to myself when I saw a little snare drum sitting beside the toy box. It made my heart swell with joy to see that Seth likes drumming too.

"It's to help his motor skills." Bow's voice made me jump a bit and twist around. She was kicking off her shoes with a white plastic bag hanging off of her wrist. I nodded with a sheepish smile.

"Seth has consumed your life, hasn't he?" I grinned. Bow's optimistic facial expression dropped into a seriousness that was sharp like a knife cutting into me. I followed Bow into the kitchen where she set the plastic bag down on the counter and pulled out a jug of 3.25% milk and a container of almond milk.

"Seth hasn't consumed my life, I didn't have a choice; Seth became my life." Bow's words were deep and sincere. I could tell she loved Seth with every ounce of her existence. She wouldn't have gone Extreme Makeover: Home Edition on her apartment if she didn't love Seth with everything she had.

"And if you did have a choice? What then?" I asked a serious question that I wanted a serious and honest answer for. I didn't realize I had crossed my arms over my chest until I inhaled deeply. Bow sighed and put the container in the fridge next to the jug. She turned and looked at me with a motherly expression. She flicked her tongue over her lips and stared at me with those coffee bean coloured eyes.

"You need to understand that, you may have gone through a lot of shit in the past with Harper, but you didn't ruin your own relationship with your fiancé by sleeping with your ex and getting pregnant with his baby. I was in a really dark place when I left. There were a couple of times where I even thought about suicide, but then I found out I was having Seth. That little boy has brought so many things into my life that I didn't know I needed until I had them. So, in short, if I got the chance to go back to that point in life knowing then what I know now, I would still sleep with you. I wouldn't change this for the world, Matt." Hearing Bow put into words that she was in a dark place after everything that happened made me realize exactly how much of an impact everything had on her. She needed someone and she got Seth.

I didn't know what to say. Is there anything I can say? Bow has made it rather clear that she thinks that Seth and I can help each other in dealing with things. She told me that Seth is my reason to stay now. She wasn't lying either. Now that he's a part of my life, I'm not going anywhere.

I let my arms fall to my sides but my hands slid down into the pockets of my hoodie. I leaned against the doorframe and watched as Bow tidied up the kitchen a bit. Something persistently nagged at my mind and the statement came out mindlessly.

"You never did tell me when he was born."

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