Kiss Me My Darling, Darling I Need You.

Chapter 15: Social Media.

Find the place inside where there's joy, and let the joy burn out the pain –Joseph Campbell.

Love is a very complicated thing. Love is a very powerful thing. It can create or destroy. It can rip apart or hold together. Love is an overwhelming thing that makes you feel like you're spinning, like no matter how hard life gets there is always going to be a shining light when you go home. You can love someone with your entire being; it rips your heart into pieces. It's the most painful experience you'll ever feel but it's the greatest.

I sat on the couch with Matt's mom while Matt sat in the recliner. Seth bounced for joy at Matt's feet. He opened a scrapbook of postcards Dylan has sent him from around the world; there were also pictures and letters. I could tell Matt was jealous. Dylan sent Seth presents when it was supposed to be him. Dylan was the only one of the guys to know about Seth, he wasn't even supposed to know but since Rae is such a big part of our lives, Dylan had to know. He was good at keeping it on the down low though. He knew why I did what I did and why it was so important to keep the others out of our lives.

It was painful to watch but I fell in love with the sight. Matt was so into what Seth was showing him. He was astounded by Seth's sudden intelligence level shift. He went from talking like a three year old to speaking like a six year old. Seth does that sometimes. He is extremely intelligent but there are times where he goes through a "baby phase" where he dumbs himself down. He doesn't understand social cues but I think he has some kind of idea that he's actually smarter than the other kids at Daycare.

"See daddy, this is the Red Square in Moscow, Russia. It's cold in Russia." Seth proclaimed, showing Matt and picture of the Red Square. It was from a few months back when the guys were on tour. Matt grinned and looked at all the pictures Seth was showing him so proudly.

"I've been there before. Maybe next time I go I'll bring you with me and we can have a snowball fight." Matt smiled and ruffled Seth's honey blond hair. Seth looked at his dad with oval blue eyes that seemed to gleam in the afternoon sunlight like a blue lake in the summer sun. Seth continued to show Matt his collection of post cards, pictures, maps and little sticky notes of facts. And Matt just sat there and allowed Seth to bore him to the point of insanity. But I could see joy on his face even mixed with pain. I knew he didn't want to sit there and to have the list of all the cities in Australia listed to him but he stayed. He stayed and let Seth list every single one of them.

"Can daddy take Seth to the park?" Seth asked, flipping through his scrapbook. He didn't even look back at me; he only sat on the floor and looked at the pictures. Seth has always spoken in third person. Matt looked over at me as if I was the overseer of both of their lives. I needed to give Matt more freedom with Seth, he's never going to learn how to be a good father if I don't let him do things and learn.

I shrugged a shoulder and twisted my mouth slightly.

"I don't see why not. You guys go to the park while mommy stays here with Grandma." I offered the master plan. Seth jumped for joy while Matt eagerly stood up, pulling his pants up a bit. Seth went and grabbed his hiking boots and brought them to me. He held them out in front of him, asking me to help him put them on. I shook my head and glanced up at Matt, who was kicking his shoes on.

"Go ask daddy to help you." I told him firmly but in a soft voice. Seth blinked at me for a second then turned on his heel and marched up to Matt with his boots raised above his head. Seth stared at Matt, but I could tell that Seth wasn't making eye contact; he was probably looking at Matt's shirt.

"Use your words." I reminded him in a soft tone of voice. Seth kept his shoes held out.

"Please." He said surely. I raked my fingers through my hair, pushing my bangs back.