Kiss Me My Darling, Darling I Need You.

Chapter 9: Fuck Love. Fuck You. I'm Dying Just to Hurt You Too.

I sure hope this is worth it. Not only did I spend almost $150 on tickets for the show, I also had to rent a hotel room for the night, set aside food and entertainment money and money for the babysitter. And then I drove an hour to Boston with a fifteen year old and a three year old. I brought Seth with me, I even brought my babysitter, Nina, so I could kind of leave them behind at the hotel room in case I felt Matt wasn't ready to meet the truth. I spent the entire day with my stomach in my ass and my heart in my throat. Seth caught onto my nervousness and asked why mommy was scared. Of course I told him I wasn't scared. Seth didn't ask any questions, he was having too much fun being away from home for the day. Nina and Seth went shopping for Nina's dress for her quinceañera coming up. She asked me what I did for my quinceañera but I told her that I didn't get one. She was in awe that I didn't have a celebration from childhood into womanhood. My mom wanted me to have one, but we never had the money for one.

Nina and I went dress shopping, and then out for lunch at a coffee shop. She told me about her boyfriend and School. I'm friends with Nina's parents, they trusted me enough to let her skip two days of School to help me out. Nina is an aspiring writer as well, so in a way, I mentor her. It's weird knowing young writers are looking up to me as a mentor and guide. Ten years ago I wouldn't have been able to say this. I wouldn't have been able to do the things I do now. I feel very blessed to have such loyal fans.

That afternoon Dylan popped by with Charlie and Jorel. All the guys now know the truth. George came by earlier that morning with Dylan and Danny. Charlie, Jorel, Danny and George have never met Seth before, Seth was a bit shy at first but when he saw Uncle Dylan he warmed up to everyone really quick. The guys promised to keep this a secret until I told Matt myself. They agreed as long as they could be a part of Seth's life. The stuck around for most of the afternoon before their sound check and played with Seth. George said next time he's in the area he's going to bring Ava so they can play together. It was really nice knowing they were accepting of Seth. I didn't care if they hated my guts, as long as they loved my son. And they did. I even explained why I left again and what had happened in those three months I was "back on their radar". They didn't care, they were just happy that I was alive and doing well. Hell, they were happy that I had a kid so they could play with him for a little while instead of being bored out of their minds until they play their show.

The guys allowed us to come into the gig early, and said they'd keep Matt away. We got a good spot where I didn't need to worry about Seth getting hurt. He stayed on my shoulders most of the concert. I obviously had a pair of earmuffs on him to protect his ears. He's never been to a concert before so at first he was a little afraid but then he got the idea and went along with it. It was both heartwarming and heartbreaking to see Seth look at his dad for the first time and smile like a dummy. I know Seth looks like Matt but I didn't realize exactly how much alike they really are. When Matt would headbang, Seth would headbang. When Matt would sing, Seth would sing back. Their hair almost matched. They were so much alike and it broke my heart into millions of pieces. They even had the same smile.

By the time their show was over Nina and Seth were both tired and very much ready to go back to the hotel, luckily the hotel was only a block away so I took them there then came back. I waited towards the back of the alley for them to come out. My blood ran cold and my heart jerked inside my chest when I heard that dark gravelly voice. I felt my breathing get caught at the back of my throat and my mouth didn't know if it should form a frown or a smile. Finally when I coughed up the courage to step out from around that corner I stood at the mouth of the alley, staring at the tall bulky man. My heart stuttered and my mouth formed a half smile.

"Excuse Me! Da Kurlzz?" I didn't know how I managed to speak but I did. When Matt turned around I wanted so badly to run up to him and kiss him, my heart demanded it but my brain objected to it.