Kiss Me My Darling, Darling I Need You.

Chapter 17: Staring Through the Fire.

Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you'll live forever. –Mahatma Ghandi

About an hour before I began to cook dinner Carol went home, not too long after that Matt and Seth came galloping up the gravel parking lot and into the apartment. Seth's jeans were full of muck and grass stains. To say I wasn't happy would be a bit of an understatement. But Seth sat quietly in the living room with Matt while I prepared supper, Seth and Matt's favourite: Clam Chowder. During dinner Matt and I were both very quiet. I'm not sure why Matt was so quiet, I was too emotionally drained to care. We only talked to Seth; I asked about the park and answered questions I've answered millions of times before. Seth asked Matt if they could go to the park tomorrow after he goes to see Miss Nadeen. Matt said only if it's nice outside. It was obvious that Seth didn't mind the slight schedule change, he rather enjoyed it. He wanted to do it again. Maybe this is a sign that Seth will take the trip to California well. Seth was very happy he got to see his "girlfriend", Abby today. Abby and Seth became friends about a year ago when I took Seth to the park one afternoon and none of the kids wanted to play with him but Abby came up to him and played with him. They've been two peas in a pod ever since. It made me wonder if Matt met Kate, Abby's mom. She is his type after all, she's tall and lean but not skinny, big boobs, nice ass, brown hair and brown eyes. She looks like Harper and that chick he's obviously into, Crystal. And she's single.

After dinner I drew Seth's bath while Matt had Seth help him clean up his toys in the living room. Matt insisted he gave Seth a bath while I relaxed. I know no such thing of relaxing. I tidied up the kitchen, listening to Seth singing head and shoulders in the bathtub; the occasional loud splash and 'whoa!' could be heard from down the hall. Seth talked nineteen to the dozen about his new big boy bed. He didn't need to sleep in a crib anymore. It's a hand-me-down from one of the Daycare workers. I've had it for a few days but it wasn't until this afternoon while Seth was down for his nap that Matt sat down and put it together. Seth was super excited to see the wooden low rising bed. It had safety bars at the head of the bed but besides that it was a normal bed for a small child. Matt and I took apart the crib, with the help of Seth of course, we leaned it against a wall in the living room. I'm selling it to one online. I don't plan on having anymore kids so why would I need a crib? After we took apart the crib Matt and I carried the new big boy bed into the bedroom. I helped Seth make his new bed and arrange his stuffed animals the way he liked them. Matt even sat with Seth and let Seth introduce him to his bed time toys. I only let Seth keep a couple of stuffed animals in his room so he's not up all night playing with his toys.

I picked out Seth's PJs and set out his lotion. It was weird having Matt do everything I'm so used to doing alone. Seth didn't ask for me once. I was just the spare tire; if he absolutely needed me he'd use me. Matt got Seth all ready for bed; I showed him the proper medications Seth needed. He needed an anti anxiety pill and a sleep aid pill. Matt sat on the quiet mat with Seth and did the deep breathing exercises for the entire half hour before Matt carried Seth into the small bedroom to put him to bed. I hovered outside the cracked bedroom door and listened to Matt softly read the bedtime story to Seth. I've put Matt through a lot in our entire relationship, not just a romantic relationship but the entire time I've known him. He may have made mistakes in the past but he's grown up a lot since, I had absolutely no right keeping Seth away from him. I'm afraid that Matt'll hurt Seth like he hurt me but that's not going to happen. Every seemingly carefree step Matt takes with Seth is really a provisioned leap of faith. Matt was not a part of our lives for eleven days before today and after Boston, who knows what he's done to prepare for becoming a father to a special needs child. Matt won't hurt Seth, not intentionally. I've hurt Seth unintentionally, by keeping him away from Matt. I guess Matt's just like me, human.

"Daddy, question." Seth paused to wait for Matt's reaction. Seth's small voice caught my attention. I listened closely.

"What is it buddy?" Matt inquired in a soft but gruff voice.