Kiss Me My Darling, Darling I Need You.

Chapter 7: Love Runs Out.

"To live in the hearts we leave behind is not to die."

There are no truer words. But I wonder if that's why we leave sometimes. So we die. So the heart can mourn and grieve, and then move on. I lived in Matt's heart and he lived in mine. When I left, I'm sure it killed him for a little while but he must've moved on. I left Matt's heart behind and I still managed to live. But am I alive? Am I truly alive and living? Or am I just surviving? I don't know anymore. I don't know if I've felt anything since leaving that day. I've been too busy with Seth to sit and think about it. But I don't need to think about this, I do know that I haven't felt peace in a very long time. Not the kind of peace I used to feel whenever I'd sleep with Matt beside me, sleeping peacefully. He'd hold onto me like I was his childhood teddy bear, fighting away the scariest monsters and his biggest nightmares. That's such a special feeling, and I'm so happy I've gotten to feel it. It reminds me of something my mother used to tell me when I was a girl: Men need to be loved. Women need to be wanted.

I buried my face into the cool pillow when I heard the bedroom door open and close again. I heard footsteps approach the side of the bed, he untied his work boots and kicked them off before working at his belt. The metal belt rattled loudly before it dragged his pants down to the floor with a audible 'thump'. I heard clothing rustling around then hit the ground, probably his shirt which would be covered in sweat, grease and oil. At this point I assumed he was only in his boxer briefs. I tried to pretend that I was sleeping but I really wanted to turn my head to catch a glimpse of his tattoos as he undressed. I adore his artistry and the sculpting of his body, the muscle tone was admirable and the way his tattoos sat on those muscle made him look like a painting Da Vinci painted in an art gallery in Rome. His soul was just as beautiful, and that's why I think he's too good for the life he's had. But then again, the most beautiful creatures have has to crawl out of the depths of hell.

There was a massive indent on his side of the bed which was followed by the sheets shifting and finally a heavy sigh when he managed to get comfortable. I smiled when I felt his chest press against my back and his arm lazily draped around my waist until his hand landed in mine, finger intertwined. I mentally debated whether or not to ask him how his work out was. He was exhausted and I really didn't want to deal with his grumpiness. But he might take it as a joke and laugh. I may love this man but his mood swings are exhausting.

"Don't even say a word." Matty whispered into my ear which caused me to giggle uncontrollably. He somehow knew that I was awake. I don't know how but he did. And somehow he knew that I was going to make a comment about him not going to the gym after work.

After our giggle fest we both managed to get some sleep before the alarm clock went off. Like usual, I was the one to have to shut it off and get out of bed reluctantly. Matty was snoring soundly into the side of my pillow, his face was buried beneath his and my pillow and his frizzy curly hair. He had pulled up the sheets so they were covering his entire body, well, apart from his feet. Matty was rather tall and I'm rather short, he moved into my world so everything is a bit small for him. He doesn't mind though.

Five days have passed since Rae announced that Matt's mom lives in Cape Cod. I don't think I've ever been this afraid. And I'm not exaggerating either. I am 100% freaking out. She lives in Fall River which is by Mount Hope Bay which is where I live. I take Seth to JFK memorial park all the time. Matt jogs through that park when he's in Cape Cod. He is within walking distance from me and Seth. That's terrifying. I don't want him to come back into my life, I don't want him to know Seth. Seth is fine without him. But what scares me most is Matt knows Rae is in Cape Cod, but he thinks that she's staying with his mom. If Rae goes up to Carol and tells her to lie to her son, she'll ask why and she won't stop until she gets the truth. If Carol knows I'm in Cape Cod, she'll know about Seth. She won't lie to Matt about Seth. She'll tell him to get here pronto. Matt's also not stupid, blissfully unaware at times but not stupid. He'll figure it out sooner rather than later. Matt's a huge mama's boy and he'll call her, and he'll bring up Rae and his mom will tell him Rae wasn't with her. Matt will come here to look for Rae, and in finding Rae he'll find me. And if he finds me, he finds Seth. And I've known Matt for many years and his biggest dream is to be a dad. If he finds out that he's a dad, he won't let us go. If Matt's a part of Seth's life, he's a part of my life and that'll bring up a lot of old feelings that we have for each other. I'm not going to lie; I still do love Matt with all my heart but when we're together bad things happen. Everything was unraveling right in front of me.