Kiss Me My Darling, Darling I Need You.

Chapter 18: State of Shock.

|Matt|

Chaos wasn't born the day life had no rules; it was born the day that life learned the only rule it had was to live within a limited amount of time. –Unknown.

I was surprised. I was surprised that my heart didn't savagely break through my rib cage and make a mad dash for the hills. All because she stared at me all misty eyed, her entire face looked like it was under a dreamy spell. I held her and she held me. She wanted to kiss me; I could see it in her eyes. I was so close to having her to myself again. But tectonic plates shifted in her head and she changed her mind. In a split second I saw the person she was before we broke up, the person she was when she was with Pat and the person she was now. It left me speechless. She asked that I leave, but not for good. She told me she'll see me in the morning. I would've thought for sure she'd tell me to stay away, to never come back. 

I complied and went home, but I hesitated at the door for a second. I wanted so badly to turn and kiss her until the breath was taken from her lungs and the words were taken from her voice box. But I didn't. Why didn't I do it? I've been dreaming of doing it for years now and she was right there, she wouldn't have pushed me away or anything if I did. She wanted me to. Why didn't I kiss her? I amazed myself with not kissing her. I wanted to, every single atom of my being wanted to but my brain said no and y'know how the saying goes; mind over matter. The entire walk back to my mom's house I was awestruck, I was so awestruck that I didn't even mind the freezing rain that soaked me.

When I got back my mom left me alone until after I had a shower and got changed into warm, dry clothes. After that she bombarded me with questions about how everything went, how Bow was and what we talked about. I told her that I mainly hung out with Seth and Bow and I chatted a bit about what we're going to do for Seth since he's getting older now and he now knows who I am. She knew I was keeping something away from her, she asked me directly if that was it but I kept my mouth shut. I said that Bow and I have some things that we need to work on but not in front of Seth. She understood that and left the conversation there. 

It was true though, Bow and I have a lot to talk about before this trip to California and I don't want these conversations to take place in front of Seth. I want this to be a move instead of just a trip but knowing me and Bow's past, shit will hit the fan and it'll only ever be trips to visit dad over the summer. Or I'll have to come see him. I don't want Seth to have to slip up his holidays because Bow and I can't be civil with each other. That's not fair to Seth, that's not fair to Bow, that's not fair to me and it's not fair to any other family who might want to see Seth over the holidays or birthdays. I really want Bow and me to work out, for Seth's sake. Before I thought I wanted us to work out so we can be together but now, I don't care if Bow and I are together, just as long as I have Seth. He's filled this void inside my heart and now it's overflowing with love.

I went up to bed not too long after my mom and I talked. I got changed and checked my texts since I didn't really do that when I was with Seth. My stomach dropped when I saw that I had a text message from someone I was interested in. She and I have been talking to each other for a couple of months and we've really hit it off. At first I didn't want to move on from Bow, I still don't but eleven days ago I didn't know if I would see Bow ever again so I started the beginning stages of moving on. I've told her absolutely nothing about Seth or what has been going on these last eleven days. I'm sure Bow knows about her, the guys must've told her about what's been going on in my life. She must know what Crystal does for a living. I guess that's why she's been so cold towards me being alone with Seth. If Bow is judging Crystal because of what she does then she must be judging me for being a poor judge of character, apparently. But she doesn't know Crystal like I do. She's smart and funny, and she'll love Seth to bits. Bow should know better than to judge a book by its cover.