Kiss and Tell

Kiss & Tell - [Part Nine]

Kiss & Tell

Copyright ©

Kiss & Tell - [Part Nine]

***

That night, I stay awake almost the whole night. I toss and turn trying to find sleep-but I can't. It's impossible.

I cry. I scream into my pillow. I even get up and walk around the house. All I can hear is silence. It's weird. At Amy's, her fathers snores echo in the dark night and the ocean is always making splashes when the cool water hits the shore.

It's too dark. Was there even a moon in Maine? Is it always dark? Or maybe it is just me. Maybe I'M turning dark.

I sigh. I used to take Anti-depressant pills in California. At first. But then I got happier, I guess. If that's what you call it.

Is there even happiness in this world? I didn't think so. Everyone changes, everyone wants to fit in, everyone lies, cheats, harasses, kills and bullies. It is such a cruel world.

I sigh-I've been doing that a lot. Maybe Mom should get me back on my pills. They helped. Well, sometimes. They relaxed me, made me diminish my dark thoughts. My doctor used to say what I was going through was normal. I still remember the last time I saw him; a year ago, before I stopped needing to go to him. I still remember his last words to me. They were painted in my head. I think about them every chance I get. I try to understand what he was trying to tell me. He hadn't even answered my question - just left me trying to solve an enigma.

'Why can't I feel happiness, doc?' I had once said to him. 'Why do my cheeks ache whenever I smile? I've always been happy...been good. Nice, even. Nothing really bad happened to me. But still, I can't find it in my heart to forget and forgive. Even though, it was nothing. It was nothing...'

'Go on, Jasmine.'

'I am such a loser, doc! A freak on Anti-depressant pills. Why didn't I tell him no?' I had laughed humorlessly, my figure slumping in the doctor's chair. 'If I hadn't accepted his date, I wouldn't be here now. I would be with my family...Cody...' My heart ached at my baby brother's name. He would always be my baby brother. Always.

'Jasmine,' doc sighed. 'Do you know what depression means?'

'Yes! It means that you are a freak of nature!'

'Oh, sweet Jasmine. Why do insult yourself so much? Why can't you lift that burden off your shoulder and give some of it to someone else. You can't carry all of it. It is too heavy. That's what makes someone depressed. When you have too much going on in that head of yours, it makes you stressed. And what does stress lead to? Depression. My child, you are not a freak of nature. You just need to find yourself. Maybe then you'll find your light. Everyone needs a light.'

He was the only guy I've told what was going on with my life. And it helped. It really did. So, maybe...maybe I'll find another doctor here in Maine.

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She looks like she hasn't slept all night. Well so did I. She doesn't speak, just nods her head, showing that she acknowledged me. Well, thanks, I mentally snarl. Two can play this silly game.

I sit on the chair in the kitchen table and wait until she's done fixing us some breakfast. I guess Cody hasn't shown up; telling me exactly why my mother had black circles under her eyes. Even the concealer she put on couldn't hide them.

Why hadn't Cody come back? I silently wonder. Does he always leave and stay overnight? I had no idea. But did I have any idea what was going on with my brother? Nah. Not a clue.