Kiss and Tell

Kiss & Tell - [Part Eleven]

Kiss & Tell

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Kiss & Tell - [Part Eleven]

 

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I'm afraid to give you my all, I'm afraid to love you completely. What if behind your beautiful face and kind words you are just bribing me. Maybe you are just reeling me in until you turn around and drop me. I'd fall so far and never be able to recover, I wish I could see the ending sometimes. I would know if I should hold on to you and keep going or just let it all end before I get up too high.

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Why can't I ever be at peace? Why can't I, for once in my life, not have to worry about anything? And seriously, why is karma always trying to kick me in the ass? Am I such a bad person that it has to follow me around? I honestly want to know.  

When he called me a few hours ago, I thought my life crashed and burned. Sure, I may sound like a straight-out dramatic, but trust me when I say this, he was making things harder- no, actually, he was making things complicated, way more than they should be.  

Following me around, making me confused, frustrated and most of all angry at myself for being so naïve. Leave me alone! My mind shouted at him, but nooo. His brain didn't catch on to the 'leave-me-the-fuck-alone' vibe I was giving off during the entire talk. Well he talked. I was too surprised to reply. 

I pull my hair. He is always winning, goddammit! Can't I win for once? I want to win! Even his stupid phone call left me silent and bitter. 

Loser, a demon inside me, taunts. Always the loser. 

But I don't want to be the loser. I want something better. Something that would leave me satisfied and him bitter. Not me. I get to win too. It's not fair if he always did. 

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A Few Hours Before

 

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"Jasmine. Long time babe." 

I remember a year ago, when me and Amy were sitting on her porch just talking. She asked me about Caleb. Quickly apologized if I didn't want to talk about him since that was a touchy subject. I had shrugged it off, because, I was waaay over him. Or so I thought. Even though I was seeing Doctor Oily, I knew I was over him because I realized what an idiot I was then and then realized how I changed now.  

Anyways, Amy asked me this one question. It left me thinking for days. I didn't answer her, well not then exactly. A week later, after thinking and asking myself her question over and over again, I came to deductions. I didn't have an answer to her question, because if I did, I would have spit it out the first time she asked it. 

"What would you say to him if you ever saw him again?" 

She asked me again that other week. And I looked at her, straight into the eye and said- "nothing." Because I wouldn't have to. I finally seemed to be okay. No one was going to make me talk him if it wasn't a matter of life and death. If an ice age swept through the earth and the only survivors were me and him, then okay. I'll make an exception. But if nothing like that isn't happening soon, well then, I wasn't going to speak to him.  

I guess maybe that's why when he spoke, I didn't answer him. 

"Oh so you're ignoring me now? Come on Jasmine. I was just calling to welcome you home!" He sounds so fake. Even my half-deaf Grammy would tell. I can't believe I ever thought I could love someone like him.