Rants and Poems

Rant- Forever and Alone

I didn't think I'd be using this for a very long time, but I guess this book is here for a reason. So here comes another rant. If you've guessed from the title it's about relationships and how I'm not in one.

Haha...

Do you have any idea how much it hurts? Of course, you do because you've been through the same thing, right? That's probably why you're reading this or you feel super sorry for me. In that case, I'm not looking for pity, just a way to vent everything out in a timely manner. I would usually hand write these things, but my hand hurts after an hour or so and that's no fun.

Anyway, the fact that I haven't started dating yet has been hitting me pretty hard. I'm happy with my lot in life, yes, but at the same time I wish I could have that someone by my side. The one that isn't family and has to feel obligated to say nice things to me or the best friend that will sugarcoat things at least a little to make me feel better. Of course, I don't want a blunt a**hat either, but... AH! It's even hard to type all of this down. It's not fair!

(Okay, J, breathe. Just breathe. Get this done and then you can go to bed. Okay? Good, okay.)

There have been guys that have "asked" me out or "thought" about going out with me, but it never worked out. Every single one was shot down before it could get off the mother pooping ground. It makes me wonder if there's something so awful about me that it literally makes it impossible for anyone to look pass my flaws.

Dear reader, don't think "Oh no, you're perfect just the way you are." Thank you, but I know I have flaws and it honestly makes me think, "What can I change about myself to make myself more appealing?" Then, I think I don't have to change because I'm "perfect" just the way I am and people can take me as I am or not at all.

Honestly, I don't mind waiting for the right/decent guy to come around. I have been waiting and not so patiently might I add :,) But I still get lonely. I'm still human and as a human being I need to feel accepted. I need to feel accepted by someone that's not family or a friend. However, my friend through this into the mix- why do I want to be in a relationship? She brings up a good point.

Why do I want a boyfriend so badly? Why do I truly want a boyfriend? I know it's so I don't feel lonely, but even in a relationship I can feel lonely, I'm not stupid. And in reality, I'm never truly lonely. I always have someone I look forward to seeing and meeting new people, though that's slightly terrifying; I like the rush, reading people and the such. Anyway, she always says that I should just wait. Relationships aren't rushed or forced. They take time to build and trust is a big issue for me so... Yay, more things to think about. Trust will probably be another rant for another time.

So in conclusion, I will wait for the right person. I know my first relationship won't be a long-term relationship (though it would be nice) because... well, dating, from what I understand, is a lot of trial and error. If you think you're too lonely or you want to start dating, but haven't found the right person yet- wait. It's okay to wait and I'm not just telling you, reader, I'm also telling myself. So I'm not being a hypocrite in anyway, at least I'm trying not to be.

Anyway, good night. And stay tuned for the next rant... Though I don't think anyone is reading this so...