Rants and Poems

F-ing Panicking

I haven't written on this in so long; I don't even know if anyone still reads this anymore. Probably not, but whatever. Right now, I just need to write or type or vent because I feel like I'm about to explode.

I've been feeling stuck for awhile now, like I haven't moved forward with my life. People think that life is all about movement- going to school or work, going home, getting chores done, watching new movies, stressing out over life's moments. You know, those types of things. But a lot of people don't talk about when your life becomes a standstill, it becomes routine. It becomes so routine that it feels like you're not moving and it is freaking me out. 

This whole "not moving" thing is freaking me out because my mom is getting on my case about my dad getting on her case about me not finishing college. I have my AA in Liberal Arts. Basically, my general education stuff in America because I don't know how different countries run their university level schools. SO, my AA is not enough in my family because I'm supposed to be moving towards my math major. But guess what?! I don't have money to do that shiz and people keep pressuring me to go to college anyway and be broke as fudge because apparently it's so damn easy to go to college, have a job, and a life. Oh wait, I wouldn't have a life because I would be living and breathing the broke a** college student life.

I got accepted out-of-state at another university already, but I don't have the money for the first semester. And guess what that means, ladies and gentlemen. It means I can't go to college. Sure, the college has a payment plan for the month or whatever, but what the hell happens when I can't pay for the months tuition, or it comes down to my apartment (which I still have to find) or my education? Like where in the hell do I full this magical thing called money out of?!

Is it out of a hat?

Out of my ass?

Do I loan money from my grandmother or the school? Heaven forbid, I have to take out giant loans because my poor ass can't afford college...

Maybe I could just do that. Take out loans. Take out so many loans I'll be buried in them for the rest of my life. I can totally do that, but wait! I actually need some money to back up my promise of paying back those loans and I don't have shit for it.

...

Don't get me wrong, I'm both excited and terrified to leave home. I'm a home-body at heart and this place has been my home for two decades now. So yes, it is a bit scary to leave it all behind and start anew in some random place. I can always come back, I know that, but... will I want to come back too much? Will I just be another statistic, part of the percentage of people that leave home only to return with their tail between their legs with nothing to show for it besides debt?

Huh, that sounds absolutely promising. (Please note my utter sarcasm).

I don't even know why I bother sometimes. Often, I just want someone to swoop in, wrap me up in a hug, and tell me that it's going to be okay because I can do this. I don't think I'm someone to just give up... Okay, maybe I am, but it's not like I want to be. I just like having all my ducks in a row before I jump into something big, A.K.A. moving, going to a different school, and starting a new life.

God, why isn't there someone that can walk me through these damn steps? If there was someone that could help me, give me some kind of guide to looking for an apartment or just trying to figure out where to send my things for moving, that would be great. See, high school was useless because it taught be freaking nothing about life. Life is life and apparently it wants to kick me in the ass.

I guess step one would be to find a place to stay, right? Find a place so my stuff actually knows where to go.

I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep up with this, probably not.

With love,

J

P.S. Thanks for letting me rant and sorry for the swearing.