Perfect

A different kind of perfect

'Come on Rosa, get up!' mum said as she shock me violently 'Mum......' I mumbled as I rubbed my eyes, I was enjoying lying down in bed doing nothing. I stayed where I was, so mum opened my curtains. 'Mum!' I moaned as she smiled at what she had just done. I was not really a morning person, but then again I am not an evening or night person either.

Normally this would be when I got ready for school, but I had today and tomorrow off. My school have got so annoyed, they think I'm faking it, I don't blame them. Mum had to phone and email them 16 times before they got the message.

Mum left my room to make breakfast, but I just lay in bed, I didn't want to get up. But mum insisted that I got up and learnt something today, which is fair because I have lost so much school time. But I just want to stay in bed. My stomach is growling for attention, but I have had enough 'Shut up you stupid stomach! I am not hungry, I need to lose weight, so shut up!' I slap my stomach, probably not the best thing to do.

I finally get out of bed because mum has made breakfast, well she made cereal...... All through breakfast I wasn't listening to what mum said. I just thought about me, my ugly features and how stupid I must look.  Why couldn't I look like that model? Even with make-up I still look ugly. I see an ugly, fat monster staring back at me in the mirror. Laughing and calling me fat. I just want to be normal, is that too much to ask? I get up and I leave the kitchen.

I try on some old clothes, they used to fit me but now they don't. My arm is a pain to get into any top, and it hurts just to move it a bit. I wish I was dead. If mum hadn't come in when she did, I would be. I wish she stayed out with Robert. All my pain and suffering would be over. I put on a pair of boot-legged jeans and a loose grey top. I then sit down at my desk, I try to study. But I can't.

All I can do is draw, draw my pain. I draw a heart, with my scars, cuts and bandages. Like my heart. It has been broken so many times, it has not really healed. And no-one will ever be able to heal it. I feel so broken and vulnerable. At any time someone could easily break me.

'I'm just popping off to work!' mum calls from downstairs, she had just found a good job on the out-skirts of town. 'Ok mum!' I call as I finish off my heart. I hear the door shutting. I was alone. At last. But the silence is quite eerie, the only sounds are the dripping of the bathroom tap and my heart beating against my chest. I decide to put some music on.

'Made a wrong turn, once or twice....

Dug my way out, blood and fire....

Bad decisions, that's all right......

Welcome to my silly life.....

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood, Miss "no way, it's all good"....

It didn't slow me down....

Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated, look I'm still around.....

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel like you're less than, less than perfect, pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing, you are perfect....

To me.

You're so mean, when you talk,

About yourself, you are wrong.....

Change the voices, in your head, make them like you instead.....

So complicated, look how big you'll make it, filled with so much hatred, such a tired game....

It's enough, I've done all I can think of, chased down all my demons, I'll see you do the same....

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel like you're less than, less than perfect, pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing, you are perfect....

To me.

The whole world's scared so I swallow my fear, the only thing I should be drinkin' is an ice cold beer, so cool in lying and we try, try, try, but we try too hard and it's a waste of my time, done lookin' for the critics cuz they're everywhere, they don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair, strange ourselves and we do it all the time, why do we do that? Why do I do that? Why do I do that?..............

YEAH! Oh pretty pretty pleaasseee.............

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel like you're less than, less than perfect, pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing, you are perfect....

To me.

You're perfect, you're perfect! To me.....

Pretty pretty please,  if you ever ever feel like you're nothing, you are perfect....

To me...................(I do not own this song, all rights are P!nk's)' I sung along with P!nk throughout the song, this one of my favourite songs and it summed up my situation perfectly. It felt like this song was written for me. For my life. Then someone starts clapping, I think it is mum, but mum just went out.....

'Hello Rosa, lovely song that is........Pity it will be your last..' I turn around to see Robert just outside my door. 'How did you get in?' I ask nervously, he has such a nerve coming into our house when mum dumped him. 'Well, I hoped you would ask. Well I just opened it with a hammer...' he swung the hammer in his hand as he spoke. '.....Your mother took back my spare key.....So I had to improvise, anyway enough of this chit-chat....I came here to talk to you. You see, in was around, and I saw your mother head off to the police station, she's telling them about me, isn't she?' he edged closer with every word, what was he talking about?

I put my drawing away and I edge away from him. 'Mum is just going out to work, she isn't going to the police station. Anyway, we had a deal, I don't tell, and you leave me alone. So far I've kept my half of the bargain, but you haven't.....' I stared at his face the whole time, no emotion. 'True, but you told your mum before our deal.......She dumped and humiliated me, so you will have to pay...' he smirked as he saw fear on my face 'Please explain more....' I mumbled, I was so confused. 'Ok, your mum believes you about me being a drug dealer, she is now going to the police station. So our deal, has technically been broken, and anyway you are bad for business. You distract me, and you can ruin the business at any time, you need to be disposed of....' oh dear, I don't like the sound of this.