Rebel (SVU Fanfic)

32

Trigger warning towards the end! Don't read after the *** if you want to avoid it!

~•~

She ran until she made it to the end of the street, where her neighborhood let out. Across the road had all the fast food places. But she turned left, running toward where she knew the mall was.

She kept going, until she heard her name. But she was so close to the parking lot of the mall, she didn't slow down all that much.

"Nicole!" It was her mother calling her. That just made her run faster.

She crossed over into the parking lot and slipped in through the JCPenny doors.

She made her way to the food court, ordered a smoothie, and just sat there. She thought about why she was mean to her sister like that. Why she was so tense all the time now. Why she was so scared and sad all the time.

She chalked it up to the fact she was actually depressed. And she hated that about herself. How come being happy was so hard? She used to be really happy. She had the perfect teenaged life.

Suddenly, she saw two security guards walking up to her.

"Are you Nicole Benson?"

She thought for a moment. "No."

"Let us rephrase. Nicole Benson, please come with us."

"No," she repeated.

"Nicki, please," she heard. When she looked up, she saw Olivia, holding her baby bump.

Rolling her eyes, she said, "Ugh, fine!" and walked up to her mother.

"Thank you so much," Olivia told the guards wrapping an arm around her daughter.

"Just doing our jobs," one replied with a smile.

They parted ways, and Nicole was surprised her mother didn't say one word to her. Not one.

Not on the walk to the parking lot.
Not on the drive home.
Not even when they got home.

Nicole watched confusedly as her mother climbed the stairs and closed the door with a small slam.

She stood for a moment longer, staring at the door, then just decided to go to her own bedroom.

She closed the door and locked it, just wanting to be alone. All she ever wanted to do now was be alone.

Lying on her bed, she sat and began to think.

Why can't you just follow the rules? she asked herself. Why can't you be obedient? You'd be so much happier? Why can't you just be happy? It's so easy to be happy! Stop pitying yourself. It's fucking ridiculous.

Hugging her pillow, she felt that same ache in her chest she's been feeling for a while now. A deep ache that just so unbearable, you Jane nothing left to do but cry. And it's so uncontrollable.

She sobbed. She sobbed so hard into her pillow she was hyperventilating but couldn't stop. The road ahead of her seemed endless. No after what she did she couldn't get better. Hiding it didn't help, not in the long run. Going to therapy seemed to make it worse. Being nice was out of the question for her but being mean was not something Nicole did easily. She was a good kid.

But that good kid turned into something...something alien-like. So foreign and out of place.

When she count hug her pillow any tighter she screamed. Her vocal cords scratched across each other until she couldn't keep her mouth open.

At the exact same time, Olivia was crying, lying in the same position as her daughter. Weeping instead of balling and screaming, but still having those same pains in her chest. Why couldn't she get her daughter to behave?

It wasn't long before Elliot had come back home after a wild goose chase with Paige. He let Paige get some ice cream because she was upset about her sister, and she was contently eating her treat at the table.

"Liv?" he called out, but got no response.

"I'll be right back, Paige," he told her, then climbed the stairs.

He went to his bedroom and tried to turn the knob. It wouldn't do anything more than shake a little.

"Liv, honey, it's me. Open the door."

She didn't. Elliot put his ear to the door and could just barely hear her weeps.

He needed this door open. What did Nicole say to her?

He slide his hand along the top of the doorframe and found himself a key to the door. Within seconds, he was in and crouched next to her.

"What happened? What did Nicole say?"

Olivia shook her head, face still in the pillow.

Elliot gently moved it from her grasp and took the woman in his arms. Her nails dig right into his skin. He didn't mind.

"Sh-She didn't say anyth-thing."

"Then what happened?"

"I can't help her. She's only doing this because she can't help it. All I know how to do is help people and I can't help her! What if she never gets better?"

"She's getting the help she needs, Liv. She's gonna be just fine. This is just a rough patch. Don't worry."

He continued stroking his fingers through her brown locks until she calmed down.

Nicole did not calm down, however.

***

Slowly getting up from her bed, she went into the bathroom and took a disposable razor blade from the package it was held in. The razor itself already had a blade in it, so nobody would notice.

Slowing the door behind her, she locked it, sitting on the edge of the bathtub.

She had heard all her life about girls who cut. She never thought she would be one of them.

The blade was cold but her heart was colder. With not a moment's hesitation, she dragged the blade through the layers of her skin.

"Ahh...shit!" she whispered through gritted teeth. But the pain helped - weirdly - a little.

Cut.
Slice.
Cut cut.
Slice.

She heard a knock on the door but didn't care. She stuck the corner of the blade in.

"Nicole! I need to pee!"

She didn't answer, but her whirlwind of thoughts continued. Why couldn't she just...just die? It would be so easy to just...let go.

Punching her lips together, she ripped the blade through her skin. A searing pain, one she had never felt before, ran through her entire arm.

The lights around her began to fade. Just before her light went out, she felt her bones hit the tiled floor.