Abigail's POV
After sitting here for nearly an hour I figured I owed Ry some kind of explanation, and obviously we didn't have the luxury of a chat in a bar or resturant somewhere. The paps would have been all over us as soon as we hit LA. So here we were sitting in the dirt, in a lay by in the middle of nowhere.
"I honestly don't know what I was going to do with it" I sighed as I watched Ryan sit upright "I guess I thought I needed it this morning"
"And what about now?" Ryan's face changed, he looked concerned.
"Not so much" I half smiled "I'm sorry"
"I'm not even sure if this is something you need to be apologizing for" Ryan replied gently, he moved some hair onto my back so it waterfalls down with the rest of it "Can I ask you something?" I nod cautiously "How close were you? I mean how far away from taking it was you?"
"This close" I take out the tightly rolled up one dollar bill out of my jeans front pocket.
"Shit" he ran his hand down his face as he watched me "How did I not know?"
"Years of practice" I try and reassure him but he looks flawed, how could I be so cruel? Making a decision like this effects more than just me...
"I wish I could understand what the attraction is" he frowned, pushing me to explain.
"It's hard to explain, when I first started I was trying to find a way out of the mess I was in" I had talked about every aspect of my life with Ryan, however I had never gone into depth about my drug addiction "My marraige was failing, I wasn't getting cast for anything and then I found out about Nick's infidelity"
Ryan's head flicked round "He cheated more than once?"
"Yeah the first time was just before my addiction started. I felt like such a failure and then one night I went to a party and just thought fuck it why not" I could feel tears stinging my eyes "It started out as a bit of fun, then I got to thethe stage where I needed it. And let's face it because of the position I was in at the time, it wasn't difficult to get my hands on it. At its worst it would cost me over ten thousand dollars a week"
Ryan's eyes widened "In the end it took such a hold over me I didn't even know who I was anymore. I couldn't even spell my own name" the more I think about it the more I realise just how bad things got.
"Then why go back to it?" Ryan asked and I couldn't answer at first...
"Because it never falters, it's always there...It doesn't leave" I reply and he looks into my eyes.
"Baby I will always ways be here" Ryan whispered "I won't leave" he added before leaning forwards and kissing me "Let me be your addiciton" he said gently in between kisses.
I pulled back for a moment just to look at him "You already are" I sighed before opening the packet of white powder and tipping out onto the dirt.
It do felt somewhat comforting having the strength to pour it away like it as nothing, Ryan had given me the strength.
×-×-×
We drove back to my Mom's house after picking up Freya. I never really expected Nick's car to be parked on the driveway "You okay?" Ryan gripped my hand tightly as we walked up the porch steps.
"Yeah, I have bigger things to worry about now" I reply as I open the front door. I'm not going to lie walking into a room with my Mom, Freya, my ex - husband, his new girlfriend and the twins...well let's just say it is a tad awkward.
"I'm so sorry Abi" Nick rushed forwards and hugged me, much to Ryan's disapproval. I felt his reluctance to let go of my hand.
"Thanks" I pulled away quickly, I could see Lauren in the background "I think me and you should talk" Lauren turned to Nick who nodded. I felt Ryan's arm around my waist, he kissed my temple. Lauren agreed and followed me into the kitchen.
"Ryan, Mom isn't going to hit Lauren is she?" For some reason I felt the corners of my mouth lift as Freya spoke.
"I hope not honey" Ryan replied. He was holding Jacob in his arms now.
"Look I'm not here to start an argument, I am here for Nick" Lauren started.
"Yeah I get that" I replied calmly, I didn't want an argument either "I just want to know why? Why did you think it was okay to hit my daughter?" My heart pounded as the thought of her hitting Freya crossed my mind again.
"It's not something I planned, and nothing you say will make me feel worse for lashing out at her. It was an impulsive reaction, she was mocking me"
"She's a kid, they do things for reaction" I look at her and she is trying to find something else to say.
"I know that, but it's been a very difficult time for me and Nick" Lauren's expression changed "I lost a baby last month, I was 13 weeks pregnant"
"Oh Lauren I'm sorry" I'm not sure why, but I felt a sudden urge to hug her "Is that why Freya was mocking you?" the realisation killed me, how could my daughter be so cruel. Lauren nodded and I stepped back "I'll talk to her, Lauren I'm so sorry"
"It's fine, like you said she is just a kid.
I should never have lashed out at her though regardless of my reasons" Lauren frowned "I hope you can still trust me to spend time with her, I don't want this to change anything for Nick, he loves his daughter so much"
"I know" as I looked up I saw Leroy appear in the doorway "Everything okay?" Leroy nodded.
"Yeah, you okay?" Leroy asked.
"Yeah I think we have sorted everything out now, Right Lauren?" I look at Lauren and she nods gratefully.
×-×-×
After my chat with Lauren we decided that Freya would be better off with her Dad for a few days, well at least until the funeral anyway. I had been left in a room on my own, Ryan was in the lounge with my Mom and the twins, I could hear footsteps behind me "Hey baby girl" Leroy sat on the stool beside me "What you thinking?"
"I have no idea" I replied as I continued to stare at my fingers "It feels so strange sitting here without him, I miss his bellowing laughter and his smart ass responses"
"Yeah I know, it seems so quiet" Leroy sighed "It gets easier"
"What?" I look up and Leroy, who is now sat facing me.
"The pain, the emptiness...It will get easier, it never goes away you just learn to live with it better" Leroy cupped my hand in his "The funeral will be the hardest part, then after that you will be able to move forwards. Obviously nothing will be the same, but you will eventually learn to live with the changes"
For some reason what Leroy had just said made alot of sense. And the most comforting thing for me was knowing he was no longer suffering "Thank you" I said in almost a whisper.
I stood up from my stool and headed towards the lounge. I was ready to see my Mom now, I was ready to talk about what happened...
