doing it wrong [completed]

4. Back To Zero

Mom entered my room. She saw me laying under the sheets. Headphones on. I can't even hear what she's saying. It's like she's on mute mode. Good thing i put the bottles under my bed. Hindi niya dapat yon makita. It will only lead her to questions. And more questions. Like what am i doing to myself? I've been locking myself up here in my room since last week.
You know the saying that you will always be what you were? That no matter what you do, no matter how far you go, you will always be what you were before? I guess that 's what happened to me. That's what i am. Well, hindi pa naman talaga ako nagbabago overall. I was in the process , infact in the middle, when i fell to ground zero. Hindi ko alam kung makakabalik pa ako sa school. After what happened a week ago, nawawalan na ako ng gana. Ben freaking Tanner killed me. Hindi naman sa mababaw ako. Na i was just walking like a duck-zombie without my knowledge. Hindi ko alam na ganon yung paglakad ko. Hindi ko naman yun gagawin in purpose e. I never imagined what i look like walking there. Until i saw the video. Man, i look like crazy. Pero bakit kailangang ivideo? At ipost pa sa internet? Now it's gone viral. Nakakahiya. He just spilled me a pail of shame. Nag-umpisa akong pumasok nang walang nakakapansin saakin. Ngayon? Everybody knows me. I would like that, but in the other way. Umiinit ang dugo ko kay Ben Tanner.

Bumukas yung pinto bigla. I saw  shadows. Two Heads. Eh? Sinong pupunta dito ng ganitong oras? It's already 8:30P. I took my Headphones off.

"Dude." Bungad ni Nolan. Great. The Nolan Rosslord. Buhay pa pala ito? Kasama niya si Martina. His friend. Well, one of the good people sa school. Infact approachable siya. I guess the fact na nandito siya she's my friend,too.

"Um. I knocked a couple of times. So. I just. Get in." Dagdag niya pa.

"Yeah i had something on my ears." Sagot ko naman.

"Man, i heard what happened. Are you okay?" Tanong niya saakin.

"Nolan. Did you saw the vid? I look stupid." Sagot ko sakanya.

"No. You look nice." Sabi niya. Wth? Anong nice doon!!

"Pwe. Anong nice doon?"

"I bet that video was the Declan Andrew Potter who has some full confidence." Biglang sabat ni Martina. Wow. Nandito pala siya. I didn't notice.

"Yeah dude. And see? Kahit wala ako kaya mo naman e. You don't need me that much." Dagdag ni Nolan. Drama much?

"G*go tignan mo nga nangyari nung wala ka. Sus." Sagot ko naman.

"I'm sorry. I just needed to be somewhere." Sagot naman niya. I can see martina's face smiling deeply pero hindi niya pinapahalata. What's with her?

"Enough with the bromance. Potter. Pull out those sheets, wear something nice. We are going somewhere." Pagturo ni Martina saakin. Saan ba kami pupunta? In this time of night?

★★★★★★★★★★

It's already 11PM at heto ako nakaupo sa isang sulok ng isang bar kung saan ako dinala ni Martina at Nolan. Where are they? Si Martina ayon she was asked by some stranger to dance with her. So they did. At si Nolan naman? Well, talk about flirting. Ano pang sense na sinama nila ako dito di ko trip. They were like "C'mon declan, dance!" and i was like "ayoko. No thanks." Tapos wala na. Andon na sila. Aba magaling. Diba? Magaling talaga.

"Oh my god. That guy! Siya yung nasa video, diba? That zombie-duck walk with confidence haha" bigla kong narinig na sabi ng isang babae, nang ma-scan ko yung bar nakita ko siya. At ang mga kasama niya. They were staring at me. Oh sht. Yung video daw ba? Letse! Nakakahiya. I'm full of shame. Walk of shame is way better than this. Ano nang gagawin ko? Even these people in this bar is now talking about me.
And so i stood. And ordered a drink. A lot of them. Hanggang sa naramdaman ko na uli yung hilo.  Sakit ng ulo. And somehow it made me feel energetic. And then Martina joined me. She was laughing like a freak.

★★★★★★★★★★

6:07 AM

Man, i feel wasted. Nararamdaman ko yung sakit ng ulo ko pero nakapikit parin ako. Tumagilid ako tapos nakaramdam ako ng warm air. Hininga ba yon? May katabi akong natulog? Nag-isip muna ako bago ko buksan ang mga mata ko. Wala akong katabi. Wala dapat. I can't remember anything. Pagkatapos akong pag-usapan doon sa bar kagabi  wala na akong maalala.

"Oh no." Napasabi ko nang buksan ko ang mga mata ko. WTF?

"Oh My God!" Biglang sigaw ni Martina nang magising siya. Martina at ako? No Way!

Wala talaga akong maalala. All i know is i drink well, i drank. A lot. And that i was with her at that time. Pero hindi ko inexpect waking up with her. She checked her clothes under the sheets if it is still on.

"Thank God. I still have my bras."

Thank god talaga. Akala ko nakagalaw nako ng babae without knowing. Paano nga ba nangyari yon? Sinuri ng mata ko yung buong kwarto nang makita ko si Nolan.

"If you could just saw the look on your faces. Hahaha!" Pagtawa nito. Plano niya to? Suck it bro. But i still feel relived. As in re-lived. It's like i was dead and lived again. But nah. Patay parin pala ako. Namatay ako since i walk through that hallway. Without nolan. I guess tama nga ako. I can't survive Highschool Life without him. With or without him, i could be nobody. But also with him, i can be myself. I can go to school. I have someone to talk to. Now declan why risk that? Tama. Titigil na ako. What i think last time was nonsense. Siguro nga nadala lang ako ng kung anong inggit at galit sa ibang tao. Now, i will try to be positive. I can try to pretend na okay lang saakin to be his duff. Well, if that's the thing i had left to risk just to get on with my life until graduation.

★★★★★★★★★★

On the way home, dumaan ako sa isang shop para bumili ng ilang boteng alak. I grabbed 5 of them tapos nang papunta na ako sa counter may nakita akong babaeng nakatalikod. She looks so familiar.
So i reached out to her.

"Miss?" Sabi ko nang makalapit ako sakanya.

"Declan? Hi." Sagot niya saakin. Right. Siya yung babaeng nakausap ko sa Tullmain. The one who reads We Were Liars and the one who killed her mom. What? That's how she says it.

"How did you know my name?" Tanong ko sakanya.

"Well, nagkita na tayo sa Tullmain diba?"

"I mean yeah. Pero i did not mention my name to you." Sabi ko pa.

"What do you think? Anong mas masarap? Chocolate or vanilla?" Pagturo niya sa flavors ng Ice Cream.

"Seriously how did you get my name? Do you know me?" Tanong ko ulit.

"You'll see someday." Sabi niya and then she left. She left me hanging. Again.

I don't know what's with her. Bakit siya nagpapaka-mysterious? It's not like we'll be seeing each other every single day and i get to ask her who she really is.

Nagkulong ako sa kwarto at uminom. While reading these negative comments about the video. It doesn't feel right, but it helps me. It helps me to buy time.

Okay. It hurts. Pero minsan kailangan mo talagang harapin o kaya alamin yung mga bagay na makakasakit sayo. Yung mga bagay na sinasabi sayo ng ibang tao. It may hurt, but i bet it could help you. To prove to them or to yourself that you are not who they think you were. That you are more than that. That hell, you're special. Everyone's special in their own ways. Then i guess, this is my way. The nerdy way. The not-so-typed way. Loner way. I just hope i'll get through this in no time.