A Beginners Guide To Falling In Love

22

Music
1.Polaroid - Imagine dragons
2.Dust is gone ( night version ) - Mø
3.Worry - The vamps
"It takes time." Chloe says as I try to ignore her by playing muse fairly loudly through my earphones. "Sometimes you just have to move on, because that's all you can do."

I then pause the song and rip my earphones from my ears frustratedly. "I don't want this to be the end, I don't want to move on and I don't want to wait." I say as loud as I can, which means a whisper as my tears seem to be taking all my energy from me.

"You shouldn't of done it then." Chloe replies bitterly.

"You know I didn't do it, James kissed me and then it accidentally went further." I manage to raise my voice from a whisper. "You have to believe me."

"I don't know what to believe when it comes to you, first you being raped, if that even happened, then when I arrived here I was accused of being a bad friend to you, well that's what Brad told me anyway. Now you expect me to believe this!" She exclaims. "If anything you're the bad friend that's forcing me to fight your battles for you!"

"Fuck you, you're being a shit friend by not believing me, remember when I told you about Sean? Oh, wait you probably don't because you were to busy having your own 'problems', so don't say I'm a bad friend." I shout back standing from my bed.

"A shit friend wouldn't throw a huge expensive party for who they thought was their best friend." She raises her voice.

"Get the fuck out of my house, and don't ever bother coming back, or showing your face to me ever again." I say shoving her out of the lounge.

"As if I'd want to see you again." She replies slamming my door in my face and leaving.

I'm so glad I'm home alone right now, I walk over to the window watching Chloe leave. She throws her bag in the car and slams her door shut then angrily starts the car, she glances up at me and I back away from the window awkwardly. She pulls away off the drive quickly, I go up to my room while wiping all the tears that fall down my face. I've lost everyone, Brad, Chloe, James and myself.

I now stare out my bedroom window at our garden, you'd think that Brad would've got a fence put up, but I guess he hasn't told his parents what happened, I don't think they even know we're a thing. Well were a thing. I watch him walk his dog around the field staying on his side, I want to go out there, but I don't know what to say, and I don't think he does either. Life is so cruel.

But it doesn't have to be.

I hate that small voice in my head, but this is the first time it's said something for days. I look over at my calendar. It's already been 5 days since the party or 'tragic event' as I like to call it.

Before I can stop myself I'm twisting the handle on the backdoor that takes me out to the garden where Brad is walking his dog, luckily he's quite far out in the fields so he won't be able to see me until he walks back, this gives me some time to find an excuse to be out here. I'm walking, that's my excuse, I'm trying to get healthy. Yeah right, as if that would ever happen. I'm so shit at coming up with good excuses when I need them most, but this is my fucking garden and I shouldn't need a fucking excuse to be in it.

I walk up the garden to the top where I know Brad is and as soon as I see his figure in the distance I freeze. I notice that he's walking back down, so I decide to sit on the grass and wait for him.

I have a plan, and that is to sit and wait until he gets closer, then I will try and start a casual conversation with him. Maybe his dog will come over to me again, he is off leash, and last time his dog was off his leash he ran over to me. I mentally beg for his dog to run over to me, but it doesn't. As he nears his dog stays by his side and I catch him glance over a few times and eventually I catch him staring at me, but that's when he's walked past and is getting closer to the door.

"Brad." His name falls out of my mouth, and he is as shocked as me.

"Yeah," he half sighs and walks towards me, but keeps his distance.

I slowly get up from the ground and try to think of something to say.
Just apologise you dipshit.

"I'm sorry," I say, he then opens his mouth to speak, but I find myself saying more. "It wasn't my fault though, and it wasn't me I was fairly drunk and you know that I was so confused and mentally fucked that night because of Sean."

"I know you are, but I just don't really want to chance it. I mean at the moment a lot of things seem to be happening to you and I can't help you. I feel as if I'm making things worse," he says coldly.

"Please don't." I reply weakly, tears pooling in my eyes.

"I already did." He says.

"But you can't, at least think of me, it's obvious that I want to be with you and that I'm faithful to you-"

"If you were faithful would you have almost slept with your boyfriends best mate?" He retaliates.

"When were you my boyfriend? You never even asked or made it official!" I exclaim as I try to blink back the tears threatening to spill from my eyes.

"I didn't think I needed to. I hadn't realised that you needed to be labelled as my 'girlfriend' so you wouldn't feel the need to cheat on me!" He raises his voice.

"I never felt the need to, he was the one that kissed me!" I shout and walk away from him angrily.

I hoped that he'd shout after me or chase me, but he didn't. He watched me walk back inside and slam the door before walking back into his house himself. I wanted him to forgive me and move on so bad that it hurt, but this pain wasn't like that small ache that annoyed you and maybe made you want to cry. This pain was like being repeatedly stabbed all over my body until there was nowhere else left to stab, I felt like a voodoo doll.

Sitting back up in room staring back outside made nothing better, but at least it couldn't make anything worse. I had reached the point of where I had worked out how the next few days would end up. Me alone at home sitting around feeling numb for an hour then crying for twenty minutes, then back to feeling numb again. There was nothing I could do, I'd already tried to talk him, I couldn't get Chloe to talk to him and James probably wouldn't talk to him as Brad hates him as much as he hates me.