You were mine once

Dangling toes Chapter 20

The reason I'm so distance towards you is because the last guy i spilled my inside all over him. Im worried it will happen again and even if i never show that i don't want to lose you, i would break if anything happened to us.  You don't even know about my little sister. You don't know about what happened after you left the after party. Leaving me with my intoxicated thoughts and actions. Its those sides that I'm afraid to show you. I don't want to lose you cause my world right now is based around you. What am i supposed to do without you? Its scary. You understand me better than anyone else. Ever. Its a very comfortable feeling but also an uneasy feeling knowing you know how i feel. You understand how my mind works and when i see that, it pushed me away. Why? Im scared. So scared. Terrified that heartbreak is going to hurt worse than before. You are so stable and im always on the verge of falling off the top of the cliff. My toes always hanging off the edge. I bend to take a peek at the bottom where i know it could all end. But its the idea that 'it could all be over' that draws me to shift my weight over the cliff. But you make sure i never fall. Even when my whole body almost completely lets go, you pull me back with everything good rather than manipulating me because you understand. You understand how my mind functions. But im afraid that one day I will fall. You wont be watching me. Just for a second you arent watching. And you will break. And i will break. And we will both be broken. And while I turn to dust, you turn to alcohol and the days you promised me you would never turn to because thats the only way to forget the horrible death of Julia Love. And wether you pushed me off the cliff or i threw myself off, nothing could ever be the same. I would be losing my boyfriend and my bestfriend. Im afraid. Its the end im looking at and thats what drawing me to the edge even though we are still hiking up the big rock. I love you but im unlovable cause heart break is enviable.