Left Behind | JiHan

What's going on? (15A)

Before I go on I just want to write something down before I forget. On this day I found out something really important. Did you know, that seeing you around is almost as painful as not seeing you at all? I bet you didn't know that's how I had felt Jeonghan.

Anyways, let's continue, shall we?

I had managed to lie to myself pretty damn well. I deserve a cookie for it and everything. I told myself Jeonghan was faithful. The same guy, who never formally asked me out. I was never his boyfriend. He never asked.

It is most likely the reason why we never formally broke up either. I was just dismissed. Ignored, even.

To be fucking honest, it was not really the fact Jeonghan left me that hurt. I mean, most first loves don't last. It was how it ended. It made me feel like I was worth so little. I give you almost my whole school year. Eight months out of the ten, for you to end things like that with me? I wonder what I did so wrong that drove you to do such things.

But let me explain how things went down, shall I?

I was in school of course. At the moment I was hanging out with Soonyoung. We were catching up, and I even hanged out with his little brother, Chan. I had received a text from Jeonghan, he told me to go to the school's soccer field and meet him up behind the bleachers. I bid farewell to the other two males and tried to meet up with you as fast as I could.

When I got there, I felt this feeling at the pit of my stomach. I felt horrible and it scared me. I thought I was just psyching myself out. I honestly lied to myself and said everything was going to be alright. It wasn't.

I walked towards the bleachers faster, but I heard kissing noises from under. No! This wasn't happening! It was just a prank text! I sounded so pathetic, right? Well yeah, that's how I felt. Those were the thoughts crossing my head.

But when I went under the bleachers, Seungcheol had you pinned up to a medal, leaving -I think it was- hickeys on your neck. Moans were leaving your lips and I wanted to scream.

I couldn't help crying. Tears just left my eyes as did the hiccups. "What's going on?" Did I really have to ask? I could easily tell, I just didn't want to admit it to myself. The two of you stopped. Seungcheol looked so flustered so he ran out, shoving into me by accident. "Do you really want me to answer that?" You asked, a smirk playing on your lips.

Yeah, I really should have thought that question through.

Oh wait, I did.

"Why? Was I not good enough? Where did I go wrong? You've probably been doing this since the rumors started!" I was angry, confused, and I flat out pitied myself. But more than anything; I thought my world was over.

"Joshua," I flinched, you never called me Joshua. NEVER. "Let's make this quick. I think I lost a blowjob thanks to you," you hadn't lost that smirk either. "Fuck you!" I fell on my knees, bawling my eyes out. You didn't deserve me! But maybe -just maybe- I didn't deserve you, Jeonghan.

At least that's what I thought.

"Oh stop crying and go suck off Hansol or something." Those were your last words as you walked away, calling Seungcheol's name.

All's fair in love and war, right? Wrong!

I didn't go to school for a week. When I finally did show up I passed by you everyday. Every single fucking day and not once did we talk this through. Not once did we converse about all of this. 

Up to this date I think it would've helped the outcome. I had spent a while being gloomy that even my friends didn't like being around me. Well, most of them anyway. Jeonghan you didn't have to end things that way! Did I mean that little? It wasn't even formal!

It's whatever now. Lately, I've been having someone else in mind.

Hansol, I'm looking right at you.

Across from me right now, is a girl lying to Hansol and saying I'm busy. The frown on your face deepens. It makes my frown deepen too.

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Edited August 12th, 2016