Cross My Heart

Chapter 44

GWEN'S POV:

I looked at Gavin, who looked even sadder now, head down in sorrow.

"Gavin? GAVIN????? Is that true?" I burst out into strong, heaving sobs instantaneously. "GAVIN???? Tell me he's kidding! Please tell me he's lying! He's joking, Gavin! He's.....NO! It's a joke, right??"

My mind was scattered everywhere. Most of my mind was busy looking for any sign of a joke in the words that Nate told me. The rest was.......LOSING IT, knowing Nate wouldn't joke about that.

"Gwen, I didn't want to tell you. I just wanted us to be natural one more time. Now you're gonna cry the rest of my time with you....now I won't get to see you smile one last time. I just want to be with you for my last moments. And I don't know what to say! I don't know what to do, Gwen. How do you say goodbye to someone like this? What's there to say? All I can think of is that I love you! It's all I can get out. But I love you doesn't cover it. It doesn't say all that I need to say. Gwen, baby......I'm so sorry! I don't want to leave you. I don't want you to suffer! I don't want you to grieve for me long. I want you to remember me forever, of course. I want you to hold the love you feel for me at this very second, and keep it in your heart forever. But I want you to go on. I want you to love again. I want you to be HAPPY, Gwen. You need to be happy. You deserve to be happy...."

My mind was reeling. I was dizzy, but I couldn't take my eyes off of Gavin. These were my last moments with him? For real? This was it?

I heard what he was telling me. He needed to say everything he needed to say. And I listened hard. But it was so difficult to concentrate on his words, because I was FREAKING OUT inside.
When he stopped talking for a split second, I found my voice, but nothing was making sense.

"No! No no no!! Nononononononononononononooo!!! Please no! Gavin!" I had to say something better than this. But I didn't want to, because that would be sad. That would mean I was accepting his fate. Our fate. Our being separated for the rest of.....MY life.
Which I knew in this instant, wouldn't be long. I wouldn't suffer long.

I couldn't suffer long.

Not like this.

Not without Gavin.

I would NOT be without him. The first chance I got, I'd join him...wherever he was in this Universe.

Flashes of Gavin started going through my mind. The first time I looked into his eyes, and saw his kindness shining through. The first time he walked into the room as a fake client. Him holding me. His beautiful voice as he hummed to me so many times. I could hear the song he hummed the most, as the rest of my memories flashed through my head......the cliff, laying with him, him losing control. The shower that day when I broke down. The hospital. Filled with flowers. The beach. How striking his hair was as it glowed in the bright sun. How he stood out from everyone else there. As if he was a God.
Looking at the stars, as we did on many nights. The zoo. The planetarium. Making love every morning. Catching him peeking at me with a content, proud smile on his face when I'd look away from my school lessons. Watching movies on the couch. Watching him play his guitar, putting together lyrics and chords. Cuddling. Loving. Everything. So much. It was all dancing around in my head.

"I can't live with out you Gavin. I won't. I'm coming with you. You have to wait for me. Promise me you'll wait for me. Don't go to the afterlife without me. Force your soul to wait here for me, please? Promise me! Unless there's darkness and nothingness.....but if there's anything, anything at all Gavin, WAIT FOR ME. I'll be right there. Right behind you. I promise!"

"NO! No Gwen. Don't say that. Did you hear me? You HAVE to go on. I want you to find love again. I want you to have kids. And grow old! You have to promise ME that, Gwen! YOU promise!
If I can, I'll wait for you all that time. And when at last your moment comes, many many years from now, I'll still be here waiting for you. I promise, if it can be done, that's what I'll do. I'll spend all your years left on Earth, in purgatory, to wait for you. I promise you. But YOU have to promise ME, that you'll spend all your years left, here....ALIVE."