Cross My Heart

Chapter 63

NATE'S POV:

I thought about leaving. I thought about saying I was tired and needed to go to bed. I thought about running off the deck and into the woods.
But I sat there, frozen. Not knowing what to say.

"Gavin knows of my feelings. He always has. He knew before I even realized them", I told Gavin's mum, if that was what she was getting at. She loved me like a son, but she'd probably turn into mama bear on me if I was to come between her own son's relationship.

"I know he does. I'm just curious if things got out of hand. It's hard to have a love triangle. They never work out", she told me.

"You know he knows?"

"Yes. He told me before. He could tell that I knew. He told me he tried to leave Gwen for you to inherit when he thought he was going to die. He's a really special boy, my Gavin. Most people wouldn't want to think about their significant other going on and having love without them, yet he tried to will her to you, knowing both of you would be happy in time. He loves you both very much", she gloated about her son.

"He does. I know he does. There's nothing I wouldn't do for him in a heartbeat. And he'd do the same for me. Gwen too. I guess it is a big love triangle there, isn't it?" I chuckled, even though I hated that term, and hated that I was in one.

"I am here because of...that, actually. I mean, what I told you earlier is true too....it's just deeper than roommate stuff", I admitted.

"I thought so. I could tell from your demeanor, too, a little. You have that "discouraged about a girl" thing going on", she laughed a little, and I laughed and rolled my eyes.

"Yeah...I guess I do."

"Gavin has been SO patient with me about it. He really has. And patient with Gwen too. She loves me back, you know."

"I know. I could see that too."

Jesus lady! What are you, psychic? Well, she's definitely where Gavin gets it from! Seeing things about people. Knowing I loved Gwen before I even knew! Knowing Gwen loves me, before she realized it also, I thought to myself.

"He just...I.....I have been trying to...get over my feelings for her during the past few weeks. And I've tried everything all year long. Believe me. But nothing works. So I tried...avoiding her. Even acting a little rude and standoffish to her. But all the while, I knew...I could tell, that I was hurting her. A lot.
But I still tried it. I tried bringing other girls home, even. I tried drinking her away. Nothing was working. The only thing my plan was doing, was hurting Gwen.
And of course, she'd complain straight to Gavin about it. I think he got tired of hearing it. Tired of being in the middle. There should BE no middle, right? You can't have a middle with TWO people. I shouldn't come along and make a middle. So that's why I tried to get over her. Anyway, she'd had enough of my rudeness, and finally snapped at me. She was hurt. Really hurt, and just wanted to get her friend Nate back. And I said something....really terrible to her, out of anger. I stopped myself at the end of the sentence, but she completed it in her head, and she want ballistic", I explained to Gavin's mum and she listened intently.

"Do you mind me asking...what did you say?" she asked, curiously.

"She tried being mean to me like I was to her, so she called the girls I brought over 'sluts'. So I.....I said back.....I........I'm sorry......I can't....." I broke down as I spoke, and I couldn't make myself say those awful words out loud again. It made me picture the hurt I'd seen in her eyes. Her hiding in the closet, hating herself, thinking her entire life and everyone in it was fake.....
I cried on the swing, next to Gavin's mum, and she slid over closer to me and put her arm around me and pulled me to her chest. I leaned on her and she held my hand with her free arm, and let me cry on her shoulder. I thought I'd gotten it all out earlier, on the floor. But apparently not.
I cried for a good while, and she sat patiently through it all. I needed this. I needed a mother's shoulder to cry on sometimes. As shitty as I felt, this felt...good at the same time.