Cross My Heart

Chapter 20

Trying for another one or two chapters out tonight...
I just wanna get to the goods.

I made a Tumblr for my account today, and I have a Twitter for it too. Just sayin'. Trying sooo hard to get readers!
#desperation
Ok....read on....

GAVIN'S POV:

Fuck fuck FUCK. I had almost kissed her yesterday, but today, my subconscious couldn't take it anymore, and I lost control. I kissed her. And I shouldn't have. Fuck!
I was stressed. I was missing her all last night. Worried that she'd slept good. I was picturing her in her little pajama shorts and cami. I was mostly doing that, actually. At one point, doing that whilst doing something else when I couldn't sleep.....heh hemmm.....I digress....

Then today she looked absolutely beautiful. She had her hair done, and make up on, and I was stunned when I saw her across the kitchen. She was laughing and smiling and having a good morning with the girls, and that made her even more beautiful.
And then she brought up that night we had sex, and even though I'd rather we hadn't done that, we DID do it, and it was absofuckinglutely fabulous....and since I'm a man, I kept getting images of it, while we talked about it, and then her lips were right fucking there in front of me when we went to clean the bathrooms and I snapped. I lost it.
I just kissed her. I couldn't help myself. I didn't even TRY to help myself. I just did it. And her kissing me back immediately...yeah, that worked for me, too.

But then I started thinking about what I was doing, and what it meant, and where I was going with this, and why would I do this, unless I was intending to go somewhere with it, and I got scared.
Scared that I was doing the wrong thing. She was JUST out of a fucking life of hell. Being forced to be a prostitute, no less. And I'm kissing her? Way to confuse the shit out of her. She doesn't need these complications right now. She needs to be herself. She needs to FIND herself. Learn who she really is. She can't be bothered with me clinging to her side.
I apologized to her, and suddenly she was ready to puke in the toilet. What the....hell?

I was tortured. She wouldn't tell me why she was nauseous. I know she just likes me as a friend, which is why I promised her a million times I'd never let this happen again. It's why I apologized profusely and begged her not to be mad at me for it. But her getting sick like that.....I felt like a fucking leper! I felt ugly and fat and gross and disgusting, and that my touching her made her sick.

And then she tried to tell me why she felt sick. Because I hurt her with my words? I didn't understand. I didn't. I told her what she'd want to hear. I promised her I wouldn't do it again. What was so terrible about what I'd said? I just wasn't understanding at all. I was feeling so rejected, and mad at myself, that I could barely think.

And then....SHE kissed ME!?

What the actual fuck.......?
I thought I'd just apologized to her.....does that mean she LIKED my kissing her? Is that what she meant when she said my words hurt her?
I decided not to think about words. She was kissing ME. SHEEE initiated it, so I was going to roll with it. A little bit, anyway. I couldn't take anything too far. That wouldn't help her heal. But just some innocent kisses between friends.....they were innocent, right?

I didn't even know.
They didn't feel very innocent.
Her lips were devouring mine. Small, random groans left her lips here and there. Deeper ones left mine, and I didn't even know they were coming until I heard them.
I was holding her face still in my palms, so I could press as hard as I could. I couldn't get my lips pressed close enough on hers. If we weren't one giant fucking LIP, I wasn't close enough to her.