Working Love

8

"James I'm going nuts here!" After two days of being here, I finally swallowed my pride and called James. He said that he knew I would need him, but I told him I didn't.

"So what's the problem now?" We were face chatting, and I saw him wearing his glasses. He must be studying while talking to me.

"Two days. For two days I have been seeing beautiful half naked women, but I am not attracted to any of them. Normally I would have already slept with about four or eight of them. Yet I can't even think of sleeping with them."

"You know what your problem is?" He took his glasses off to look at me. His hazel eyes on clear display. "You're not attracted to those women because there is someone who already caught your eye."

"Ethan." I remember now. The first day we arrived, Val wanted to see the beaches. We all got out our swim suits and went to the beach. While normally I would be drooling at the sight of Val in a two piece, my eyes were focused on Ethan. His smooth chest, slight six pack, fair skin. "What the hell is in my pants?!" I could hear James laughing in the background, but my attention was focused on the invasion in my pants. How is this happening?!

"Holy shit man you got it bad. Just tell him you like him, I'm pretty sure he feels the same."

"No!" I focused my thoughts on something else to make my erection go down. It made me sad to know thinking of other women made it go down. What is he doing to me? "I told you, I won't do it. I am too dirty for someone like Ethan, I won't taint him."

"Carter." I could see the pity in his eyes. "Carter he won't hate you. Your face is on tabloids all the time, he is bound to know the truth. If your past bothered him he would have told you."

"I don't care." I sat down on the balcony my hotel room had. I watched the people down below, showing James the view through the camera. "I can't be into guys."

"For fucks sakes, carter look at me!" I turned the camera so I was facing him. "You know why you always come home and scrub yourself raw? It's because their touches bother you. You never once told me of one of those women's touches making you feel like that. You know the reason you sleep around? You want a loving touch, but you never found it in any of them. Ethan gives you that warmth and you're pushing him away!" I thought about what he said. It's true. The only woman who ever came close to giving me that touch was Katherina, that's why I would always go back to her. But even with her I would scrub my skin raw after. I wonder, would I do the same with Ethan?

"James, I feel so lost."

"Why?" I ran my hand in front of my face and looked at him. "Why is knowing you might have feelings for a man so hard? Why is it wrong?"

"Because!" I sat back down on the chair. "All my life I have know who I was, what I liked. I had my life figured out, and nothing was able to change that. All of a sudden this guy shows up, and it's like I don't know who I am anymore. He makes my body feel a way, that no woman has ever been able to make me feel. Just his eyes alone are able to bring me to my knees at times." I covered my eyes with my hands, but I could feel the tears sliding down my cheeks. "I would give him the world if he asked me to. James, who the hell am I anymore?"

"Look at me." I never cry. The only time was when my mother died. So I could understand the shocked look on his face. Normally I would punch the shit out of anyone who saw me like this, but not James. He has seen me at my best, and at my worse. "You are Carter Jonathan McClain. You are a world-renowned womanizer, who just feel in love with a man." I laughed, but I could still feel tears in my eyes.

"And you're okay with having a gay best friend?" He laughed, but I could tell he wasn't doing it to be a dick.

"Please. I'd much rather you be gay, than a womanizer." We both laughed at that. But the truth is, I don't think I'm really gay. I think Ethan is just the only man that I can say I'm attracted to. "Now get back to your vacation. I'm sure Ethan is wondering why you've been acting so weird."

"Okay. I'll call you if I have another mental breakdown."

******************

After my talk with James I decided to use this vacation as an experiment. It's like I told him, I don't know myself anymore. I wanna use this as a chance to learn something about myself. I wanna I know if it is truly possible, for me to have feelings for a man.

"Carter." I ran into my father on the way out of my room.

"Hey old man, what's up?" I saw him shake his head. I couldn't help but laugh, because he hates when I talk to him like that.

"Honestly, you will never learn. Anyway, I came to inform you. Me, Alastor and his wife will be heading to the casinos tonight. Some fellow business men are here, and we will be discussing some of the plans for the company. I want you to spend time with Ethan." I won't lie, I was nerves about that. I don't know what will happen if me and Ethan are alone again.

"Yeah, I guess that's fine. Why can't we just go with you guys? We're both over twenty-one." He placed a hand on my shoulder, something he hasn't done since I was a kid.

"Carter please. I know you don't want to do this wedding, and especially marry a man. I just ask that you please, at the very least, get to know Ethan more. The plans for the wedding have already begun, just please don't back out now." What the hell am I suppose to say to that? I have never seen my father look like this. I would have thought he would be the man to find this kind of idea repulsive. Yet here he is, sending his only son to marry a man.

"Fine, I'll get to know him better." He smiled, he actually smiled. I haven't seen him smile at me in a long time.

"Thank you son." I watched my father's retreating figure. This vacation was proving to be filled with even more surprises.