Working Love

25

James

I don't know if this is a dream, or a beautiful nightmare. Carter, the man I have secretly loved for years, wants to kiss me. If this was a few months ago I would have jumped at the chance without even giving it a second thought. But I couldn't just do that, especially not now.

"You wanna try it again?" Lord knows I wanted to scream yes until it hurt. To simply wrap my arms around his neck, and closed the gap between us. But like with every dream, I had to wake up.

"No." I slowly sat up, and pushed him away from me. "You're married remember? Besides, you said it yourself that day. My kisses don't affect you like Ethan's do." I closed my eyes, and waited for him to snap out of it. To laugh and say it was a joke, call me out on being gay, something. Anything to help me confirm that this was for the best.

"James." I opened my eyes, and saw so much sadness in his eyes. It broke my heart all over again to think I caused this. I placed my hand on his cheek, and was surprised he leaned into my touch. He closed his eyes and took my hand, placing a small kiss on the palm of it. That alone set my body on fire. 

It was quiet. The sound of the wood crackling in the fire was the only thing that could be heard. The room was beginning to feel warmer, and I knew that it wasn't just because of the fire. I watched this beautiful, broken man in front of me. You normally can't tell with him, but Carter is broken. Yet in my eyes, he is always strong. 

"I realized something." I watched him as he interlaced our hands. "I love Ethan, that much is true. But unlike Ethan, I am not pure. I have fallen so far, there is no saving me." There was almost no emotion in his eyes, and that scared me. Because I know that deep down, Carter isn't speaking to me, but voicing out loud the way he sees himself. Almost like he is speaking to himself.

"You're wrong." I sat up straight and put some distance between us with my hand. I stood up and faced the flames in the chimney, I  watched the burning fire while my back was to him. "Ethan has saved you in a way no one else ever could. I've been your best friend for years, but even I could only do so much. Don't let him get away." My heart ached with each painful word. I wanted to cry at the coward that I am. Never being open about my feelings, and angry because I lost him. I like Ethan, he's an amazing guy. But part of me will always hold hatred for him. For taking Carter from me, and for hurting him in this way.

I felt him touch my back, and I looked over my shoulder. I had to look up to stare into his eyes. How long has he been taller than me? And why have I never noticed? I guess I just never bothered to notice, because I always trying my best to look away. To not fall into temptation and allow myself to be drawn in. I tried to do the same now, but it was no use. He wrapped his arms around me, and bet down to placed his head on my shoulder. I know my heart was beating a freaking mile a minute. I pray he doesn't feel it.

"You're heart is beating like crazy." Damn it all! "Look at me." His voice was so deep and rich, it was like he could put you in a trance with his voice alone. The tones felt like silk enveloping my ears, and finding a way to wrap me in its' hold. I turned completely around and faced him. He once again interlaced our hands together. I love the way his hands feel, but I shouldn't be letting him do this. He's my best friend and married, we can't cross that line. "James, I'm sorry."

"For what?" I looked into his blue eyes. I could drown in those eyes.

"I said that without Ethan, or my mother, I am alone. That's a lie. You have always been by my side. You never once left me in the dark alone. If I got into a fight, you would back me up. If I wanted to get a girl, you were my wing man. Even when I cried about wanting Ethan, you never judged. You told me to man up and get him. I don't want to lose Ethan, ever. But I don't want to lose you either." Oh god, does he know?

I looked into his eyes, and sure enough, the answer was right there. He knows. This beautiful, drunk off his ass idiot knows. He knows that I love him. I felt the tears threatening to come out. Shit, I don't want to cry, but I can't pretend to be strong anymore. My body betrays me, and a stray tear falls from my eye, before many more follow its' lead.

"James." He cups my face between his strong hands, and  he kisses each one of my tears away. I stared at him in shock. He had a small smile on his face. Not a cocky one, or a smug one. A gentle smile to let me know, that even though he can't return my feelings fully, there is something there for me. I can't take it anymore.

"Carter." I may go to hell for this. I may never be able to look Ethan in the eyes again, but I am also a weak man who is sick and tired of pretending to be stronger than he really is. I am willing to play the villain. If only for tonight. "Just once, just this once. Can I play the fallen one?" He wrapped his arms around me, and held me close. I don't care if this is only the alcohol in his system. Or just a one night drunken mistake for him. I want to be able to at least say I had him, even if no one will ever know. I will know, and I am willing to face the punishment that comes after.

"You will never be the fallen one, even if only for a night." He pulled back, and held my cheek with his hand. His other hand still holding my waist. The low light from the fire the only thing allowing me to see him. "I will let you express yourself, without worrying about being selfish. I've been selfish our whole lives. So don't hold back."

That was all it took. My sanity was snapped, and I held nothing back. I pulled him down to me, and captured his lips. He tasted like Jack Daniel's, but I didn't care. I wanted entrance, and he allowed me it.

Before we knew it, we were both naked. He was on top of me, the heat from the fire keeping us warm. He pulled back and looked into my eyes. I have never felt more self-conscious about myself. Carter has a way of making anyone melt with his eyes. I guess I'm no exception. He kissed my neck, and worked his way down. He kissed the tip of my erection, and that alone almost undid me. I looked at him, and he had such a gentle look in his eyes. How could he ever think he was dirty?

Dirty.  That seemed to snap me out of my trance. "Wait!" I quickly sat up and place a shaky hand to his chest. He seemed shocked, but didn't push me. "We can't do this. As much as I want to, and boy do I want to. We can't."

"Why not?" Man! That cute confused look he has makes this really fucking hard.

"Look!" I showed him his ring hand, and he simply stared at it. "You're not mine Carter. I lost that chance many months ago. You are not dirty, you never were. But if I allow you to do this, then we're both dirty. You almost lost Ethan because of one mistake. Don't let this be another."

He seemed to think about what I said, and let out a sigh. He looked at me, and nodded. I sat back down, and let a sigh of my own out. He's gonna be the death of me. 

"So what now?"

"Now." I got up and found my clothes and started getting dressed. I gathered his and handed them to him. Once we were both dressed, I looked back at him. "Now I go home. And you." I poked his chest. "Go find your husband, and fight for him. Don't let yourself fall even further. Be the man worthy to stand by his side." He pulled me into a bone crushing hug. It took all my left over strength not to cry. I patted his back, and he let me go.

"I owe you one James. Just remember, you will always be important to me." I watched as he ran out the door, and heard it shut. I sat down on his couch and let out a shaky breath that I was holding, and pulled out my phone. I dialed the only person aside from Carter that I will cry to.

"...Hello?"

"Jenny." My voice broke, I couldn't hold it in much longer. "Sis, you w-wanna talk?" Only she will know what I mean.

"Oh Jamie, you finally opened your heart. I'm sorry big brother. Let me get dressed. I'll meet you in a few." With that she clicked, and the tears came rushing out. Who knew doing the right thing, would always hurt this bad.