As Told By Tuck & Axel

The Theater House

Chapter: The Theater House

Author: Axel Otto

I've been known to do some pretty stupid things. I've broken windows with soccer balls, I've drunk called teachers (who were not very impressed), and I've even accidentally hit on my ex-girlfriend's mom. To be fair, she was a young mom.

High up on that list was what I did my first night of sophomore year. I was piss drunk at a party, I was extremely horny, and none of the drunken sorority bitches were doing it for me. I needed a guy, but where oh where could I find one? None of my friends were gay. I didn't even know any openly gay people. So, when I told Tuck this dilemma, he drunkenly suggested I go to the theater house. The theater house: infamous for its Penn State resident hipsters, playwrights, and aspiring Broadway actors and actresses. I was bound to find someone who was gay there. So, I left the frat party and headed for the grouping of student homes where the theater kids lived. This was my first mistake that night.

When I stumbled in through the door of the home, I was placed directly in a living room of sorts. A couple was snuggling on a very comfortable looking couch with a bowl of popcorn and their eyes on some movie. I stood there awkwardly as the man on the couch gave me a quizzical look.

"Hey, you good dude?"
I opened my mouth to say something like "why, you're a nice looking fellow," but I ended up vomiting all over my Sperry's.

The boy got me to a bathroom and the girl cleaned up my vomit. I kept apologizing, but they seemed genuinely unaffected by the travesty that I thought had occurred.

"Hey, it happens to everyone," the boy said. "Just crash on the couch so you don't wake anyone else up."

I did as he said, snuggling up into a blanket that the girl had given me with a warm smile that I couldn't help but be perplexed about. I broke into her home, vommed on her floor, and was interrupting date night, but she could still smile at me and clean up my bodily fluids. It all seemed a bit surreal. At one point, I remembering thinking that this was probably a dream.

So when I woke up the next morning, instantly graced with the face of a stranger with squinted eyes and a nice amount of scruff, you could see why I was so startled.

"AHHH, WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE!"
I tried to jump away from the close proximity of his face, but I was lying down, and on a couch, so I went nowhere. Strange dude cracked a grin.

"Relax. I hear you're Axel. I'm Noah. Let's get you home."

As of then, I still had not recollected the events of the night before. Noah devised this from the probably perplexed look on my face.

"You're at the Hilton House," he explained. The formal name for the theater house allowed the things I remembered from last night to come flowing back to me.

"Oh," I said, slumping down in the couch, relaxing a bit. "Those people who helped me last night... Where are they?" I wanted to at least thank them. I had eaten meatloaf for dinner that night, and that poor girl had to clean up it's semi-digested remains.

"That was Colin and Ruby. They're good kids. I think they are probably still asleep. I'll grab you a shirt, and then we can get you home." Confused, I looked down. I was shirtless. A memory of Ruby pulling a barf covered shirt off my torso surfaced. I grimaced.

After Noah brought me one of Colin's shirts, (Noah was one of those slim, narrow shouldered types) he offered to help me get back to my dorm. I tried to decline, but he gave me this condescending look that I didn't have the energy to argue against. So I let him take me back to my dorm.

We ran into a shirtless Tuck right as we entered the building.

"Babe!" Tuck cried out, seemingly excited to see me. "Where the FUCK have you been? Where the fuck have I been? What even happened last night?"

I laughed, then gave him a bro hug. "I guess I took a trip to the theater house last night? Where's your shirt?"

Tuck's eyes lit up and he laughed right as Noah began saying, "Hey, theater is a generalization I'm an art student."

Tuck opened up the door to our room. For some reason, Noah followed. Tuck was still laughing. "I know exactly why you were there," he paused to laugh again. I shoved him. "Last night, you pulled me aside and whispered something so gay in my ear, oh my God, Axel you were piss drunk!"

He broke off into another laughing fit and I began to grow frustrated. The distasteful look on Noah's face told me he didn't like Tucker's use of the word gay.

"What, Tuck!"

"You... You said to me, 'Tuck, I'm so horny!' And I was all 'Ax, you've been fending off girls all night. Go grab one and bring her upstairs.' And then you gave me this look and started shifting your eyes and looking like you were being hunted or some shit, and then you leaned into my ear and said 'I'm horny....but for dick.' And then you left for the theater house."

Tuck was still laughing, but I was not. I was getting very red in the face. Noah was smirking at me.

"Hey, it's not my fault that I don't know one gay dude in this whole place! All I can ever find are straight, willing girls, so that's what I take! Sue me if once in a while I just want to satisfy the bi-sexual part of me!"

Tuck kept laughing. "I know, I know," he ruffled my hair. "I'm teasing. I knew you had been missing your daily male sex with Kyle, so I suggested you go find out where the gay kids hide."

"Hey, we don't hide!" Noah chimed in. "And not all of us are in the theater department!"

Tuck looked at me. "Forgot to ask, who even is this kid?"

I laughed. "That's Noah. I woke up on his couch covered in my own vomit. He made sure I got home okay."

Tuck nodded. "So I guess you finally got your anal sex," he began pulling off his pants, getting ready for a shower. I figured I should probably do the same.

"No," I said sharply. "No I did not. If you didn't catch the part where I said I was covered in my own vomit, I was too inebriated to do much of anything last night, let alone find a good fuck."

"You could have asked me." Tuck and I both turned back to the forgotten third party. He was looking right at me.

"Asked you?" I was confused.

He nodded. "I like good fucks."

I smirked. "As do I."

Noah stuck out his hand. "It's settled. I'll come back later."

I laughed, finding this whole thing a bit absurd. I took his hand anyway. "I'll be here." Noah gave Tuck a once over, and then left.

Once he did, Tuck looked at me with raised eyebrows. "Really? Do you even know what kind of diseases are out there? At least be safe, okay?"

I rolled my eyes, then began getting undressed. "Of course I do. And you know I always am."

After that, Noah became a normalcy for a while. Although, I quickly realized he really was only into me for the free sex and the whole 'getting to see Tucker all the time' thing. If Tuck were gay, Noah would have been with him, not me. I didn't care. I was getting laid, and let's be honest, who's the real winner in that situation? Spoiler alert: it's me.