So I realized that long flights are the best times to get writing, I am awesome! Read, comment, vote! Because without you readers Id have no reson to write.
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Over the next two months I had been dealing with what I felt like was loss. I still texted him all the time sometimes we would go on for hours and it helped to keep me sane in the middle of total confusion at home. As I was staying with my aunt and she too was into food service she decided it was finally time to open up a place of her own.
She brought our cousin on board as her partner, me and another cousin as special needs and managers. The location was pretty far from home and the drive seemed unbearable at times but we dealt with it. On day long before opening, during renovation I think, I was headed down to check on things and my phone rang. Because I didnt want to risk reading while driving and I had to pee, I pulled over to a gas station to read and use the bathroom.
I opened the message as I walked into the door it was a picture of some guy with an attached message and it read "This is my boyfriend Louis." The next thing I know the cashier that had greeted me when I walked through the door was knealing over me asking me if I was gonna be ok. "No, Im not gonna be ok, he went and got a boyfriend, the guy that I love is trying to love someone else Im not gonna be ok!" I said as I walked out the store. I got back into my carr not even caring that I still had to pee. I drove back home and climbed into bed, I didnt want anything to do with anyone I wanted to be cut off from the entire world.
I stayed in bed for the next two days, I didnt move at all, I was lucky that I was off work and was out of classes on those days. When I finally did get up I could see straight, I felt dizzy. I asked my uncle to take me to work as I felt I couldnt take myself. I got to work and it was the worst performance in the world, as a server its all an act so yeah I did badly. I dropped multiple plates of food, and alot drinks. I broke about 6 glasses and over brewed coffee 3 times, I got half of my orders wrong and made less then 30 buck ins 5 hours talk about worst night ever.
I knew what was wrong but I had no idea how in the hell I was supposed to try and move past this I never felt so strongly about anything or anyone ever before. All I felt was that I had nothing left to live for, I felt as though my existence wasnt needed. Between crying every night slowly failing my final semester of school and barely doing anything at work, I felt maybe I really shouldnt exist anymore.
Im not sure what everyone believes but I strongly believe that before you fall in love you are selfish therefore cannot bring true harm to yourself, I believe those people are sane I believed that I was one of those people until now. I still wasnt sure how to end the existence of the worthless life I had but I thought I have years to plan it out right.
One night I was dreaming of ways to off myself when I was awoken by my aunt. She was screaming at me like something was wrong when i opened my eyes and saw the blood I was in shock there was so much of it. I went to the Emergency Room and got the wound cleaned closed and wrapped. The doctor asked why would I bite the space between my index finger and thumb. I told him I did it in my sleep, that my aunt woke me up because she was coming to see if I was asleep and she saw the color on the sheet and thought I spilt a drink but when she got closer it was blood.
The doctor then asked when i went sleep it was about4:30 in the morning when he asked so I told him at about 8:30. He then said from the amount of blood loss i had suffered and the size of the bites marks I had bit myself just after falling asleep and I bit down so hard it broke skin.He suggested I see a shrink and all I could think was oh goodness now I have to live.
