Daniel Howell Imagines

Back To Last December

The idea behind this is, everyone's perception of December and the festive time, are supposed to be happy times, with the person you love by your side surrounded by friends and family. But what if you don't have that special someone? What if December and the festive times are just full of memories to you? What if the thought of December just pains you because you regret so much stuff that you did in a previous December? What if?

Genre: who cares?

Word Count: 1618 words

Song(s) used: Last December - Nina Nesbitt and Back To December - Taylor Swift

December, the month where all the festivities commence, the month where all loved ones gather together to celebrate the season of giving. December is the cold month where you spend the cold winter, December nights huddled up infront of the fire with the person you are undeniably in love with. But I guess for me, December is the month where memories of a time that was once better and a time where I was happier start replaying in my mind. And instead of having the person I am undeniably in love with huddled with me in front of the fire, all I have is a blanket that's too small and my own thoughts. So I guess for me this year, December is a sad month instead of a joyous month.

But i guess sadness, fall outs and breakups are basically inevitable and I should just accept the fact that I no longer have the man that I was deeply in love with, by my side anymore. But somethings not letting me let go. He was different to anyone that I've ever met. And his name constantly repeats in my head like a chant just repeating 'Dan, Dan, Dan.' Dan, Dan was probably the best boyfriend that I ever had. And I'm not saying that I have had a lot of boyfriends, but he was the best one.

When I say that Dan was different, he really was different. He always put me first. He put me first with everything. And I feel like a shitty person looking back on it because Dan was giving me his best, and I gave him my worst. He gave me roses and I left them there to die.

So while I'm walking around the streets of London, trying to focus on getting the presents that my friends and family want, memories of Last December is all I can think of and remember. And if we're being honest here, I would go back to last December and turn around and make everything alright, I would do it in a heartbeat and I would go back all the time if I could.

'Arrrghh why am I doing this to myself' I think to myself. I keep on looking back on everything we shared and it feels like it's tearing me apart from the inside out. It's been a while but I don't think you can fully get over any sort of relationship. You learn to move one but you never really let go. Because when you're alone, sometimes you'll see something that reminds you of that person, then you spend the rest of the day and night just thinking about that person, what they may be doing, how they are.

That was December for me. December always reminded me of Dan, even the thought of December reminded me of him, and then I would just spiral into a black hole of memories and all I could feel was the horrible feeling of regret

I get urges to just knock on his door and apologise for everything that ive done, but sometimes I feel like its a bit too late. I mean, it has been a year but people are always telling me that it's never too late to do anything. So why am I doubting my urges and thoughts?

I walk around London aimlessly, lost in my thoughts when I hear my name being called out. I turn around and see two tall figures about 20 feet away from me. Dan and Phil. I smile at them as Phil walks up to me, Dan trailing nervously behind him. Oh god.

"Hey, how have you been?" Phil asks, wrapping me in a tight hug. Ive always loved Phil's hugs, they always make me feel so much better.

"I've been great, actually. I finally got the promotion at work. How about you guys? What have you guys been doing lately?" I guess I didnt really lie, but i didnt tell the truth either. I have been great, but I havent. And I got that promotion because I just threw myself into my work, something I had never done before, just to keep me distracted.

"We've been pretty good. Just finishing up some last minute Christmas shopping. Congrats on the promotion! You should've told me sooner, we could've had this bug huge celebration!" Phil answers. I havent heard a peep out of Dan this whole time. He probably just doesnt want to talk to me, or doesnt know what to say.

"Hahaha, oh no, I didnt want to bother you or anything with that, when i got it, i thought it wasnt as important as I originally thought would be." And then therea nothing else any of us could say. Phil just stood there and nodded when I finished my sentance ans Dan looked like he wanted the whole world to swallow him up. Finally Phil speaks up.

"So (Y/n), we were just about to go and find somewhere to eat, would you like to join us?" And as soon as he said that, Dan shot him a look, meaning something like 'Phil what the actual fuck are you doing?'

"Oh no thank you. I wouldn't want to feel like I was intruding. Thank you for the offer though." Phil scrunched his eyebrows together, probably not satisfied with your answer. He wasnt going to take no for an answer.

"No it's completely fine. Plus, we have so much to catch up on. Please? It would be lovely to have a nice chat with you, that isnt on the pathway." Phil pleads. I giggle a little at his desperation, but I guess it would be nice to chat to him, and possibly Dan, I guess. So onwards we go, to a small little restaurant. It was really nice.

We ordered our food and Phil and I chatted like we usually would. But the atmosphere around us was still quite tense, I guess it was because Dan was there, and he probably hasnt forgiven me for basically shattering his heart. But, i wouldnt forgive me either, and I havent forgiven myself. Why would I?

"Excuse me guys, sorry I just need to go to the loo, be back in a bit" Phil announced and my heart started beating profusely in my chest. Dan and I were going to be alone, and I had no idea what is going to happen? Will we talk? Will the atmosphere still bd tense and awkward? I guess I'll have to find that out for myself.

"Okay Phil, have fun i guess?" And then he left. I looked at Dan and gave him a nervous smile, he just looked down. I sighed, not even bothering to try and hold a conversation with him. There was no point. But I guess I'm glad that hes still here, I guess I'm glad that he didnt walk away as soon as the invitation to lunched popped up.

But I understand why he's being closed off. I'm his ex-girlfriend. I broke his heart. The last time that he saw me, that memory still burns in the back of his mind. Because god knows it still burns in the back of my mind.

"Soooooooo" I finally hear Dan say. I look towards him and he looks nervous "Is there anything specific you would like to talk about?"

"Hows your parents? Hows life for you?" I ask. He's conservative and closed off with his answers, but I guess its better than nothing. We just small talk, work and the weather until Phil gets back.

"Sorry guys, there was this weird guy in there who kept talking to me as he was peeing. I couldnt get out of thr conversation." Phil told us, and Dan and I laughed, probably the first time hes laughed today. "Well it seems that we're finished. So im going to go and pay the bill, you two stay here, and no, im not letting you help pay the bill." Phil quickly gets up and leaves before I could basically throw my money at him.

I look at Dan again and I cant help but feel like I should apologise, because I actually havent yet. But I'm gonna swallow my pride.

"Hey uh, Dan?" I start, he turns and looks towards me with a facial expression full of question. "I uh, I guess this is me swallowing my pride, and what I really want to say is that I'm sorry for everything that's happened. I havent been able to apologise yet, so this is me apologising. And so you know, I would go back and change everything." I said truthfully, apologising. It felt great to finally get it off my chest. And Dan, he genuinely smiled at me, nodding his head.

"You shouldnt be the only one apologising. I can only blame myself for the way that things happened. But I accept your apology. And im happy that you decided to tag along today." And we sat there smiling knowing that everything between us is okay and everything between us in the future will be okay