Harry Potter I: Facebook Feed Edition

Chapter Two

~*10 years later*~

Dudley Dursley IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. Y'ALL BETTER GET ME SOMETHING GOOD. WHERE'S MY PRESENTS!?

(Petunia Dursley, Vernon Dursley, Marge Dursley like this.)

Petunia Dursley wrote on Dudley Dursley's wall: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY MOST HANDSOME, CLEVER, SWEET, LITTLE DUDDIKINS! MUMMY LOVES YOU SO MUCH XOXOXOX.

Vernon Dursley wrote on Dudley Dursley's wall: Happy Birthday, Dudley! I'm so proud to have you as my son!

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Harry Potter have now got a phone because teacher asked for home number and I 'accidentally' forgot, and the teacher wrote a letter saying that I need a phone to remember numbers on. Still wonders what he did in a past life to deserve such horrible treatment. And he's considering the possibility of emancipation, the phone is old and used, but at least have internet. Wonder who made a Facebook for me and why I have so many friend requests and posts from people I don't know ._. (sent from mobile)

(Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Rubeus Hagrid and 30 others likes this.)

Harry Potter: WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!

Vernon Dursley: YOU SHOULD BE BLOODY GRATEFUL THAT WE EVEN GIVE YOU A PLACE TO LIVE, ONE MORE WORD, NO PHONE, NO FOOD!

Harry Potter: Again, I hate life

(Petunia Dursley, Vernon Dursley, Dudley Dursley like this.)

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Dudley Dursley joined the group Sons with stupid useless parents who only give them thirty-six presents for their eleventh birthdays.

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Arabella Figg broke my leg :(

Petunia Dursley: DISLIKE. IMMENSELY.

Vernon Dursley: I second that.

Dudley Dursley: HOW DARE YOU, YOU OLD HAG! YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!

Harry Potter: No offense, but I'm rather glad you've provided the opportunity for me to leave this house.

Harry Potter: Oh, and also now I won't have to look at Tibbles, Snow, Mr. Paws, and Tufty again for at least another year. yay!

Vernon Dursley: don't push your luck boy!

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Dudley Dursley wrote on Sons with stupid useless parents who only give them thirty-six presents for their eleventh birthdays' wall: FUUUUUUU, not only did i only get 36 presents, I'm stuck with my damn stupid piece of crap cousin. My life sucks!

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Piers Polkiss has arrived at Dudley's house! (sent from mobile)

(Dudley Dursley likes this.)

Dudley Dursley IS GOING TO THE ZOO WITH Piers Polkiss.

(Piers Polkiss likes this.)

Harry Potter: And of course, I'm forgotten as always..

Dudley Dursley: SHUT UP, POTTER. YOU DON'T EXIST.

Harry Potter: ...

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Harry Potter dreamed about a flying motorcycle last night – any interpretations? (sent from mobile)

(Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore and Rubeus Hagrid like this.)

Harry Potter: Again, who are you people?!

Vernon Dursley: MOTORCYCLES DON'T FLY.

Dudley Dursley: LOL.

Harry Potter: I know they don't, it was just a dream. If you had read my status properly, you would've recognised that...

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Harry Potter is actually enjoying himself, had an ice lolly for the first time, it tasted sweet and cold. *^*

Harry Potter added "talking to snakes" to interests.

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Dudley Dursley WAS ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE, IT NEARLY BIT OFF MY LEG!

Petunia Dursley: MY POOR POOR DIDDIKINS! MUMMY MADE YOU GO THROUGH SOMETHING SO HORRIBLE, I WILL MAKE UP FOR IT. 2 MORE PRESENTS!

Harry Potter: You were not.

Piers Polkiss: You were talking to it! Probably told it to kill us! Did you see? It was was huuuuuggggeeee, probably 10000m long, I swear it tried to squeeze me to death!

Harry Potter: No...it didn't go anywhere near enough to kill you, if you were clever enough to read that snake was no where near 10000m, now everyone's gonna think I set a snake on you guys, family stuff? I don't think so. I, like you, have no idea what happened either, perhaps even the snake was able to tell that you weren't a good person.

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Vernon Dursley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Go - cupboard - stay - no meals-right now

Vernon Dursley wrote on Petunia Dursley's wall: GET ME A BRANDY.

Petunia Dursley: Yes, dear, of course.

Harry Potter of course my life can't be happy for more than five minutes. No meals? Stay? What am I? A dog? I just said I had no idea what happened, but then again no one would believe me even if I did explain. Some would constitute this as child abuse...