Capturing Ella

Chapter 45 - Ella

I looked back at Joe, who was still lurking in the shadows but stepped forward slightly when I left his side, and he still hadn't moved. I had seen Joe cry once ever and that was when I told him there was no way in Hell I would get an abortion. It wasn't that I was against them or anything, but I couldn't have the strength in me to do that and if I carried a child for nine months, I would want to keep them and especially with the whole Savant element involved I would want to keep them safe. I had seen the dark side of the world from a very young age and I never wanted my children to go through that kind of stuff and I wouldn't risk exposing them to that type of darkness by giving them up. So I straight up told Joe that I would want to keep the kid and he'd have the choice to either stay and be a part of the baby's life, be the Dad he always wanted to be, or leave when we go back to Berkshire and I wouldn't dob him in it. I would just say the baby's Dad didn't want anything to do with them, but wouldn't name and shame. When I told Joe this, we were both completely shattered and were staying in a hotel in Brighton, many miles away from Cornwall where they expected us to be staying. It seemed like a good idea but the drive was horrendous and traffic. We were both sitting with our legs out on the small sofa half asleep, legs entangled but able to speak to each other face to face. I told him this randomly, with the pressure on my mind to much to keep in and he told me straight up he would never leave me or the baby, or any children we might go on to have. I lunged myself at him, starting to cry knowing so much pressure was off me now. I had feared he would panic at the level of commitment and flee but he nailed it entirely. So as I lay on his chest, I told him about my mental health issues.

I told him how depressed I actually was, and I talked him through my suicide and why I did it, and when he asked what stopped me from doing it I simply told him nothing had stopped me - I wanted to die the entire time but Xav was the one who made me throw up so I guess he stopped me. I also told him how my anxiety goes hand in hand with my depression and how I always find it hard to speak to people freely and preferred to be by myself and rather than find silences uncomfortable and awkward I actually thrived willingly in them. But I only saw him cry when I told him about my suicide, but it was more of a silent cry as he hugged me close telling me he'd never let me go. Not that he could fix everything for me and not the wonderful presence of his Soulfinder being would fix me mentally but rather that he wouldn't leave me again. He didn't tell me he was crying but I could hear it and I could feel his tears in my hair.

I think I had to move the count up to twice, now. As I walked away, I projected to see if he was alright and moving but he just stood watching me as a single tear fell down his cheek before he slid to the floor all hunched over as another tear fell. He didn't wipe them away – he let them make their path almost unaware.

Smilingly sadly at Joe, I walked into the staircase and had to take a moment to stop and think about what I could have lost by walking off. I wanted to seem confident and defiant, almost like the Katniss of the situation if this was set in the Hunger Games hoping it would rub off onto my ego but nothing. If anything, I felt worse.

I sat down on the bottom step, knowing my temperature had already started to fall – not something we had anticipated. On noticing this, I started to shake uncontrollably and started to cry as well. I never wanted to hurt Joe or drag him into something bad and that was exactly what I had managed to do. I knew I never wanted to ruin him, but my brain made up the word ruin as an illusion. Every time I said I would ruin him what did I actually mean?

I realised exactly what it meant now, though.

I had managed to ruin him, yes, but not in the way I expected. I thought burdening him with me and all my illnesses would be enough to make him collapse and break him but instead it made him stronger and more willing to fight on and stay by my side. For that, he was my hero. But when I said I would ruin him, what it meant in hindsight was I would destroy him emotionally. He had just witnessed his Soulfinder, the one thing he says means more to him than anything else, walk off for the last time and not only that, his Soulfinder was pregnant with his only child. If I was to do anything wrong I could lose the child or die, and then that would ruin him. That was what my brain meant all along by the term "ruin". It wasn't me being poetic or enticing thinking that my mental health issues could hurt him. I mean they sure can and probably will in one way or another but it wouldn't totally destroy him. However, him watching his Soulfinder and unborn child die would destroy and ruin him. That's what I meant by ruin subconsciously.