Capturing Ella

Chapter 56 - Ella

The next morning

I sat anxiously at the edge of the sofa, curled up slightly and shaking in fear. I don't know why I was shaking, but I couldn't stop shaking no matter how long I tried to still my hand. I'll be honest, I could guess why I was shaking, and it was to do with the hospital appointment I had in ninety two minutes (I wasn't counting down). You would have thought the sheer amount of time I was in and out of hospitals for the last few weeks I would be immune, if you will, to hospitals. But hell no, the fear still stayed and was even intensified this time around because the tests I was due to undertake wouldn't just affect my life.

I pulled my shirt down over my stomach a bit more, half self conscious but also fed up on how it kept riding up when I kept shaking. I didn't go for fashion today – or ever, really – but went for comfort instead. This morning, a lot of time had gone into my look simply to take my mind of the daunting task that lied ahead of me today. I had gone for a pair of dark blue skinny jeans, a black marl baggy shirt and my usual baggy hoody that is actually Joe's. But the hoody that I always found comfort in did next to nothing at this precise second. I hunched over even further, curling up into myself with my legs against my chest and my head on my knees. Normal people are excited for days like this, but not me. I was a quivering wreck.

As I thought the last thought, I could hear Joe who had just come out of the bathroom from his shower. I could call him, I thought. He probably would be able to calm me down but I didn't want to be a burden – for he was more excited about this than I was at the moment. I couldn't put a downer on his day because I was anxious. I'm not that mean. Instead, I just curled up even smaller, pushing my head on my legs so hard hoping that my brain what shut up with its intensive and obsessive bullshit.

'How formal are we going, hun? Like jeans or – what's wrong?' Joe said, walking around the corner of our flat to see me curled into a ball on the side of the sofa. He quickly sat down beside me, putting his arm immediately around my back and pulling me in and I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. Embarrassingly, I started to cry still shaking. 'Hun, what's up?' Joe asked.

'I'm scared,' is all I could whisper, crying as he gently pulled me onto his lap, one hand around my waist pulling me in for a hug and rubbing my arm attempting to calm me down, the other in my hair. He gently tried to shush me in a compassionate way and even though it had no immediate effect, I felt a lot calmer knowing that he was there for me. I rested my head against his completely exposed shoulder as he played with my hair. We sat there for another ten or so minutes, until I had completely stopped crying. 'Why you scared?' He asked simply, grabbing the blanket/throw off the back of the settee and wrapping it around us both.

'About today.' I simply said, and Joe smiled down at me sadly. He gently leaned forward and kissed me softly.

'There's nothing to be scared about. You know what will happen, don't you?' He asked me softly, and I nodded. These tests are known to be in films and every TV show. I knew the procedure – it was the result I was scared about.

'What if something isn't right? What if –' I said, looking up at Joe. I never realised how quickly you could fall in love with your Soulfinder, but we've only known each other properly for a month, and it's been just over three and a half months since we first met. My brothers who have been fortunate to find their Soulfinder's all told of how quickly they fell in love and how much it shocked them, but I thought they were over exaggerating. But now I knew they meant every word they said. I couldn't imagine spending another day without Joe.

'Stop with the what if's, El, I highly doubt there will be something wrong.'

'Promise?' I muttered, and Joe gave me the slight look he always gives me when in a good way he feels sorry for me. Not a good way, but he understands that I can't help the way I feel sometimes, and rather than telling me harshly to get over it there must be short cuts around it to help me feel less anxious. Honestly, when people always spoke about their Soulfinder, such as family and so on, they always said how happy they would be together. But it just left me stumped. I thought I would be unlovable – with the anxious and depressed part of me. Hardly anyone knows how to deal with that side of me, so I keep it hidden. Which works within short time periods. However, when I told Joe when night, I was scared he was just going to leave me. Instead, he just told me it doesn't change anything about me. That night, we discussed the ways I get around it and ever since then he's known exactly what to do when I get myself in such an anxious state that I can't stop shaking such as now.