Random Stuff

Santa Clause is Coming to Town

Okay we all know Santa is a creepy stalker, right? Well I decided to make a list of everything wrong with Santa. (I don't believe in him, and if you do, don't read this chapter) These are all the laws he breaks on Christmas.

#1: Breaking and Entering
So every year, Santa breaks into about 5 billion homes. And little kids love him for it. But if I were to dress up in red cotton-trimmed clothing and break into even 1 house, I can assure you that I would end up in jail. Its totally different in this case though, right?

#2: Slavery
I don't know where most of you live, but I'm pretty sure slavery isn't legal there. Santa has a couple thousand enslaved midgets. That's not okay. I am pretty sure nobody ever told me that elves got paid for working endlessly to make gifts. That's slavery.

slave /slāv/
noun
1.a person who is the legal property of another and is forced to obey them.

That is the definition of a slave. They are "Santa's elves" meaning they belong to Santa, and I'm pretty sure they are forced to obey him.

#3: Stalker
He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been good or bad. Shall I continue for goodness sake?

#4: Kidnapper
Its bad enough that he has enslaved the majority of the world's midgets, but how did he get them? He kidnapped them! So Santa kidnapped and enslaved all the midgets in this world! Guys, if any of you are under 4'6, HIDE. HIDE FROM SANTA BEFORE HE GETS YOU!

#5: Thief
After breaking and entering, Santa proceeds to steal our cookies! That is not okay by me!

#6: Vandalism
Vandalism; to deliberately destroy public or private property that is not your own.
There is absolutely no way he manages to leave without a scratch anywhere. No offense, but when you're as large as Santa, there ain't no way you can slide down a chimney without destroying the chimney. And if you do, you would land in the ashes on the fireplace, which you would then track inside the house. Also, 8 reindeer, at least 100,000 tons of presents, and a Santa can't just casually land on a person's roof like that. There is absolutely no way that a house can support that kind of weight, so the house would end up crumbling in on itself.

#6.5: Murder
If the previously stated scenario did happen, Santa would end up killing several innocent lives, making him a murderer.

#7: Time
There are about 7.85 billion people and the world, and about 5 billion celebrate Christmas. Most houses have four people inside, so that's about 1.7 billion-ish homes to visit. In one night. Yes, yes, I know. Time zones make it easier. He can start at the international date line and go reverse in which the Earth rotates, but that only gives him 12 hours. 12 hours to Break and Enter, stalk, steal, and vandalize almost 2 billion houses. There's only one solution. Behold Santa Clause the time lord! For he is our next doctor! And his tardis is a sleigh!

So yes, the idea of Santa Clause not only goes against all logic, but he would have to be a wanted criminal worldwide. I think I will just enjoy the gifts from actual people instead of fluffy red timelords.

~Lina