Dream a Little Dream

Dream a Little Dream - Dream 18

Dream 18

The sun was setting as the couple exchanged their vows. The moment could have been a memory or a dream for Susan. She remembered her wedding and renewal of vows so vividly. Jack had pulled off the renewal as a total surprise, when normally she would have guessed something was up.

But now as she looked on at the happy couple, she began to wonder what would their life be like? Would they live happily ever after and have children and grow old together? Or would something take one of them away from the other like a cruel joke?

A tear slipped down Susan’s face as she tried to paste on a smile. She knew Jacob was watching her from his spot next to the groom. Standing on the edge of the wedding guests, she silently slipped out and walked up the beach to get some space between her dreams and reality.

She knew he had followed her. Susan could feel Jacob’s presence before he uttered a word. She wanted to be alone with Jack’s memories, but she didn’t want to be alone. She was always so confused when Jacob was around.

“We were married on the beach. Then on our eighth anniversary, he surprised me with the renewal of our vows on the beach again,” she did turn around to see him now. The tears were unchecked streaming down her face, “This was a bad idea. I shouldn’t have come. You need to get back to your cousin’s wedding.”

“They’re fine. The minister’s already finished,” Jacob took her hand, “I’m sorry. I didn’t think...”

Susan pulled her hand away and placed it over his lips, “You had no way of knowing all of that.”

“No. But still I know this must be hard on you. You loved Jack very much.” Jacob took her hand as they turned to walk back towards the hotel and the wedding party.

“I did and will. He was my everything for twelve years. I can’t imagine how I will ever get over losing him.” Susan pulled her hand away slowly, “Jacob, I don’t think I am ready for what you want. I need time to grieve. Time to heal. And I think you’re right. Maybe I should move out to Denver with Shelly. I thought that moving would lessen my connection with Jack. We built our life in Atlanta. He is everywhere I look in the house. The walls we painted, the home office he worked in, the bedroom we shared, even the nursery we planned. I was afraid that if I moved away, I would lose that. But, after being here, this weekend, I realized that I won’t. He was here with me too. And in Denver I have Shelly and Josh and the kids to help me. And it will give me a new perspective on everything. Maybe one day I will be ready for someone else. But, I don’t want you waiting around for me, because quite honestly I may never be ready.”

Susan could see the disappointment and hurt in Jacob’s eyes, but there was nothing she could do. If she reached out to support him and give comfort to his feelings, he might take that as a sign of hope. Hope she couldn’t afford to give him right now. Yes. He was a friend and there was something there between them, but she couldn’t help to compare him and Jack. And when Jacob was close, it wasn’t him who she thought of and wished was there. It was Jack and maybe it would always be Jack. And that wasn’t fair to Jacob.

“I understand,” Jacob walked with her slowly back to the reception.

Even though things seemed different between them, Susan knew she made the right decision. Jacob was a friend and once she made it clear they relaxed and had fun together as two friends might. They danced and talked with the others from the wedding. And later when she went to her room she called Shelly and told her she would be coming out sometime during the week for a visit. She didn’t want to get her sister’s hopes up. There was still a lot to do and plan for before she could consider a move out west. And although she didn’t have to work, she loved her job and she needed to talk to Harry and see if she could still work from that far away.