Kill me? (Mikey Way Fanfiction)

Chapter 15

"Hey Gerard" I sit next to Gerard on the couch, he sigh loud enough for me to hear probably he knows what I'm trying to ask. "About her" Gerard look at me with a sad look. "Yes?" I asked, I've waited this thing for one night, if he didn't want to tell me, I will punch him in the face ten times more than usual. "Katelynn said you still can see her, but not now, not tomorrow. But someday, I don't know when, she just said that. And she said Val don't want to see you just yet, she want you to move on and look for the real love of your life. That's all I can tell you" And then Gerard left me alone, thinking. This is so unfair, all I did was drank too much until I'm drunk and said mean things then she left. She left and probably never going back. This is so unfair.

In two weeks, this tour will be over and I will be home. I've talked to Max about this and I decided that I will still try to find her in another city. And thank god he was understand. Just about 2 states and 8 cities, then I will be home. Can I found her? Or she refuse to be found?

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Two weeks has came and went, I still can't found her. I started to lose my hope.

A month came and went, I'm home and I try to go to her house but it's empty. Her neighbors said they're in holiday. 

Six months came and went, I tried to go to her house again. But this time probably in a wrong time because when I arrived there I saw her brother committed suicide by hanging in front of the window, and I can saw it clearly. 

9 months came and went, still tried to go to her house but it empty again, neighbors said they've moved out to god knows where since Val's brother died.

11 months came and went, I still can't find her. I promised myself this will be the last time I go to her house. And there's still no use, her family sold their house. 

It's been a year

It's been a goddamn year

I never met her since that day, I've been looking for her but no use, I started to get hopeless and then I stop. I just stop to looking for her, stop  to keep my hope high, stop to trying, probably stop loving her. Yeah, I'm just stop loving her. I'm done with trying to keep myself sane, I'm tired tell myself that it's gonna be okay, I will found her and we will make it work together. No. I'm done. I started to harm myself again, I keep telling myself that it was my fault. If she is in dangerous now, it was my fault. If she can't meet her sister anymore, it was my fault. Long story short, it was my fault.

I can't remember the last time I go out and face the sun, I can't remember the last time I laugh so hard, I can't remember the last time I was happy. Even Gerard seems give up on me, yeah that's okay brother, I give up on me too. Almost everyday I would cried myself to sleep and then woke up, not feeling better even a little bit. I keep telling myself not again, but ended up falling into the same mistake over and over again. I keep telling myself to move on and recover from my self harm issues, but I ended up doing the same thing again. 

All the motivation words on the internet can't save me, all my fans words can't save me, I feel like no one can save me. I sigh loudly, lay on my bed that used to be 'ours' still hurts my heart, remember that she had lay on this bed and pillow still make a very big hole in my heart. It needs to stop. The pain, the tears, the loneliness, the feeling of being rejected and left. It needs to stop as fast as possible. A human still can live if they're eat and breath, being left by the one that they love can't make them die.  I sigh once again, closing my eyes and let my body rest for tonight.

I woke up and look at the clock on the nightstand. 06:00 AM. Today, I swear will be a better day. I really have decided to move on, and forget about her. Forget all things about her even the most important thing about her. I picked up my phone and delete all of our photos, I've done one step. I get up from my bed and took showers. Thinking, why did I waste my time for someone that in the end not worth it at all. Why did I waste a whole year being depressed and hurt Gerard, the most important person in my life? I swear today I will start a new beginning. I will try to forget and believe that everything's gonna be alright, just like everyone said to me.

"Good morning, Gerard" I said as I pour myself a glass of milk and put the rest of the milk in the refrigerator. "Morning, Mikey" He said and like always make a cup of coffee for himself. "What?" I asked when he look at me like I am a ghost or something "Nothing. How are you?" He asked and took a sip from his coffee that he made earlier. "Never been so great than ever." I said and smile at him. "What? There's something wrong with me?" I asked him again. "N-no. I-I'm just happy that you finally can fight the struggle and at least get out of your room. I'm just happy" He said and give me a brotherly hug that I've missed so much. "I've decided to forget about anything that happened." I said when he pull away from the hug and give me one more his brightest smile. "Glad you finally realized" He said "Glad finally you can stop worrying about me" I nodded and go to outside of our house just for a little walk, leaving him alone. 

I took a deep breath, it's been a while since I felt fresh air filled my lungs. Once again, I wonder why I wasted a whole year to realized? It's been a while since I felt a good vibe around me. I promised myself to get better each day and stop make Gerard worrying so much. He gets older easily if he worrying too much.