Kill me? (Mikey Way Fanfiction)

Chapter 17

I have an argument with myself about her, will I let her come back then destroy me again? Or will I finally say goodbye then walk away? Will I do what she told me to meet her there at 8 in the morning? No, not 8, probably 8:30 or something. Will I take the let her tell about her life that I've missed? But what if she's married now? What if she already found someone--a hero--that save her life. Will I take the risk to hurt myself again? It's like a 50:50 or more like 80:20 for hurting myself again. I don't even know what am I thinking right now. 

"Mikey, are you okay?" I heard Gerard's voice from the doorway "I am" I said, a little bit too soft, probably he won't hear me. "I know you're not" He said, he walk into my room then sit next to me. "I won't be lie but you look so sad, like always" I nodded, I won't deny that. "And I know something happened, right?" I nodded, Gerard just being himself, the best brother in the world. 

After I told him what happened back then, then he looked at me directly in the eyes, like he want to searching something, anything inside myself. "Do you still love her? After all this time do you still love her and still want to be her hero?" I don't know. I am honest with him and with myself, I don't fucking know. I shook my head, signaling him, I'm not really sure. "Will you see her again tomorrow?" - "Again, I don't know" I said, he sigh. I wonder how he don't give up on me yet, just like other people would do, give up. 

"Probably I will, but I won't let myself fall apart again" I said, this is the final decision, I won't let her come into my life anymore, there are so many scars from her, maybe that's not her fault but I've hurt enough. "Am I count as a bastard guy who leave his girl when she's in trouble?" I asked "No, you're not. You doing this for your own health, for your own good. And hey, guess what? You deserve to be happy with someone else, or maybe in this time you deserve to be happy with me." I nodded, just like any other situations, he always right. 

"Well, since the coffee that you bought fell because of 'a dog'" He said, make the quote mark with both of his hands "Why don't we have a cup of homemade coffee instead?" I smile a little bit, "Why not?" I said to him.

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It's 5 in the morning, after going through a sleepless night, it's finally 5 in the morning. My body tired as hell, my eyelids as heavy as Gerard's eyeliner, but I can't sleep and a cup of coffee from earlier won't help me sleep. Do you ever feel like when you're tired but your brain just can't stop thinking about things, thinking about the mistake that you made in your life about 10 years ago, or thinking about where your lives go. I do. I feel it almost every night since she left. Still lay on my bed, I think about how I met her, how sad she was, how desperate she was then thought that kill herself was the only way to end her pain. I remember how red her eyes from crying, how scared she was, and how I just wanted to hug her, not to kill her. 

I remember when I first went to her house, her stupid and disgusting brother tried to do something to her. I remember when she told me anything about her family, at least people who should be her family do something horrible at her except her sister. I remember her sister's promises to save her life as soon as she gets married. 

Then I remember my stupid mistake, I remember told her something that I know I shouldn't then she left me. Left me without any other words in the next morning. I remember how I felt, empty. I wonder, what if I let Frank be with her? What if I didn't go to that party and get drunk? What if I let her killed herself on the park that night? What if I take the knife then kill her? What if......

What if I never met her at all?