Being a carter. (Eastenders)

Seventeen

I had been discharged from the hospital and while I was in there Mick broke the news that Lucy Beale had died and that she had been murdered.
The news had knocked me even more down as Lucy was a nice girl and I classed her as my friend.

I lay in my and Mick's bed and I stared at the ceiling it was my first morning back home and i was trying to hold myself together and if I'm honest I was hiding how I felt well so I thought, I grew up watching my nan and mum hide the tears and put on there lippy and put on that fake happy smile stand there and glow so they can go out and serve the punters and put on a show so my nan always said, so yeah that's what I grew up seeing so that's how I deal with everything hide my pain and upset and put on a fake show not just for punters but family and friends.

I get up out of bed and I open the bedroom door bumping into Mick who had two cups of tea in his hands
"Your up, was bringing you a cuppa"
"Yeah I'm going for a shower" I said looking at the two cups in his hands as I walk past him

I get in the bathroom and I close the door quickly and I breath out not knowing till then that I had held my breath the whole time,
I lock the door and I walk over and run the shower and I get undressed and get in instantly enjoying the hot water touching my skin.
Just then I felt my body relax to much as I start to sob to myself tears start to pour and I slide down the shower wall to the floor and cry ignore the warm water falling over my head.

I'm sitting in the shower still water still landing on me and I'm just staring ahead till there was a knock on the door making me jump out my skin
"Elle!" Mick calls
"Er yeah" i said standing up turning the shower off
"You okay?"
"Yeah why?" I ask wrapping a towel around my self and opening the door seeing him standing there
"You been in the shower for 45mins ya teas gone cold"
"Oh sorry lost track of time, i also needed to wash that hospital stink of me" I chuckle nervously
I walk to the bedroom and mick follows me
"I'm going down stairs to get ready for opening"
"Uh huh" I said opening the wardrobe looking in at my clothes
"I want you to stay up here today and get more rest"
"Sure" I said with a nod
I hear Mick huff behind me and walk away and close the bedroom door and I get out my clothes and lay them out on the bed I heard what Mick said but I had no intention of sitting up here all day.

I look at myself in the mirror as I put on my lip gloss, I pick up my hair brush and brush my freshly straightened hair "perfect" I said to myself I pick up my phone and put in my pocket of my jeans and put on my heals and I look at the time it was 1 in the afternoon I had deliberately took ages to get ready because I knew if I was down there before opening Mick would had never opened up,
I take one last look at myself and I take a big breath in and breath out slowly
"Here I go" I say as I put on my biggest smile as yet "come on Elle" I say turning round smile on my face.
I walk downstairs and to behind the bar seeing Alfie waiting to be served
"What can I get you handsome"  I said cheerfully
"Err" he said looking at me shocked like I was doing something wrong and as if he was shocked to see me
"Well?" I ask him big smile still
"Um my usual please elle" he said looking at me then to Mick who had just noticed me
I give Alfie his drink and change and went over to the next punter and ask them what they want but Mick grabs my arm
"Tracy serve this gentlemen" Mick said pulling me to the back like I was some naughty kid I pull my arm from him
"What you doing?" I snap
"No Elle what are you doing?"
"Working our pub last time I checked"
"Don't! You know what I meant"
"No Mick I didn't"
"You need to rest take your time"
"No Mick I need to work in my pub" I said pushing past him and out to the punters  m

I had been working for over an hour now and if I'm honest I wasn't enjoying it as much as I was showing it was constant I'm sorry, I'm surprised you are working or the best one i know how you feel, I felt like turning around and saying piss off you know shit.
Kat walks in and I take her order and hand her the drinks
"I'm surprised your back this soon"
"Yeah well you are not the first one to say that to me today" I said wanting to bash my head on the wall
"If you ever want to talk I'm here"
"And why would I want to talk, what's there to talk about?" I said looking at her waiting for an answer
"Look Ellie I'm your friend I know your hurting"
I look at Kat and I realised I wasn't ready for this I look around the bar and I knew I needed to get out I felt like someone had a pillow on my face and was suffocating me, I nod my head at her and I walk out and I head upstairs to my bedroom and I sit on the bed and I catch my breath and I knew I needed to get away from here
I pack my bags and I head to the kitchen and get a pen and paper and I write
Im sorry     Elle X

I put the note on the bed and I put on my jacket and head downstairs and I see Mick from behind he was laughing and joking with punters and with that I leave the pub and Mick