Where The Love Light Gleams

December 16th

Shin comes to him this time. She drives. He doesn't even know. But she does. And she drives them, James included, to a community center. Ian knows about it, of course. He drives by it most of the time. She told them to wear a cap too.

Caroling.

He hadn't known about the caroling. They do it outside, in the back where there's a basketball court and a small stage. There are chairs decorated with red and green bows. Everything that can be draped with fairy lights is covered in them, which means they require no other source of light. He gets that the caps are for hiding their faces. And as much as he is worried about a fire hazard due to the fairy lights, he's also thankful for them because it makes them harder to recognize.

She's wearing a goddamn white hat that brings out her dark hair and dark eyes. She's flashing the sparkly-eyed grin and James is beaming along with her. They make such a picture that his heart actually aches.

God, this has been such a bad idea for his heart.

But he must be a glutton for punishment, because as he watches her, watches them, he can't help the warmth in his stomach, the smile on his face. He feels lighter with her here, lighter because she is. He's also never seen James get attached so easily with someone, especially not a relative. Apparently, Rachelle Ann Go makes suckers out of the Bautista men.

Everyone sees it too. He would always get questions about his status with Shin, but he doesn't tell them anything. Their friends would sometimes ask him, but he knows they're only teasing because he's pretty sure they know everything without even having to ask.

It's funny. He knows he missed her. The thing is, he doesn't think he realized how much he missed her, how much she's almost like a vital limb until he's had her back.

"Ian?"

He blinks, hoping the shock isn't on his face. She and James are both looking at him expectantly, both holding letter-sized booklets. Lyrics, he realizes belatedly. Are they supposed to sing along too? He doesn't remember seeing that.

"Sorry, what?"

Shin smiles indulgently while James giggles.

"Here Tito Ian. Should we sit here?"

He can't figure out how this is a question. There's more than enough room for him, an elderly couple sitting at the end like a Christmas cliché, but Shin merely offers him a shrug. Because James is a kid, Ian makes a show of inspecting the seats. He solemnly sits on each of one, even ducking down, pretending to use James' viewpoint. The elderly couple watches him warily but he barely pays them any mind as he turns back to Shin and James. James is trying hard not to laugh and Shin's got her hand over her mouth trying to do the same.

"Good choice, James," he finally decides, sitting right next to the old woman. He has no idea how many people show up to these things, but he doesn't want to risk people crawling over him and Shin to get empty seats. The elderly woman leans over and places her hand on his arm to get his attention.

 

"That's a beautiful family you have there," she tells him, turning and nodding to James and Shin, dark heads bent together giggling away. He's not sure he's ever seen so much giggling in his life. "You're a good father."

He merely offers a thank you in response, thinking it's better than having to explain he's not a father yet, the child is not his, and the lovely woman is not his wife. Yet. But he's pretty sure someday she will be. What else can he say? Sure, he's not being totally honest, but what does it matter that they aren't all his family when in his heart, it feels just like that? He feels that they are a family in some way.

It turns out there's a professional choir running the show and while the audience is encouraged to sing along, he's rather glad for the choir's leading voices. It's a beautiful scene, one he wishes he'd taken advantage of long before now. A community, together, taking time to enjoy the season and just sing. He can hear James' little voice on some of the more mainstream songs and the emotion that rings in Shin's on the more traditional religious hymns.

It's one of those songs, those emotional religious hymns, where he finds himself reaching out and squeezing one of her hands. She looks over, squeezing back. Her eyes are glossy with unshed tears. His hand moves of its own volition – because he most certainly does not remember telling it to rise and cup her cheek- and he slides his thumb along her cheekbone.

And in that moment, he wants this more than anything he's ever wanted. It calls to him, makes him yearn for it, and he finds himself leaning towards her, closer and closer. Her eyes flutter close and he knows he's going to kiss her. And she's going to let him.

But then there's applause and he's startled from the moment, pulling away. Reality's settling in again and her big eyes are fluttering open now, blinking at him and blushing more profusely.

What has he done?