Where The Love Light Gleams

December 17th

Shin loves her time with her mother more than anything. Whether its Sunday lunch or just doing random things at home. She missed her family the most, especially her mother.

She was worried – her mother- about Shin living independently in a country that's five time zones away. She still is, every single day. Shin can only imagine the happiness her mother felt when she told her the she's coming home for the holidays. She could swear she saw the tears in her eyes even over Skype. Sometimes she wonders how she ever survives being away from the woman who has been there, guiding her every step of the way.

"Penny for your thoughts?" she hears her mother ask.

They're in the kitchen, preparing dinner for some relatives coming over. Although she's a self-proclaimed goddess in the kitchen when she's in England, here, her mother is. So, she's seated by the kitchen counter, just watching, and unconsciously picking on those string beans.

She hums her acknowledgement because she doesn't know what to say.

"Shin," her mother calls again.

The words are right there, ready to spit out of her mouth. She's trying to hold back, but she can't.

"I'm thinking about... coming home."

Her mother stopped for a second, enough for her to catch it. Shin's nervous now.

"But you are home," her mother says.

"No. I meant coming home for good. Staying. Really staying here," she punctuates. She doesn't how could she ever emphasize it more. But Shin knows her mother gets what she's trying to say.

"I thought you love London," she counters.

"I do. I really do. But it's not home; not without you guys."

Then her mother is silent. She's nervous because her mother would always have something to say.

"And you're thinking about it because?"

Why is she asking this? She thinks to herself. As if she really needs a reason to come home.

"I thought I was happy. I'm out there living out my dream, everything's handed to me. I thought all of my achievements could compensate for what I've been missing. And now- Now I'm here and my sister won't even talk to me. She thinks I'm a stranger. I only realized how lonely it was. It's just not the same. There's a different kind of happiness that only a family could give you."

Her mother is silent again, just casually continuing her cooking.

Until Shin couldn't stand the silence anymore. "Ma, please say something."

She stopped and looked at her daughter, "I would love for you to come home. Why wouldn't I? I think about you every minute of every day. But I don't get to make that decision anymore. I don't get to decide for you anymore. That's your job as an adult."

Jazz said she'd love for Shin to come home but she's not going to ask her to. Now, her mother does too but again, she's not going to ask her. By this time, Shin wonders if staying is really a good idea.

"Ma..."

Her mother then catches her hand and holds it tight. "Shin, I cannot tell you enough how much I'd love it for you to stay here. I really, really do. You are my baby girl and will always be. But, this one's have to be all on you. You have to know what your heart wants, where your heart is. No matter what you decide, you always have my love and support."

She nods because what else was she supposed to say? Also because she could feel tears threatening to flow from her eyes.

"So, tell me about Ian" her mother asks as she gets back to cooking.

She groans, because really, why is everyone asking her? "He asked me to give him until Christmas."

"Is that why-"

"No! No. It's not. He only wanted me to give him until Christmas to show that he could make it work, that he's willing to make it work again. But he had not asked me to come home or anything."

"But I'm guessing he's part of the reason why you want to stay."

Damn. That hit her right in the heart. It hit her because it's true, whether she admits it to herself or not.

"Yeah. He is," Shin says quietly, a grin forming on her face.

Shin tells her mother about the countdown to Christmas, that Ian is willing to make it work, that she wants it to work. She also tells her that it feels different this time and maybe, just maybe, it is going to work. But she also tells her mother that she's afraid.

She can't afford to screw it up. She knows she's ready but there's still a surprising amount of things that throw up obstacles. She also knows she doesn't want Ian to wait forever. That's unfair to both of them. It's hard to puzzle her way through this knowing that they have the emotions to start this. Sure, they're spurred by fear, by second chances, by trying to hang on with both hands and never let go, but they're still there.

She still wants him.

He still wants her.