Color Blind

Moving On

I ran my hand through Johnnys hair as he slept. I had forgotten how great he could make me feel when we had sex. He wasn't as long as Trey, but he was so thick, I sometimes felt like he would tear me. I kissed his forehead and he slowly began to open his eyes and give me a large smile.

"I missed you" He pulled me by the waist closer to him and kissed me over and over again. I couldn't help but giggle, even though I knew this was wrong. I was still married to Trey, I had just hurt him, the same way he had hurt me by sleeping with Missus.

"I's married ta Trey, John, dis ain't righ" I said trying to move away from him. He just gripped me tighter and placed soft kisses on my neck.

"Dont ya think, da best thing fo a baby, is ta have his momma and daddy" I looked down and nodded my head, I hated growing up without my biological mother, my adoptive mother was kept from me, and my father hated me. I didn't want that for Riva. I pulled Johnny's arms from around me and slipped my shift back on. He pouted and I smiled at him again as I wen to pick our baby up.

"He hungry, culd ya get him some........." Johnny sat up abruptly before I could finish my statement. I looked away as his thing dangled between his legs, making between my thighs instantly wet up.  I held River closer to me to make those thoughts go away. 

"Come to the house, have a real breakfast" I looked at  Johnny like he was crazy, Mista John was not going to let me do that, he'd sooner kill me than to let me sit at a table with him.

"John, ya papa ain't go hav me sit round ya, like I aint a colored gal, da mo you be acking up, da mor he gon hate me, ready wanna sen me down south, marry me off ta some stud" Johnny shook his head and walked over to me holding my from behind, his face hiding in the crook of my neck.

"I don't be ackin up, ya mine Vannah, Riva mine, we a family, my father ain't takin ya from me, I just have to wait fer da old man to die, this becomes mine, this becomes ours, slavery is ova baby, we won da war, we can be together Vannah" Johnny turned me around and smiled as he kissed my lips again.

"I fought dis war fa ya Vannah, for us, I wanted you ta have a choice, to have a life, and I had hoped I left a piece of me wit you, case I didn't make it back to ya, I know Trey was here fer ya, but it's not love baby, not like what we have" I shook my head and turned away from him as River started crying again. I pulled my shirt down and let him suckle my tit to calm him.

"I missed ya much, I thought bout ya daily, but den dey say you got taken, dat dey kill ya, and I ave ta let ya go Johnny, Trey was dere fa me, taught me ta read, made love ta me, I know he hurt me, hurt me bad, but he took a tree fa me, I love Trey, Johnny, I was sposed to be gettin ova ya" Johnny ran his hands down my arm and softly placed kisses on the back of my neck. I was trying to be a good wife to Trey, I was, but Johnny's kisses still did things to me, he still did things to my heart that made it beat ten times faster.

"I know ya love Trey, an ya a damn good wife fer it, but Trey mo likley dead, he a runaway slave baby, I'm here, let me be where I wanted ta be da most when I was at war, in ya arms, between yo legs" I moaned as Johnny's hand slid between my thighs underneath my shift.

"I love you so much Vannah" he whispered against the shell of my ear before sucking it into his mouth, making my juices run down my thighs.

"I can feel how much ya want me gain, let me tak ya on a bed, ya can see ya mom, how big she is wit dat baby, please Vannah" I did want to see momma and Journey, what about Chris and Pa, though.

"Chris and Pa, what bout them" He frowned at me for a moment and sighed, he gripped my hand and took Riva with the other, allowing me to fix myself before walking out of the makeshift cabin Trey had begun to build for me. Could he really be dead, he was a survivor, but....?

"Chris was freed little after I returned home, Pa signed the letters, ya father, Vannah he ain't da best, he sick ya hear" I stopped walking and let go of Johnnys hand.

"I need ta see him Johnny, I need ta see my Pa, is he dyin" Johnny just gave me a sad look as I ran to my fathers shack. I ran in to see Chris sitting next to him my father was pale, his eyes glossed over, and he was all skin and bones.

"Pa" He looked up when he heard me and my heart broke as his lips frowned up in distaste. He was dying and he still hated me, still.

" I just hear bout ya being sick and all pa, I'da come soona, but wit Riva and then Trey leavin" Chris gave me a small smile as I set next to him.

"Dat my whore of a daughta, lord taught he blessed me witout havin ta see ha gain fo I left dis earth, ole piece of Hell come runnin back for me" His words broke my heart but I pretended I didn't hear them.

"Riva gettin big, look jus lik his papa" I reached for his hand and my father snatched away from me like I was hot.

"The fuck is wrong wit you Pa, what I ever done ta ya dat make ya hate me so, I didn' leave ma to die, ya did, ya let dem hang ha while I was still in ha, ya ain't try ta help ha, an ya ain't been no damn pa a me since I first breath, I still here doh, tryin to love ya last o ya days, an ya treat me like shit on ya shoe, why ya ugly ol man, why" I don't know where the anger was coming from, but I didn't realize I was going to attack him until Chris held me back, hugging me tightly.

"Cause ya ain't mine gal, just like he ain't,  jus like Journey ain't, ya mama was a rebel, but she loved our ol master son, he a mutt just like ya Riva, boy pass fo white doh, spose ta marry me massa say, but she go give ha self to dat white mutt first, I knew ya wasn't none o mine da whole time, hoped ya die wit yo slut mama, but ya end up jus lik ha" My mouth opened as I had no words to say to that, he wasn't my real father, but without me, they wouldn't have sold him to a good plantation like mista's.

"Whea my mother, my father" The man I knew as pa looked up at me with those glossed over eyes and smiled.

"Ya mama was hung afta she gave birth ta a dark baby, masta's son knew she a dirt, thought ya be someone elses, didna notice ya eye color, o nose, ya freckles, jus ya ugly black skin, ya ma  was a African Indian, ya was boun ta be black, no matta how white dat boy was, tol him ya was mine, so I could get on a betta plantation, you nothin but ta be used, Trey used ya he gone, Percy used ya, and now Johnny go use ya, ya worth.............................." he didn't finish his sentence as I spit in his face and walked out of his shack. He was nothing to me.

"Ya ok" Johnny was standing there holding a fussy River and I gave him a small smile before kissing his lips.

"When ya father go, I want ta go ta Paris, like ya promise" Johnny nodded his head and pulled me towards the house, hopefully away from this life.